Punch Line

As massive recreational looting and violence continues in lawless hellholes like Chicago, Black Lives Matter "spokesperson-of-color-with-a-uterus," Ariel Atkins (seen above), has declared that the smash and grab thefts we're seeing are actually "reparations," and that "anything they wanted to take, they can take it because these businesses have insurance."

Which suggests that Ms. Atkins has no idea whatsoever how insurance works or who ends up paying for it, which should put her solidly in the running for Clueless Joe's vice-presidential nomination.

And speaking of Basement Biden (who is always below see-level), he recently made a huge "oops, I was being honest" gaffe in which he declared that Hispanics, totally unlike African Americans, were a "diverse" and non-monolithic group. Which makes this a good time to revisit the former VP's long, long, long history of saying insulting things to and about black Americans...

FROM THE HOPE N' CHANGE VAULT: OLD BLACK JOE (7/13/12)

After a grueling schedule of attending fundraisers with Hollywood celebrities and high-rolling donors, Barack Obama looked at his totally empty presidential schedule yesterday and decided to blow off meeting with a bunch of colored people at the NAACP...opting instead to send Joe Biden by telling the Vice President that he'd be addressing the NCAA.

Despite the NAACP's somewhat icy reception for presidential candidate Mitt Romney the previous day, Joe Biden quickly won the audience over by pointing off the stage and, suddenly adopting the vocal stylings of Stepin Fetchit, calling "Mousey - you out there? Hey Mouse! How ya doin', man?"

After that, Biden peered into the audience and identified Fat Albert, Old Weird Harold, Mushmouth, Mudfoot Brown, and Antonio "Huggy Bear" Fargas - none of whom were actually present - before returning to his scripted remarks about how much Joe Biden had personally learned from attending the church of Reverend Jeremiah "God-DAMN America" Wright.

Okay, we're joking about the shoutout to the Cosby Kids and Huggy Bear, but unfortunately Biden's praise for Reverend Wright was all too real - and all too well received.

But knowing that pasty Joe Biden wouldn't satisfy the NAACP crowd (indeed, almost no one showed up for Biden's speech), Barack Obama did send a short video message in which he told the assembled colored people that "I stand on your shoulders." And that huge weight may explain why the unemployment rate for black Americans has just risen to 14.4%... far higher than the rate for other demographic groups.

Frankly, Barack Obama is doing everything in his power to keep black Americans in forced poverty, deny their children decent educations, and reinforce their permanent dependence on Big Government.

He's not standing on their shoulders...he just has his boot on their necks.

BREAKING NEWS: AGING RACIST TEAMS WITH SKANKY WOMAN OF COLOR!

History was made Tuesday afternoon when Joe Biden's hand, resting limply on a Ouija Board planchette, was aggressively guided to a picture of Senator Kamala Harris - thereby making her the official Democrat candidate for vice president of the United States.

Of course, when drummed out of the actual presidential nomination process, Harris said it was because Democrats (those misogynistic racist bastards) just weren't ready to vote for a "strong woman of color" - a trend which we hope to see repeated in November.

She also wasn't shy about accusing Biden himself of a long, long history of racism...



While none of the finalists on Joe's potential VP list were any good, we have to admit in complete honesty that we find Ms. Harris the most odious of the lot. Even her nomination is a sad day for our nation.

Space Racists

Now that the exploration of space is safely in the hands of eccentric billionaires, the folks at NASA have plenty of time on their hands to work on more important things. Having presumably completed their Obama-era "primary mission" of Muslim Outreach (see below), the agency has announced that they are now moving on to eliminating "culturally insensitive" nicknames for objects in space which are "actively harmful" and are painful reminders of "the systemic discrimination and inequality" inherent in staring up at the night sky.

For starters, NASA will no longer make reference to the "Siamese Twins Galaxy," a name which refers to 1800s sideshow legends Chang and Eng Bunker, conjoined twins who were not only "stars" but actually pretty darn cool. Seriously, they went from poverty to great wealth, married two sisters, and fathered 21 children. Now there's a mental picture you can't un-see.

NASA will now be referring to the twin galaxies as NGC 4567 and NGC 4568, apparently unaware that it's highly inappropriate to describe galaxies using n-words. The agency is also banishing the name of the "Eskimo Nebula" lest it offend any parka-wearing indigenous people who live in igloos and subscribe to "Sky & Telescope Magazine."

All of which is a good start, but NASA clearly still has a long way to go. Should vegans still have to be offended by the word "meteor?" Must the lactose intolerant be repulsed by the "Milky Way?" Do we want observatories burned to the ground by those protesting the term "Black Hole?" And what the hell were the astronomers thinking when they came up with the name "Red Dwarf?" Seriously, why piss off a group of people who have no ability to punch you anywhere other than in the balls?

Should a telescope have an eyepiece instead of a more inclusive we-piece? Shouldn't an orbit's "eccentricity" simply be referred to non-judgmentally as a "choice?" And instead of combing the universe for intelligence, shouldn't NASA spend more time looking out there for feelings?

Finally, we'd like to suggest that NASA put a special priority on finding a new phrase to describe the variations in sunlight reflecting from the seventh planet.  Because even we're offended by "waxing Uranus"

FROM THE VAULT: July 6, 2010



NASA Administrator Charles Bolden has revealed that the "foremost" mission Barack Hussein Obama wants him to accomplish is to improve relations with the Muslim world.

Speaking to Al Jazeera on the one year anniversary of the president's trip to Cairo to praise Islam, Bolden said that the president charged him with several tasks...the foremost of which was "he wanted me to find a way to reach out to the Muslim world and engage much more with dominantly Muslim nations to help them feel good about their historic contribution to science and math and engineering."

The president seems to be forgetting that the culture's last historic contribution to aviation science was the discovery of how to fly to New York using only boxcutters.

Oh, Baby

AND NOW, RANDOM COMMENTS ON THE NEWS FROM SOMEONE BARELY PAYING ATTENTION

• Joe Biden says he doesn't intend to take any cognitive tests because he can tell "the difference between an elephant and a lion." Based on that argument alone, we agree that additional testing is unnecessary.

• Following a devastating explosion in Beirut caused by Ammonium Nitrate, Joe Biden has contacted Lebanon to promise them that, if he is elected president, he will commit US troops to invade Ammonia.

• As of this week, the ACLU has filed nearly 400 lawsuits against the Trump Administration. They have also filed suit against UCLA for having a name that is potentially confusing to dyslectic anarchists.

• Trendsetters are claiming that "pineapples are the new pumpkins" for carving Jack O'Lanterns. Apparently because pineapple growers, not satisfied with screwing up pizza, now also want to screw up Halloween.

• Michelle Obama reports that she is suffering from "low-grade depression" owing to coronavirus, racial strife, and Donald Trump. Stilton's Place has started a Go Fund Me (And The Horse I Rode In On) page where donors can contribute toward a $15 goal to buy the former first lady a jug of Clan MacGregor and a tasteful STFU card.

• On Thursday, survivors of the Hiroshima atomic bomb blast gathered to commemorate the 75th anniversary of the event, which reminded us of two things: this old post from 2016, and what a complete POS Barack Obama is. No wonder Michelle is depressed...

Their tiny tanks never stood a chance.

Yesterday, Barack Obama confirmed plans to be the first sitting president to visit Hiroshima while wearing lead-shielded underpants.

His purpose is, by wild coincidence, to tell the world how awful nuclear proliferation is (except, say, in Iran) but he reportedly has no plans to specifically apologize for the bombs which ended World War II with impressive finality.

Still, his visit is seen internationally as an acknowledgment that America once did a very, very mean thing and, now that many young Americans have no freaking sense whatsoever of history, we feel just awful about it. Come here, Hiroshima - you need a hug!

By the way, as long as we've mentioned people being increasingly clueless about history, the link above goes to a story in US News & World Report which reports that we dropped a hydrogen bomb on Hiroshima on August 6th, 1945.  Which was a pretty good trick, considering that the first hydrogen bomb (1000 times more powerful than the Hiroshima bomb) was test-detonated seven years later in 1952.

But hey, why let little things like empirical facts and actual history spoil a story about what assholes we were back in the 1940s? And for that matter, why should those realities deter Barack Obama from his latest strident stop on the seemingly unending "blame America first" tour?

Oh, Chute

Remember me mentioning that I might be making minimal posts from time to time? This is one of those times! And please know that all is well - really! - other than in a time management sense. As some scholar once said: "the hurrier I go, the behinder I get."

But rather than leave this page empty, I'm sharing another ancient cartoon drawn by my Dad, from whom I inherited an appreciation for dark humor. Hopefully you'll enjoy it too!

There's Nothing Like a Damien

Proving once again that she has way, way too much time on her hands, Alexandria Ontario-Canadez is now complaining that a US Capitol Building statue of Father Damien, a Catholic priest who devoted his life to caring for the wretched residents of a leper colony in Hawaii before contracting and dying of the illness himself, represents "patriarchy and white supremacist culture."

The fact that Father Damien was a racist asshole no doubt comes as a shock to the Catholic church, which made him a saint, as well as to Hawaiian historians who are aware that Hawaii's Princess Lili'uokalani visited the leper colony on Molokai to personally honor the selfless priest. In 2009, then-governor of Hawaii Linda Lingle proclaimed October 11 to be Saint Damien Day, to celebrate a man who "remains a spiritual hero and an icon of love, compassion, courage, humility and humanitarian service."

None of which, in AOC's unforgiving eyes, excuses him for being white.

NAME GAME

Joe "Who's Joe Biden?" Biden will reportedly name his choice for a VP candidate sometime this week. Or maybe next week.

Okay, the timetable is fuzzy but he's got a reminder written in bold, block letters on a Post-it note so it will definitely happen pretty soon. Probably.

Insider speculation is that his choice is most likely to be Senator Kamala Harris. Insider speculation is also that the announcement has been delayed because he keeps mistakenly calling her "cameltoe."

UPRIGHT POSITION

According to newly-released documents, Bill Clinton did indeed spend time on Jeffrey Epstein's so-called "Pedophile Island" in the company of "young girls."

The former president, fabled hound dog, and pathological liar has adamantly denied any wrongdoing, shaking his stink-finger for emphasis. According to unconfirmed sources, Slick Willy has said "If I ever was on the island, and I'm not saying I was, it would have been because of my  well-documented interest in gardening." When pressed to be more specific, Clinton replied "deflowering."

Fool Disclosure

Scotch and water, anyone?

It's likely that publishing here at Stilton's Place is going to be a bit more sporadic for awhile, and I want to fill everyone in on what's going on. No need to hold your breath - this doesn't go anywhere particularly bad!

Several weeks ago, Mrs. J injured her back in a freak accident involving maggots and a city trash receptacle (but haven't we all?). We initially thought it was just a strain or sprain, but it wasn't. Rather, it was a compression fracture in one of her vertebra, which has severely limited the things she can do and her ability to get around (she can walk, but not for very long, and can't drive). Additional tests have shown other small fractures which previously hadn't been a problem, and osteoporosis.

She's forced to wear a championship wrestling-style belt/brace, she started physical therapy today, and she'll be having multiple sessions weekly. Other treatment options will depend on what we learn. There will also be multiple doctor visits, scans, tests, and other mischief related to all of this... and, being old farts, we were already doing frequent doctor visits as a form of geriatric recreation.

We're doing fine, but I'm going to be doing a lot of driving, minor caregiving ("peel me a grape!"), and attending to chores that Mrs. J handles when not infirm. And trust me, that's pretty much everything around here! Even with Daughter J's help, we're hard put to keep up!

But of course, that's not ALL that's going on. Covid-19 is still rolling across the nation and doing more damage than is generally recognized. That would be an important topic to talk about, but due to the politics and misinformation, no one really seems open to ideas or new, genuinely scientific information. And without a smart consensus, this plague is a long way from over. Frankly, it's tiring to try to ignore this huge story and find other topics to write about.

Although there are plenty! It's just that they're all depressing as Hell. Seriously, I frequently feel like I'm an older, uglier Charlton Heston and my spacecraft has somehow managed to trap me on the Planet of the Assholes. Preposterously biased "news" reports, Trump's tweets, riots in the streets, a collapsing economy (currently held aloft with imaginary money from the Fed), the unending perfidy of Democrats (between Nadler interrogating Barr and Obama turning John Lewis's funeral into a political rally, I can't even LOOK at these SOB's lately), cancel culture, racial animosity, social media tycoons digitally erasing freedom of speech, a nationwide attack on police officers, etc, etc.

Depending on how ALL the events in my life are going on any given day, these things could quickly and effectively be turned into prickly humor...or they could suck the life out of me for hours as I try to do enough clumsy self-surgery to find my funny bone. I can't really do that and still attend to my most important priorities, so I'm working on finding the best balance.

WHAT'S GOING TO ACTUALLY CHANGE HERE? Probably very little! I'm still as snarky as ever, the world is certainly as crazy as ever, and I really enjoy our interactions here. But for awhile, I'm going to occasionally post things along the lines of "sorry, I can't play today," and I don't want that to take anyone by surprise. I'm not going anywhere - I'm just stretched a bit thin for awhile.

Of course, the best way to know for sure when there's tasty new content on the page is to be signed up on my spam-free mailing list!

BONUS: RED SKIES AT NIGHT...

Just to say "thank you" for reading this far, here's a lovely sunset I spied from the back yard last night. Idyllic, except for the skeeters, sweltering heat, and the mine field of dog poops...

Time Off for Bad Behavior

Remember a couple of weeks ago when we said we were going to take time off to "catch up on things?" Well, that was pretty much a disaster. So we're trying it again for today and Friday.

All is fine - we just need to turn the tide on all of the undone things which are stacking up around here. We'll see you in the comments section - and here's a little foolishness just to say "thanks" for stopping by!

Guerillas In Our Midst

Coincidentally, they're also the "Not Fucking Clear On Covering Your Damn Noses" Coalition.

Tragedy rocked Louisville, Kentucky this weekend when three members of the BLM-supporting militia group, the "Not Fucking Around Coaltion," were shot by one of their own members who was apparently screwing around like a "Fucking Asshole," which is a different but ideologically similar coalition with a considerable overlap in membership.

At the time of this writing, it is still not clear if the shooter will be charged with any crimes or simply receive a special commendation for public service.

The group's founder, Grandmaster Jay (who apparently doesn't know the name "master" is potentially offensive), assured the public that his militia's presence is no cause for alarm, that their intent is entirely peaceful and, if they don't get exactly what they're demanding in the next four weeks, that Louisville will be left in ashes because "we are going to burn this motherfucker down."

Should that occur, for the safety of the NFAC's surviving members, we'd like to recommend that they don't ask Dr. Anthony Fauci to throw out the first molotov cocktail...

Reminder: MLB supports the fight against Dyslexia!

News at Tan

In our constant quest to bring diversity to these pages, Stilton's Place has again solicited opinions on topical stories from a variety of women, including women of color. Toasty brown color.

And who can argue with their trenchant insights? For instance, it's actually 100% true that the "Washington Redskins" have officially changed their name to the "Washington Football Team."  Although this represents a new low in sheer gutlessness, we think that the name is still offensive - and not just because of the reference to A) a dead white slaveowner and/or B) a filthy corruption-filled swamp.

Did the owners (and how offensive is that term?!)  give any consideration to the fact that the rest of the world says that "football" means "soccer?" Isn't it time for us to adopt the global standard and call our sport something else entirely? And can we really tolerate the word "team," which is a blatant homophone for "teem" - as in "the wretched refuse of your teeming shore"? Why is anyone still calling immigrants "wretched refuse"?! Seriously, the whole name needs a complete do-over. And while they're at it, ditch the religiously offensive "pigskin."

And speaking of pigs (we are masters of the deft segue), how about the "Wall of Moms" who linked arms in Portland to guard their precious little protest-fascists against the big bad police? These "Moms" claim unwavering and unthinking allegiance to Black leaders, none of whom seem to turn up in pictures of the event.

"If [Black leaders] want one wall of moms, they get one!" said one of the petulant, blindingly-white middle-aged women. "If they want two, they get two! If they tell us to jump, we jump. And if they tell us to leave, we leave." Which we'll bet happens a lot.

And rounding out (rather fetchingly) today's trio of stories, Donald Trump has finally been seen wearing a Covid-19 suppressing face mask. He has additionally tweeted that "in our effort to defeat the Invisible China Virus...it is patriotic to wear a face mask." That's not quite declaring that he backs the science, but hopefully people who have been reluctant to wear masks in public will now do so in order to keep Donald Trump  from thinking that they're anti-American assholes.

BONUS: DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER, DAMMIT!

There's really no special significance to this cartoon, but sometimes punchlines come to us unbidden and if we don't get them out of our head, we break out in hives. True story.

IN MEMORIAM: OL' REMUS & THE WOODPILE REPORT

We're sad to report that Ol' Remus, the host of the popular conservative blog "The Woodpile Report" has passed away. The blog was a reliable source of wit, information, and analysis. It will be missed.

B At Last, B At Last...

George Floyd did not die in vain. Oh sure, in the wake of his death there have been hundreds of businesses burned to the ground, dozens of monuments defaced, tens of millions of dollars in property damage, multiple murders, a skyrocketing increase in crime, and greater racial animosity dividing the nation than we've seen in half a century.

But it's all been worth it, because the Associated Press has announced that they have changed their internal style guide and will now always capitalize the word "Black" when used in the context of race and culture. The AP did not comment on whether capitalization will apply when "black" is used in the context of historic plagues.

Interestingly, the AP has also announced that they won't be doing the same for the word "white," because "white people suck." Okay, that's not how they said it, but the inference is clear enough. In the words of the New York Times, "white doesn't represent a shared culture and history in the way Black does."

Which is undeniably true unless you count picky little things like the Magna Carta, the Renaissance, and the founding of Western Civilization.  Although, based solely on having a shared culture and history, it will probably still be okay to capitalize "White Trash."

BONUS: MECCA DIFFERENCE WITH JOE

In what's being touted as an historic event, the Man Who Lives in Biden's Basement addressed a group of 3,000 people during a Muslim American Advocacy event to solicit their votes in November.

Biden spoke passionately about Islamaphobia, the need for a Palestinian state ("Maybe Idaho"), and the enormous contributions of Muslims in fighting the coronavirus pandemic - presumably by ordering their women to keep their faces covered for another thousand years.

Perhaps thinking fondly of the black children who so loved to stroke his leg hairs, Biden said: "I wish, I wish we taught more in our schools about the Islamic faith. What people don't realize is...we all come from the same root here." He then started chuckling, wiggling his eyebrows, and repeating "come from the same root" Beavis & Butthead-style until his chair was kicked from offscreen.

While Biden didn't make many actual policy statements, nor prove he was wearing pants, he was very clear about one thing: "If I have the honor of being president, I will end the Muslim ban on Day One. Day One."

We assume that, in Joe's mind, he means that Muslims will finally be able to use the same Ban (or any deodorant of their choice) that other Americans use.

Useless Money-Saving Tips!

If Indiana Jones was lashed to a pole just as a current news broadcast was about to open, he would surely scrunch his eyes shut and shout "DON'T LOOK AT IT!!!"

Which is why I'm skipping all of that topical stuff (hey, who wants a melted face?) and am instead sharing something (hopefully) fun out of my files.

In this case, we're traveling back in time to 1980, when the nation was caught up in an energy crisis. A major public utility company hired my Dad and I to create a comic piece about energy conservation which they could put in their consumer newsletter, thereby making it less likely that said consumers would storm their offices with torches and pitchforks. Although my Dad was the more experienced copywriter, he let me do most of the writing while he created the cartoon illustrations.

It was a delight for me to share a project with my Dad, and a nice bonus to get paid actual money for just making up ridiculous stuff. My career path was set.

Some of the cultural and technical references are a bit dated, 40 years later, but most of the tips are every bit as practical and useful now as they were then. Which is to say...not very.

FROM THE VAULT: RUMPER STICKER...

We've been hearing that the odds are getting better for Elizabeth "Princess Running Gag" Warren to be selected as Joe Biden's VP choice. Which would make her, we guess, the "Tepee VP"...

We're skeptical, since Biden has all but promised that his candidate will be a woman of non-assumed color and #BlackVotesMatter, but anything could happen. Which is why we're revisiting this possibly prophetic cartoon from the old Hope n' Change days!

A Little Horseplay

After skinning our knee pretty spectacularly a few days ago, we've been reminded of the old adage about scabs: if you pick at it, it won't get better.

Wisdom which we thought we'd also try applying to the news today: if we don't pick at it, maybe it will eventually get better.