Crude Joke

Too young to get this? We don't care.

Now that the world is officially composed of tumbling dominos, it's interesting (like staring at a car wreck) to look at which one has fallen the most recently...and hardest. In this case it's oil futures, which went deep into negative territory on Monday (meaning suppliers were actually paying people to take oil off their hands) before staging a feeble recovery on Tuesday.

Former and future bartender, democrat Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, tweeted of the unprecedented below-zero oil prices "You absolutely love to see it. It's the right time for a worker-led, mass investment in green infrastructure to save our planet. *cough*" (Note: AOC's "cough" was, disappointingly, an attempt at humor and not indicative that she's in the final throes of Covid19.)

The mind-boggling idiocy of her pronouncement is so bad that the Board of Regents at Boston University, her alma matter, is not only talking about revoking her degree in economics, but also tarring and feathering her while tar is essentially free.

When there's no money to be made from drilling, refining, or transporting oil, the supply lines will stop. As will everything that ran on oil, which is pretty much civilization as we know it. And at that point, it's highly unlikely that roving bands of starving survivors will take much interest in windmills, solar panels, or replacing our nation's entire infrastructure with only the tools that the Amish use to raise barns.

Of course, the governments of the world will attempt to keep that from happening by propping up the oil industry with yet more trillions in monopoly money hot off the printing presses. At which point AOC may finally be exposed to fiscal terms like "hyper-inflation" which she clearly never encountered while dancing on rooftops at Boston U ("home of the Fighting Baked Beans").

FROM THE VAULT: HAPPY EARTH DAY!

Today is Earth Day, meaning that if any restaurants were open, Earth could get a free dessert and have an embarrassing song sung to it by hand-clapping waiters and waitresses. Sadly, that's not the case this year, and large public celebrations are unlikely what with the whole "go outside and die" thing.

That's why we're going back to 2013 for this Earth Day visit with Bark Obama and Joe Bitem!

It's Funny You Should Mask

The cartoon above is posted as a public service reminder that no matter how much we're all desperate to get back to normal life, masks are going to play a hugely important role in making that happen.

And not everything is bad about wearing a mask. For instance, many of us now appear to be only half as ugly. A piece of spinach stuck in your teeth? Who's going to know! Plus, masks give everyone a certain air of mystery and drama; just this morning, while walking our dog, a wary neighbor declared that we looked "threatening." A sentiment we tried to defuse, unsuccessfully, by sounding a loud, villainous "bwah-ha-ha!" laugh. After which, social distancing was no problem whatsoever.

Of course, if everyone is healthy at home, there's no need to wear a mask in the house (unless you're taking "playing doctor" to a kinky new level). Rather, you can just relax and spend this time with simple, shared family activities to help you beat cabin fever...

The Hell You Say

Sure, these are semi-apocalyptic times - but to remind people just how good they've still got it, we're paying an actual visit to Hell today guided by my father.

Not that he's in Hell (as far as I know), but rather because, decades ago, my Dad wrote funny captions for the many illustrations in a tattered, century-old edition of Dante's Inferno. Which may help explain why I've been inspired to do the same sort of nonsense my whole life. The nuts, as they say, don't fall far from the tree.

But now, let's check on those who fall from Grace. And for anyone sensitive to the smell of sulfur and brimstone, be sure to wear your N95 mask...

It's a moth joke - get it?

Have a great, safe, and socially isolated weekend!  -Stilt

Endorse You Rode In On

This was even harder for him to say than "radical Islam."

The big moment that virtually no one was waiting for finally happened yesterday, when Barack "Sorry about using all the N95 masks" Obama officially endorsed Joe "Where am I?" Biden for President of the United States.

Obama gave the endorsement in a 12-minute video posted to Joe Biden's Youtube account. Or at least, we're told by media outlets like NPR and CNN that the endorsement was in there somewhere, because we'd rather go into an emergency room and have total strangers cough spittle directly in our face for 12 minutes than spend that much time listening to a skeevy America-hating douchebag that we've already had our fill of.

Biden himself, sequestered at home with padlocks on the outside of his doors, is dividing his time between selecting a female VP candidate ("We need someone with a...um...whatchamacallit. Damn. No, wait! Virginia!") and excitedly trying to catch a bright red dot being projected by a laser pointer scotch-taped to a slow-moving ceiling fan.

Meanwhile, out in the real world (which you may not have recognized since it's wearing a homemade mask)...

Tip of the hat to Mrs. J for this one!

There is still an inherent tension between Dr. Anthony Fauci's understandable desire to extend Covid19 lockdown measures, and President Trump's understandable desire to restart the economy before our national house of financial cards collapses. And that's fine - it's a complex issue which isn't going to have a simple answer.

What really concerns us is the mainstream media's ongoing attempts to drive a wedge between the two men, reporting gossip and planting false rumors, just to cause trouble. While this kind of crap is sadly normal in normal times, these are anything but normal times. This sort of juvenile game-playing during a time of severe national medical crisis amounts to attempted sabotage which could cost lives.

Which is why it's more important than ever to ignore the purveyors of fake news and, if at all possible, to try to convince them that plastic laundry bags can be used as personal protective masks.

Glass Half-Assed Full

We thought it was high time for the cartoon above, which is intended to lift the spirits of those who only see the unpleasant side of plague, famine, and the looming risk of societal collapse. Remember, every dark cloud has a silver lining - although what looks like a silver lining is frequently a lightning bolt with your name on it.

Still, we can take heart from the many examples of families who are doing just fine while under lockdown...

BONUS: SHOP AT HOME WITH MORE SPENSIVE GIFTS!

Here are some more poorly-xeroxed items from our 30 year old "Spenser Gifts" catalog parody. The longer self-isolation goes on, the more you're going to actually want to buy one or more of these items...

Crash and Bern

On Wednesday, Democratic Socialist and petulant scold Bernie Sanders announced that he was suspending his presidential campaign owing to the fact that, within the last few weeks, his entire agenda for America had been successfully realized.

"The government is emptying the prisons, spending trillions in make-believe money, and locking up churches while making sure Planned Parenthood stays open," explained Sanders. "I keep pinching myself just to be sure this isn't just some kind of wonderful dream!"

In a nod to his roots, millionaire Sanders plans to bring a number of young Jewish people to one of his three homes and turn it into a kibbitz, "Which is like a kibbutz, only I just watch everyone else work and tell them what they're doing wrong."

Presumed Democratic presidential nominee, Joe Biden, could not be reached for comment because he's farting in a bathtub and giggling about the bubbles.

UPDATE:

Although Bernie has "suspended" his campaign, he's not taking his name off the ballot in upcoming primaries, and he's not releasing the delegates he has nor the ones he might subsequently win. His goal is to head into the convention with enough clout that he can force Biden to adopt Sanders' far-left policies.

According to the Wall Street Journal,"The only thing that would make (the Sanders camp) support Mr. Biden is his agreement to meet their demands, which include endorsing the Green New Deal, Medicare for All, a 50% reduction in prison populations, a wealth tax, cancellation of student debt, free undergraduate tuition in public institutions, abolishing the filibuster, packing the Supreme Court, federal gun licensing, and abortion subsidized by federal taxpayers."

None of which should present much of a problem for Biden, who will happily (and unintelligibly) voice enthusiastic support for whatever nonsense is written on his cue cards.

FROM THE EASTER BASKET (OBAMA YEARS): HE DYED FOR YOU

Yes, that's the actual "crucified Easter Bunny" artwork that your taxes paid for.

Easter is a day when people stop to reflect on the importance of faith, morality, and responsibility in their lives and ask: "What would Jesus do?"

And the answer, according to the Obama White House, is push-ups. Jesus would do lots and lots of push-ups. Or at least this seems to be the thinking at the 2015 White House Easter Egg Roll being held today (Sunday was reserved, of course, for golfing) which has once again been turned into a fitness event.

Picking one of the lesser known passages from the Bible, the event's theme is "Gimme Five," and will feature healthy eating tips, cooking demos, and activities which will "encourage children to lead healthy, active lives in support of the First Lady's Let's Move initiative."

To make sure the 35,000 attendees don't forget the true meaning of the day, the official (and safely inedible) White House Easter Eggs each carry a portrait of the Easter Bunny wearing running shorts and a sweat band...which is a lot like a crown of thorns, only washable.

On the flip side of the eggs, a few words are inscribed to give comfort, strength, and a renewed sense of faith in these troubled times. The words are: "Barack Obama" and "Michelle Obama." And in the spirit of eternal sellvation, you can buy the official set of five eggs for $29.99. Which means you'll get a penny back from your 30 pieces of silver.

Predictably, some people are annoyed that the White House has taken one of the most sacred days on the Christian calendar and turned it into an entirely secular jazzercise class. But out of journalistic integrity, Hope n' Change won't pass judgement on the Obamas quite yet.

First, we want to see if they ask any of the guests at this year's White House Ramadan celebration to do squat thrusts.

The Jarlsberg Diaries: Why I Was Late For Work

Okay, pretty much nobody is actually going to work these days, let alone having to explain why they are late. So let's turn the clock back to 1989...

I've mentioned here before that I am, among many other things, a radio kind of guy. I worked in the business for years, doing writing, production, and voice work - usually with an emphasis on comedy. I love the ability to create "theater of the mind" with audio and, even now, have nearly 8,000 sound effects and 14,000 pieces of production music on my computer. All of which falls somewhere between overkill and obsession.

When I first moved to Texas, I was hired to write syndicated radio scripts for "Hiney Wine" - a purely fictitious product which was perfect for radio-friendly double-entendres: "Founders Harry Hiney and Big Red Hiney remind you that there's no better way to relax after work than with a little Hiney." It was I who introduced the winery's upscale brand "Snifter Hiney," and yes - the jokes wrote themselves.

Which made me think, "why not create a syndicated comedy series of my own and get rich?" And thus was born "Why I Was Late for Work," a daily 60-second skit in which ridiculous characters offer up preposterous excuses for being late. The idea was for radio stations to sell sponsorships and then feature the bit every day during morning drive time (I simultaneously offered up a second series called "Gripe Line" in which fake callers phone in to the radio station to complain about moronic things).

Of course, a demo was needed, so I wrote and produced one (using some of the top radio voice talent in Dallas) to send off to various syndication companies. "Wow!" they all said. "That's really funny! Good luck selling it to someone else! Go away!"

But their (and my) loss is your gain, because some 30 years later, you are about to hear what almost no one else has ever heard. And you can decide whether or not I should have just let this ancient artifact continue to collect electronic dust on my hard drive.

In order to host this on Youtube, I've cobbled together a very rough video to accompany the audio demo, but the intent is really to give you something fun to listen to rather than look at.

I hope you enjoy it!

Bowled Over

Yes, the "coffee couple" we've been meeting with for ten years are back at work for your entertainment, albeit with a somewhat modified wardrobe.  How any coffee actually makes it to their lips in those suits isn't quite clear, but there's surely some benefit just from seeing friends and holding a hot cup.

On a barely related note, we created a political cartoon to run today...but then decided against posting it. Frankly, it just feels wrong to engage in partisan politics (even if we're entirely right, and the other side is entirely wrong) during a "we're all in this together" crisis. Hopefully this sentiment will spread, but even if it doesn't, it feels like the right call for now.

Instead, we'll simultaneously keep things light and focus on the matters at hand. Which is pretty much what's going on in the cartoon below...

BY POPULAR REQUEST: SUPPLY AND DEMANDS

Okay, here's the cartoon that I hadn't posted. Discussion to follow:

The genesis of this cartoon is that I'm sick of hearing people on the Left claiming that the emergency funding measures being undertaken are an admission that "socialism is the answer and always has been." Wrong, wrong, wrong.  And I thought relating that to something tangible like the availability of masks (and the ability to gear up factories in a hurry) might make my point.

However, Bernie hasn't said anything like the specifics above - I was just using him as a handy (albeit pretty accurate) straw man. Which made me feel like the cartoon was sort of petty; Bernie's campaign isn't going anywhere, and the overall tenor of the cartoon has an "us against them-ism" which I'm not comfortable with right now, even though the Left is definitely not in the mood to treat this as a time for unity.

So your thoughts are welcome - was I right or wrong to have reservations about this one?

Extremely Casual Friday

The coronavirus siege continues, and doesn't seem likely to change anytime soon (you can visit this Youtube site for the best and most accurate daily updates we've found). And although we take the matter seriously, we still refuse to take it solemnly - believing that laughter is the best medicine even if, like a ventilator, it needs to be shoved down our throats.

Which is why we're eschewing (gesundheit!) politics here except when absolutely necessary. Rather, we'll continue to post amusements, diversions, witticisms, and hilarious cartoons like this one:

Yikes! That was dark. We're starting to regret bartering with the neighbors and trading our antidepressants for toilet paper.

But on a different note entirely, our publication of a few pages from the "Spensive Gifts" parody catalog reminded us of the Johnson Smith novelty catalogs we enjoyed in our youth. Which prompted an online search and the discovery of goodies like this...

What you see above is a page from the 1938 version of the Johnson Smith catalog, which you can read online right here in its glorious 600-page entirety!

Relive the excitement surrounding the first appearance of the Whoopie Cushion! Thrill to the comic hijinks of a kid using the "Ventrillo" voice-throwing device to make an unsuspecting man say to a policeman "Hey copper, I'm gonna punch you in your big, fat nose!" Delight in unknown wonders like the crank harmonica which uses tiny player piano-style rolls of paper to give you "a jazz band in your pocket"! Marvel that there was once a time in America when kids could order actual "live baby alligators" for $1.50 (or a living 3-footer for just $6.50)! And cringe at a sprinkling of absolutely jaw-dropping items which are now career-ending, code red objects of political incorrectness!

We may well be starting a long rough patch in our country, but it's refreshing and frankly inspiring to see the kind of marvelous foolishness people were still enjoying despite the Great Depression. There's a lesson there for all of us. Albeit a fairly stupid one.

Spensive Gifts

During this extended period of self-isolation, it has been suggested that we all spend some time reflecting on our past and coming to new insights about who we are, deep down inside. We've done that and, based on everything in our past, determined that we've pretty much always had a screw loose...and enjoyed it!

For instance, about 30 years ago, we made a parody version of a "Spenser Gifts" catalog just because the idea tickled us. We used actual products from their pages, but substituted our own text - attempting to match the clipped and overly-enthusiastic style of the actual catalog.

Because desktop publishing wasn't really a thing back then, the original "Spensive Gifts" catalog was assembled with clipped bits of paper and a glue stick. Copies were created with a Xerox machine. And while the original catalog has disintegrated with time, the Xeroxed copies live on in all their low-rez, black and white glory.

The whole shebang is 24 pages long, and we've been toying with the idea of making it into a Kindle ebook. For now, here are three pages - let us know if you'd like to see more!

AND ONE MORE THING...

Lest We Forget

We haven't discussed politics much here lately because, in these troubled times, we just wanted to give you "funny." Happily, upon looking again at the two remaining Democrat candidates for president, it turns out we can do both at the same time...

Joe Biden, looking even more washed-out and disoriented than usual, is now making political broadcasts from his home. The address of which is stitched onto every article of his clothing in case he gets out and wanders away.

Not that Old Bland Joe is out of touch with current events. In a recent appearance on "The View" (via remote video), Biden was asked if he was concerned that Trump said (of coronavirus and quarantines) "we cannot let the cure be worse than the problem itself."

Biden's stupefying answer: "We have to take care of the cure. That will make the problem worse, no matter what." After which he was hit with a tranquilizer dart and the screen went black.

And of course, Bernie Sanders is still on the cyber-campaign trail, his mood lifted by the fact that with staggering unemployment, closed businesses, and emptied supermarkets, half of his job will already be finished if he's elected.

Plus, he's got a unique perspective on our nation's health crisis...

BONUS: KNIFE KNOWING YOU

Nearer My Dog To Thee

During this trying time, perhaps the best way for all of us to keep our spirits up is to do things for others. In our case, we keep draining green plastic bottles of Clan MacGregor because the empties are our dog's favorite backyard toys.

Penny (the official dog of Hope n' Change) dances with joy when she realizes there's a fresh bottle to enjoy at playtime. She then goes absolutely insane when we drop a marble inside the bottle to give it a pleasant rattle. Seriously, it's like she becomes a kangaroo on meth and her eyes bug out so far she could be mistaken for Adam Schiff.

The official Clan MacGregor Bottle Game has simple rules: we throw the bottle across the yard, Penny gives chase, then tries to inflict maximum chew-damage on the bottle until we can wrestle it away from her locked and foaming jaws. Repeat as necessary until one or more participants are completely exhausted.

For those without dogs, we can't think of any reason the game couldn't be played by substituting a spouse or child (don't even try it with cats) and ignoring what your neighbors may think. Which reminds us: we occasionally underestimate our own strength and hurl a bottle into our neighbor's back yard. We're pretty sure we find this way more amusing than they do.

And speaking of neighbors...

As long as we're on a musical note, by popular request we're presenting another song that wasn't chosen to be in the movie "Muppets From Space."

This was to be the big happy celebration at the end, happening after (Spoiler Alert) Gonzo the Muppet is reunited with other Gonzo-ish Muppets from Outer Space, and Bruce Willis finds out he was dead the whole time. No wait, that's a different spoiler.

In any event, the song begins with some of the aliens singing about their quest to find Gonzo, after which every Muppet in the movie sings about how swell it is to be in dangerously close proximity to friends and family.

As before, the music was written, arranged, and produced by an award-winning composer whose name we're withholding for now, with the lyrics written by Stilton Jarlsberg. BONUS: Stilton also sings the part of every Muppet heard in this song, bravely putting himself in the line of fire for about a dozen copyright violation lawsuits and public derision.

And now, let's party...!