Heard Mentality

If this is what passes for "news" these days - and it is - we have better things to do with our time than fretting about what "reporters" are hearing from their imaginary friends. Seriously, the news gathering process now reminds us of a clueless Frankenstein's monster trying to pluck music notes out of the air before going on a mindless rampage.

Not that we'd recommend torches and pitchforks as a remedy. Although it's said to be a good idea by unnamed sources speaking on behalf of an anonymous insider.

JUST A LITTLE FILLING...

Considering the fact that nothing in the news actually looks like "news," we're at something of an impasse when it comes to padding today's post to a reasonable length. To that end, here are random bits of flotsam related to what's going on around stately Jarlsberg Manor.

• MUNCHIES - While preparing our home for a social soiree, we discovered some odd "rippling" of the paint on one section of a wall. Giving it a gentle poke, our finger more or less disappeared out of view. Uh-oh. Yes, it was an active termite infestation (we personally saw the little bastards) which necessitated injecting powerful, Earth-destroying toxins around the entire periphery of our home. Which, at $1200, would be really painful if it weren't for the facts that A) Greta Thunberg would hate our use of toxins and B) based on their behavior, we're pretty sure the termites were socialists.

• FUNGUS AMONG US - A couple of weeks ago, a faint scent of mildew wafted through the bathroom closest to the editorial offices of Stilton's Place. Our strategy of "hoping it will just go away" fared no better than our identical hope for Barack Obama's administration, and following the same pattern the stench soon grew to unacceptable levels. Acrid fumes of mold burned our throat, and we couldn't find any signs of mold or moisture leaks - though it seemed likely that the problem was inside a wall which contains plumbing pipes.

Unable to track the problem further, we hired a plumber who had a specialized tool which allows one to actually look inside walls. That tool, it turns out, is a saw.

Four "windows" were cut into the wall, and moisture was discovered on some of the pipes - but there was no smoking gun discovered. So now we have mold smell (which we're allergic to), holes in the walls, and a renewed dedication to "hoping it will just go away."

• US TREACHERY DEPARTMENT - Many months ago, we reported to you that we'd accidentally failed to file a financial statement with the IRS on time, and so had sent it in four months late along with a letter of apology. The form, a 5500-EZ (ha!), simply states how much money is in your personal self-employed retirement account. This is an information form only - no taxes had been missed and no payments were due. Essentially, we were just sending beans to keep the beancounters from getting bored.

To thank us for our honesty, the IRS sent back a letter saying that we were being fined $5000 for a late filing. There is an appeal process, which we unsurprisingly jumped on. But here's the punchline: after nearly 6 months, we just got a letter from the IRS saying "Sorry, we're really, really busy so we haven't been able to get back to you in a timely way. Just keep waiting, and we'll add the accruing interest to your fine."  Bottom line: we're being fined $5000 for being four months late, but the IRS is much later than that...and suffers no consequences. And this is why we drink.

• STILTON'S PALSY - You may recall our mentioning that we'd developed a mild case of demonic possession which caused us to wake up each night kicking, flailing, and occasionally punching ourself in the face with a hostile and uncontrollable ninja fist. We showed video footage to a neurologist who helpfully observed that it looked like "violent seizures." We did not, however, have the sound turned up on the video because we'd added the song "Shakin' All Over" from The Who's "Live at Leeds" album. Because that's how we roll.

Fast forward to today and, after having the condition for roughly a year without any successful medical diagnosis, we're claiming naming privileges: the condition is now "Stilton's Palsy."

It's gotten significantly better over time. We're not performing Broadway musicals every night, but still have a lot of weird, lower-grade shakes, head bops, and twirling limbs (all completely painless, though annoying as all get out). Also, the condition now manifests itself during daylight hours in periods of high stress, much to the delight of anyone in our immediate proximity. Happily, the condition is apparently harmless and, two weeks from now, may get us out of jury duty if we make the judge nervous.

Putting the Cartel Before the Hearse

WE remember, you insufferable lying assholes.

By now you've heard the story of the Mormon family who had three women and six children massacred by drug cartel members while traveling through Mexico to attend a wedding. The story is heartbreaking...and a legitimate source for righteous anger.

To that end, President Trump has made the offer to Mexico to basically go to war with the cartels, using American troops to wipe this scourge from the Earth. Which is a very refreshing change from the way Barack Obama dealt with the problem by sending automatic weapons to the cartels.

We discussed this a lot at Hope n' Change way back in 2011, but will serve up a refresher for those who have forgotten details...or never heard them.

"Fast and Furious" was a program administered by the ATF under attorney general Eric Holder's direction and almost surely Barack Obama's endorsement. The program helped smuggle more than 1700 weapons to Mexican criminals and drug cartels just "to see where they'd surface."

Theoretically, this would provide valuable information which would allow the ATF to shut down the gunrunners. But unsurprisingly, "theory" went out the window, the program flew out of control, and the AK-47s and armor-piercing shells were used to murder dozens (if not hundreds) of people including a U.S. Border Patrol agent and a Customs Enforcement agent.

Speculation, which we personally find entirely believable, is that the primary purpose of the program wasn't really to track gang members at all, but rather for the Obama administration to pretend to be shocked that guns sold in America had been used to slaughter people in Mexico - which would have given Obama and Holder an excuse to attack the second amendment rights of Americans. And had "Fast and Furious" not been exposed, their bloodsoaked plan might actually have worked.

The contrast between the administrations of Trump and Obama could not be more marked. Trump wants to kill the bad guys who kill Americans...Obama wanted the bad guys to kill others, and equipped them to do so, in order to make his own covert attack on Americans.

And this is why, despite his many rough spots, we strongly support Donald Trump. And why we're still sickened by the memory of Barack Obama and everyone who surrounded him.

Funny Business

In these stressful political times, it's important to remember to laugh from time to time - especially about topics which are knee-slappingly funny like murder, pederasty, and sex trafficking.

At least, that's what Progressives find hilarious based on an interview in which The Daily Show host, Trevor Noah, asked Hillary Clinton how she killed Jeffrey Epstein - and was greeted with shrill, psychotic, Joker-style laughter by the First Lady of Arkancide. As opposed to, oh, a denial.

Alleged non-candidate Hillary was appearing on the show along with international diarrhea expert Chelsea "Daddy says it's not incest if I'm Webb Hubbell's" Clinton to promote their inspirational new children's book, "Gusty Women."

No, wait - the book is called "Gutsy Women" and it's filled with examples of women who, like Hillary, were strong and unapologetic historical trailblazers. Little girls (including, of course, those with a penis) can thrill to the colorful exploits of Lucretia Borgia, Lizzie Borden, Ma Barker, Aileen Wournos, Bonnie Parker, and Typhoid Mary - all of whom were gutsy enough to kill scores of people while laughing like hyenas.

And all of whom knew that Jeffrey Epstein did not kill himself.

FROM THE VAULT: THE SANDERS OF TIME

We'll skip our usual lengthy diatribe about Daylight Saving Time other than to say that we hate this temporal torture with every fiber of our jet-lagged being and don't appreciate, when 6 o'clock rolls around, being as in the dark as an MSNBC viewer.

The Schiff Hits the Fan

On Thursday, the House of Representatives held a big vote to agree upon the rules for proceeding with an impeachment "inquiry" which isn't an actual impeachment and, from the sound of things, won't be much of an inquiry either.

According to the measure, which passed with near universal support from Democrats and universal opposition by Republicans, televised testimony will take place with Democrats asking questions of Democrat-selected (and coached) "witnesses." In the interest of fairness, Republicans can also subpoena witnesses unless the Democrats don't like them or don't want the American people to hear from them.

All in all it's a fake process designed to look like impeachment proceedings, in which President Trump will be not really impeached for committing high crimes of phone etiquette, the charges about which are also phony.

We would call this a kangaroo court, only kangaroos can beat the living stew out of anyone who honks them off, so we won't insult them by comparing them to this mendacious collection of anti-American shitweasels.

We might alternately call this Kabuki theater, only when you insult those guys they sneak up on you quietly (despite their traditional wooden clogs) and then split you down the middle with a samurai sword.

So we'll just call this what it is: a travesty, an attempted coup, and a blatant act of treason committed by an entire political party.

Albeit not one without a sense of humor...

Too soon? We couldn't care less.

HALLOWEEN UPDATE

Stately Jarlsberg Mansion

Despite our worries, the weather for Halloween night was crisp and dry - perfect, really (although it got cold). So we were able to set up our full complement of inflatables (that purple blob is actually a giant spider eating a life-sized skeleton), psychedelic lights, and music/sound effects.

Fewer kids that previous years, but the ones who showed up were appreciative. Got a few teens without costumes, too - but they were pleasant enough and said "thank you," so good for them. All in all, it was a lovely evening!

Happy Halloween 2019

We take Halloween pretty seriously at Stilton's Place, as evidenced by these actual interior decorations we've been enjoying for most of the month...

We're also ready with a full contingent of outdoor decorations for the trick-or-treat crowd, including inflatables, video projectors, creepy music, and psychedelic lighting - all of which we think would make great additions to future Democrat debates!

Unfortunately, rain and wind are predicted for Halloween night so we may just end up shaking our fist at the sky and shouting "How DARE you?!" Greta Thunberg-style, then watch ice cold drizzle through the windows while eating the tiny candy bars that were intended for costumed kids.

But hope springs eternal, and we'll still be ready to make the outside of stately Jarlsberg manor suitably creepy if there's a break in the weather.

And speaking of hope springing eternally, we'd like to share the graphic below from our good friend Johnny Optimism. Every year on that site, we post a collage of decorated Halloween wheelchairs as a reminder that when Life gives you lemons, you should kick Life in the ass and throw your lemons at it, then do something totally awesome.

Considering the all-too-spooky news lately, we think it's a timely bit of advice. So enjoy Halloween, and take optimism and inspiration from these kids (and their wonderful parents)!

(Note: Just in case you feel like you're experiencing deja vu, honesty compels us to admit that much of this is an updated version of our 2018 post. Think of it like year-old Halloween candy that you discover in the back of the pantry and eat anyway because it's probably still good.)

BONUS: FROM THE CRYPT...

Pieces in Our Time

And if there are enough vests for everyone.

Saturday night "live" is what ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi wasn't following a daring special forces operation last Saturday night. Troops went in, cleared the compound - killing those who resisted - then closed in on al-Baghdadi himself.

The ISIS leader scurried down a dead-end (literally) tunnel with three of his children, then blew all of them to bits with a suicide vest.

President Trump, in a statement Sunday morning, made it clear that al-Baghdadi "died like a dog. He died like a coward. Whimpering, screaming, and crying. The thug who tried so hard to intimidate others spent his last moments in utter fear, in total panic and dread, terrified of the American forces bearing down on him."

Trump's willingness to take a metaphorical leak on al-Baghdadi's grave stands in stark contrast to Barack Obama's more measured (to put it mildly) statement upon the killing of Osama bin Laden. Obama described Osama as a terrorist and killer, but did not further personalize attacks on bin Laden's character nor the manner of his death. And we should note that as an additional show of respect for bin Laden (and not Islam, because Obama specifically stated that "Bin Laden was not a Muslim leader"),  Obama ordered the terror mastermind's body to be washed and wrapped per Muslim tradition, then immediately buried at sea without further forensics.

We'll also note that Trump gave full credit and praise to everyone involved with locating and exterminating al-Baghdadi, while Obama's statement made it sound like he'd personally grabbed a headband and hunting knife and gone Rambo on bin Laden. Which hardly squares with reports that Obama had to have his happy ass dragged off a golf course to watch the bin Laden raid, and the raid might actually have taken place over Obama's objection. (It's worth noting that the White House later confirmed Obama's golf outing, but characterized it as a brilliant ruse to keep the press from knowing that something important was happening. Which, in all candor, strikes us as breathtaking bullshit.)

Be that as it may, we're pleased to see that American justice is being meted out with a firm hand, and that Mr. Trump is not allowing partisan (and likely criminal) domestic resistance to interfere with the performance of his Presidential duties.

BONUS: WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F**K?!

We thought we'd said all we needed to say above. Then we saw this actual headline from the Washington Post...

We couldn't believe that ANY newspaper would really send this out, but we checked and double-checked and it's true. According to the WaPo, Trump is just knocking off "austere religious scholars" rather than ridding the world of murderous terrorists.

Which is why, if the Washington Post is ever burned to the ground by an angry torch-bearing mob (God forbid), our headline will be "Newspaper Writers Attend Barbecue."

Having Scum Fun Now

They say that a picture is worth a thousand words, that brevity is the soul of wit, and that less is more. To test this triple-dip of wisdom (and in celebration of personal laziness), we're presenting three cartoons today which pretty much speak for themselves...

It was the right thing to do, Mr. President

BREAK IN NEWS:

Both will be watched to see if they suddenly start flashing large amounts of wampum around.

Here's the boring story of the headquarters break-in.

CLOSED DORK SESSION:

Well, it's not like there isn't precedent...

And there's the Friday wrap-up, miraculously finished just in time for us to declare Happy Hour! Have a great weekend everyone - and see you in the comments section!

ADDENDUM: BRUSH FIRE

For anyone who didn't understand the cartoon above, it was a reference to Democrat Congresswoman Katie Hill, who was photographed in the buff brushing the hair of the young congressional aide she'd been shtupping in a three-way relationship. Stay classy, Democrats!

Great White Way

Right up front, we want to go on record as being very sincerely supportive of gay folks and gay marriage. But we can't help commenting on the fact that Pete Buttigieg might benefit from a little more tailoring of the image he's presenting on the campaign trail.

Although "Mayor Pete" is enjoying a nice rise in recent polls, an in-depth study of black voters in South Carolina showed that many of them found his sexual orientation to be problematic - enough so that most weren't even considering voting for him.

Part of the problem, as expressed by those polled, is that they don't mind Buttigieg being gay, but do have a problem with how vocal he is about it. So surely it isn't helping matters when Buttigieg announces a contest in which the grand prize is a trip to San Francisco (more or less the gay mecca) to enjoy an evening of musical theater with his husband, Chasten.

We're sure it will be an absolutely lovely evening, but still - isn't the whole event just a little too "on the nose" for those voters who were already feeling uncomfortable? Why not make the grand prize a visit to Buttigieg's actual home, South Bend, Indiana, where Chasten can take the lucky winners on a tour of all the positive things Mayor Pete has accomplished?

Oh, that's right - he hasn't actually done such a great job of being a small town Mayor. So maybe the fabulous distractions aren't such a bad idea after all.

Period Piece

In case you weren't paying attention, Saturday was National Period Day, with crowds of woke men and women flooding into the streets (so to speak) to declare themselves "period proud," demand that we "end period poverty," and wave signs saying "tampons, not guns," which makes us wonder who the hell had been making that mistake?

And although it's easy for insensitive cretins to make sophomoric jokes about all of this, we are fortunate to live in a society where serious issues are taken seriously by serious people. Like Beto O'Rourke, for instance...

Okay, we've slightly exaggerated what he had to say, but we're not kidding about Beto's hot-blooded dedication to this issue. Just consider this actual tweet...

That's right, the Irishman who pretends to be Hispanic, who wants to confiscate guns, and who promises to take away the tax exempt status of churches has thrown his support behind the Menstrual Equity Act, which is surprisingly a real thing. We're not 100% sure what the goal of the Menstrual Equity Act is, but suspect it's intended to close the menstrual inequality gap between the poor and the rich. Or, in tampon terms, the "light day" versus the "supermax" crowd.

But enough foolishness. We certainly and sincerely support women's health and hygiene, and in good conscience can not mock National Period Day since we didn't mock men when they held National Skidmark Day.

Sorry! Sorry! That was another joke! But we're going to take a deep breath, square our shoulders, and make one more attempt to present this subject in a serious, adult manner...

Hey, we tried.

Stand Up Guy

For those of you keeping score, here's the story about Nancy Pelosi staging a highly choreographed walkout on the President, here's the story about there being twice as many illegal aliens in our country than were previously reported (and the number is still erroneously low), and here's the story in which scientists say that less neural activity translates to a longer life...which raises the terrifying possibility that Democrat freshman Alexandria Foccacia-Croutons may actually be immortal.

Frankly, we occasionally think about buying a loud shirt and a stylish hat and popping in front of a camera to do a stand-up comedy act about current news events (eons ago, we actually did stand-up comedy, albeit nothing political).

But video seems to be a young person's medium and, additionally, one that looks suspiciously like work. Moreover, Youtube seems pretty consistent about trying to bury anyone with a conservative viewpoint - let alone a politically incorrect sense of humor.

Still...someday...maybe...?

In the meanwhile, you may be seeing more of our brassy friend above from time to time...assuming that I can stuff him back in my Id afterwards.

See Worthy News

In our sadly paternalistic culture, the voices of intelligent, independent women are still too little heard when it comes to serious discussion of the issues which confront and divide us.

Well, Stilton's Place won't put up with that sort of sexist crap! Which is why today is Ladies Day in the fast-moving, bareknuckle world of Internet journalism.

And for anyone who thinks we just felt lazy today and thought we could get away with posting pictures of bikini babes, we must remind you that these are "woke" times, and you should never just assume our agenda.

Holiday Put On Ice

"Columbus Day" is now widely called "Indigenous Peoples Day," and even more widely called "White Shame Day" because so few people can spell indigenous. In celebration of the day, liberal scolds will berate their fellow citizens for the unforgivable sin of stealing the heritage of native Americans...after which those same scolds will hurry off to an Elizabeth Warren rally.

Which shouldn't come as any surprise - after all, "Indignant-est People Day" is all about hypocrisy...

BONUS: DASHES TO ASHES

Just to make sure no one forgets their enthusiasm for fascism, House democrats like John Garamendi and Rashida Tlaib are now actively planning the logistics of grabbing "uncooperative" members of the Trump administration and throwing them into the House jail if they don't help with the ongoing coup attempt.

The existence of this mysterious prison was confirmed last May by Nancy Pelosi, who said "We do have a little jail in the basement of the Capitol, but if we were arresting all of the people in the administration, we would have an overcrowded jail situation. And I'm not for that."

Note that she's not against clapping her political enemies in jail without due process...she's just against overcrowding. Which may not be a problem depending on just what comes out of the nozzles in the shower room.