Schrodinger's Poll-Cat

At the time of this writing (after 10:30pm on Tuesday), there's no clear winner of the 2020 Election and a great likelihood that the result may not be known for days. A number of states have adopted bizarre standards for collecting votes by mail, making it theoretically possible that the last, deciding votes won't be counted until 10 days after election day. Which, appropriately for this whole freaking year, falls on a Friday the 13th.

We'll certainly have more to say about election developments as they unfold, but for tonight we're going to bed - taking at least a little satisfaction from the fact that there may not be a clear winner tonight, but there's already a clear loser: the media and pollsters who confidently (and inaccurately) predicted a "blue tidal wave" and an easy landslide victory for Joe Biden. To them we say, "C'mon man!"

Rube-y Tuesday?

Thanks to the miracle of Daylight Saving Time, we recently gained yet another hour of unwanted suspense leading up to Election Day. On the plus side, many Democrats now believe that because of the time change, Tuesday won't happen until Wednesday this week. An idea which we should reinforce as much as possible.

Approximately 92 million early votes have already been cast - a number which will surely skyrocket on Tuesday when the living are allowed to vote.

Here at Stilton's Place, we have no freaking idea which way this thing is going to go. According to the media and pollsters, Trump is going to get his orange hiney kicked. On the other hand, the media and pollsters are despicable liars, about whom maggots tell jokes trying to gross out their friends. Others believe that Trump will win in a blowout based on the fact that God, in His infinite wisdom, is using the President as a tool to achieve things in "mysterious ways." Occasionally bordering on downright baffling.

Whichever way the election goes, it's critical to make preparations now for the aftermath. For one thing, you should lay in a supply of food, water, medicines, and toilet paper in case a Trump victory triggers a wave of commerce-disrupting violent riots in the streets. Of course, you should also lay in a supply of all those things in case Trump loses, because they sure as hell won't be on store shelves once the commerce-disrupting socialists take over.

This is also potentially a good time to stock up on American flags with "only" 50 stars in case of a Democrat victory. These will not only be valuable collector's items, but they'll also be a handy way to identify your home as not belonging to an asshole.

Finally, it's likely that the acrimony between friends and family members will only increase once the election is finalized. To help bring us all together again, we suggest that you plan to send a peace-making gift to those people you've disagreed with. If Trump wins, we suggest you send a tasteful bouquet with a gift card that says "Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" as many times as possible. If Trump loses, just send the liberals on your list a lovely handbasket and a map which smells of brimstone.

Wait of the World

After a bit of introspection, we were able to identify the queasy feeling which has been tying our stomach in knots. It's the feeling we have when spending endless hours in a waiting room while a loved one is in surgery. Is everything going to be okay? Is nothing going to be okay? Are there really NO magazines to read unrelated to golf?

But while we wait, there are at least a few amusements to distract us...

Yes, there's fresh rioting and looting related to an incident in which police fatally shot a black man for no reason whatsoever other than that he was big, out of his mind, and was chasing them with a butcher knife.

But the usual numbnuts on the Left are still complaining about police officers saving their own lives, and are declaring that a knife is such a silly little weapon that it shouldn't even be considered dangerous. 

This is not an opinion shared in Nice, France, where two people were killed, and a third killed and beheaded, by a knife-wielding maniac shouting "Allahu Akbar." An Arabic phrase which, according to Google, translates to "free Nikes for everyone if the gendarmes shoot me."

FROM THE VAULT: TRICKY TREAT

Happy Halloween from Stilton's Place!

Pointed Remark

Don't bother looking for a deeper meaning in today's cartoon - it's really just a matter of venting related to the fact that, when we look around at the news and the world lately, we genuinely feel like we're drowning in assholes. And while we can't claim to have any theological insights, we think that the scenario shown above is plausible at the very least.

On a macro level, we're feeling stress from all of the insanity associated with the election, the pandemic, politics in general, and the media's growing comfort with being all propaganda, all the time. Actual facts are no longer in vogue, and actual harm may come to those who keep trying to share them.

To be sure, we're pleased that Amy Coney Barrett was confirmed, but we're concerned that her appointment may be historic by virtue of being the last time the "ninth seat" will be filled, as well as being the last appointment before the Supreme Court officially transforms into a legislative rather than judicial body. Not to mention ending up with more members in robes than the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

On a micro level, we're dealing with frustrations like fighting with a frigging insurance company to allow Mrs. J to get a necessary medicine related to her recent health woes. She's now been without the medication (which should be injected each and every day) for over a month, because of that biblical plague of assholes which we mentioned above.

Side note: the medication, for osteoporosis, is impressively expensive. Like, "ugly but running used car" expensive or "a weekend of crack for Hunter Biden" expensive. If one lacks insurance, the manufacturer has a plan to give it to you for next to nothing. But if you have Medicare (and guess how many people with osteoporosis fall into that age category) you get no discount at all even though Medicare refuses to throw in a nickel. Being punished financially - and blocked medically - just for having Medicare doesn't really increase our desire for more governmental bureaucracy in healthcare.

But enough griping. Life is good overall, even on days (like this one) when the grumpies get the better of us.

Toe Biden

Despite finally coming up from the cellar, Joe Biden's campaign is again stuck in debasement. As if it wasn't bad enough that his son Hunter's laptop computer is packed with evidence of corruption (including payouts of foreign money to Joe "The Big Guy" Biden himself), a new video of Hunter has been released by a Chinese TV channel which is literally a kick in the nuts. Which is a perfectly good joke that you may not get unless you read further which, in good conscience, we don't necessarily recommend. Because there's no way to handle this story tactfully or tastefully, even if we wanted to. Which we don't. Read on at your own risk and please, avoid having a mouthful of liquid until you've safely reached the bottom of the page.

The video (which you can see here until it's "disappeared") shows a fully nude Hunter Biden reclining in a dark room, simultaneously smoking crack and holding up his cellphone to take closeup movies of someone (reputed to be an underage female) vigorously stroking "little Hunter" with her oiled feet. An act which is unbelievably dangerous owing to the risk of contracting "athlete's dick."

It's also not safe because this is the sort of thing the Chinese government loves to record to use as blackmail against people of influence. Like, oh, the potential president of the United States. 

Then again, blackmail only works if the intended victim is afraid of the news getting out - and that seems increasingly unlikely to happen in the United States as mainstream news outlets and social media platforms continue to actively erase any and all references to Biden-family malfeasance. Even dull as dishwater (and taxpayer-supported) NPR has announced that they won't tell their listeners anything about Hunter's laptop (his computer, not his foot warmer) nor Joe's role in selling influence to foreign adversaries. Their reason for burying the story is somewhat convoluted, but it more or less wraps up with "and the horse you rode in on."

Of course, that dam won't hold forever - but it doesn't have to. Once Biden is elected, the real powerbrokers on the Left will be only too happy to see him resign, get impeached, or go to jail. Old Joe's only use is to get their foot in the door. So to speak. 

Trick or Cheat!

Voted "scariest costume of 2020"

Wow! How about that wild and crazy Presidential debate last night?! We can't begin to put in words how astounding it was and how much impact it's going to have on election results!

And the reason we can't put it in words is that we're writing this hours before the debate, so we don't actually have any idea what happened - though we'll venture a wild guess that it wasn't a tidy and orderly affair and Trump will be roundly criticized for some damn thing.

But we can comment on other exciting news, like Barack "Mind if I eat your dog?" Obama finally getting out and campaigning for his former Vice President...

There are no reports of anyone fainting in his Godlike presence, either

Yes, Barry himself took to the streets of Pennsylvania, bullhorn in hand, to rouse the passions of nearly a dozen potential voters who are currently living in their parents' basements. Unable to come up with much in the way of specific accomplishments (or future plans) by Biden, the former president instead went on the attack against Trump, who "emboldens other people to be cruel and divisive and racist."

This ugly pack of lies doesn't seem to square with Michelle Obama's claim that in matters of political rhetoric, "when they go low, we go high." Although it's entirely possible that Barry did go to the event high. By his own admission, he's a man who loves his pot, booze, and maybe a little blow when he can afford it.

And maybe enough of all three at once can help dull the pain of shilling for Joe "Buy Me" Biden.

The Sound of Silencing

Thursday evening sees the final Presidential Debate of the 2020 election season, and the debate commission is instituting a few changes to make sure that it will be an orderly affair. Specifically, they're wrapping Donald Trump in a straightjacket, binding him with chains, locking him in a trunk, then lowering him by crane into a tank of water where he'll have only two minutes to throw off his restraints and escape drowning.

No wait, we're thinking of Harry Houdini, who debated Biden back in the 1920s. Successfully, we might add. 

But this time around, the debate commission has decided to discourage interruptions by turning off each candidate's microphone while his opponent speaks for two minutes. At least, that's the theory - and one which will be put sorely to the test when Donald Trump repeatedly uses his two minutes to list all of the damning evidence regarding Joe Biden's illegal graft which has come to light on Hunter Biden's laptop computer. Frankly, we can't imagine the moderator letting Trump speak uninterrupted about a giant scandal that Twitter and Facebook have forbidden their users from even seeing.

And while it's popularly considered that this new rule is an attempt to squelch President Trump (yeah, good luck with that), it might actually work to his favor. After all, is it even conceivable that Joe Biden can speak for two consecutive minutes without putting his foot in his mouth...?

Byte of the Hunter

Well, here's another nice meth you've gotten us into!

Joe Biden's son Hunter is in the news, assuming you consider "the news" to be the New York Post, Fox News, and pretty much no one else. After allegedly deserting his laptop computer at a repair shop, Hunter's hard drive was reviewed by the store owner and discovered to contain thousands of personal photos, including of sex and drug use, and scads of emails which clearly indicate that Joe Biden was selling his influence as Vice President to any foreign country that would line Hunter's pockets (including China and Ukraine).

Not that ol' Joe was altruistic about it; according to the emails, he personally demanded 50% of the bribe money that he had his son skimming from foreign governments. In other words, it seems that there's solid proof that Joe Biden is as sleazy and corrupt as they come, and his happy ass should be in jail. Where, if there is a God in heaven, his old nemesis Corn Pop will be a surly guard.

But that's unlikely to happen, with 99% of the media (including social media) actively covering the whole thing up. Which they can't do forever, but quite likely can do until election day - which is really all that matters. If Joe wins the White House and is immediately impeached, the Democrats couldn't be happier. He is, after all, not who they really want running the show.

In a normal year (which, we believe, is now an archaic term) this developing scandal would have a huge impact on the election, and the incumbent party would just stay quiet and let Biden twist in the wind. But "staying quiet" apparently isn't a skill that everyone has mastered...

FROM THE VAULT: BIDEN FAMILY VALUES (November 22, 2019)

Like father, like scum.

With all of the arm-flapping, spin, and misdirection of the Schiff hearings, people haven't been paying enough attention to one of the case's central matters: determining just how much of a corrupt sleazebag Joe Biden's son Hunter really is.

Granted, we already knew that he'd been thrown out of the military for drug use. That he'd been in rehab multiple times. That he was siphoning off huge sums of money on various boards (including in Ukraine) to give people quid pro quo access to his father.

We even knew that Hunter Biden left his wife in order to start banging his dead brother's widow. And thanks to a recent DNA test, we now know that while Hunter was cheating on his wife, and enjoying some kind of necrophiliac incest with his sister-in-law, he was also shtupping a young woman in Arkansas who he knocked up, then lied about ever having had sex with her.

The legally-mandated DNA test came about because Biden had stopped making support payments to the mother and child, which is especially tacky considering the millions of dollars in graft money finding its way into his bank accounts.

Presumably, the mother and child will no longer have financial worries, even if Hunter won't cough up any dough. After all, now that his lineage has been proved, Joe Biden's new grandson can start sitting on the boards (using a booster seat) of some of the world's most corrupt companies.

I Voted

Oh, I voted alright. Not with any pleasure but with considerable passion. 

I voted for Donald Trump (as did Mrs. J, who had to go to the polls with a fractured spine), not because I love him (I don't), but because he's sure as hell better than any alternatives the Democrats are offering. Or should I say "threatening."

A genuinely dear friend posted on Facebook yesterday that people who vote as I did are straight up fascists with "foul beliefs," whether we admit it or not. "Most villains don't recognize their own evil," this well-intentioned person said - although on that sentiment we agree, for different reasons.

So let's unpack what my vote for Trump (and a straight ticket of Republicans, assuming that I can still say "straight" without being sent to a gulag) actually meant. In no particular order, I voted:

• To keep the Supreme Court a judicial rather than legislative body.
• To keep racists from gaining even more political power.
• To keep my future votes from being disenfranchised by the addition of new Democrat "states."
• To free Black Americans from their liberal prison plantations by increasing their access to education and opportunity.
• To stand in solidarity with the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.
• To clean up the FBI, the CIA, and the DOJ.
• To keep socialism from devouring our economy and work ethic.
• To have legal citizenship actually mean something.
• To improve everyone's access to quality, affordable healthcare.
• To ensure equal rights to all regardless of race, color, faith, or sexual orientation.
• To fight against "cancel culture."
• To protect our cities from those who would burn them down without fear of legal consequence.
• To resist the control of all information and speech by giant media conglomerates.
• To support police agencies and the communities which they serve.
• To maintain a viable economy during the pandemic rather than embrace systemic failure.
• To allow political dissent and the free exchange of ideas.
• To drain the Washington swamp.
• To keep our military strong.
• To put America first.

And much, much more of course. What I didn't vote for, knowingly or unknowingly, are any of the heinous "foul beliefs" my friend seems to imagine are in my coal-black heart.

Casting our votes this time around was a bittersweet process owing to the high stakes and uncertain outcome we're currently facing. It's my belief that if this election is lost, that future "stacked" elections won't matter; the "Dems" that will forever-after beat us won't be Democrats but demographics. And I genuinely fear that under a Biden/Harris/Sanders/Pelosi/AOC administration, people like myself won't just be persecuted for our beliefs, but prosecuted for them. 

On the plus side, I also believe that a lot of Americans are sick of the Left's lies, anger, and divisiveness and will cast their votes in a way not predicted by fictitious polls. It happened before, and here's hoping it happens again.

Drawing a Blank

Amy Coney Barrett's confirmation hearings are going fine so far, assuming you consider it "fine" for a brilliant legal mind and outstanding human being to have to sit silently while a panel of politically motivated morons yap endlessly about why they think she's of low character.

In terms of actual legal knowledge, the Dems haven't been able to lay a glove on her. Nor have they been able to get her to respond to their baited questions about how she would decide imaginary cases in the future. So instead, the Democratic senators simply use their time making speeches about the millions who will die (from losing Obamacare) if Judge Barrett is sworn in, and the millions who won't die (from abortion) if she rules on Roe vs. Wade. Making us wonder why they can't make up their freaking minds about whether they're pro-death or anti-death.

The Dems are also using visual aids like poster-sized pictures of children with serious illnesses so that the great unwashed can see that the mother of seven (including two adoptees and a special needs child) has no empathy, despises children, and is quite likely hiding her investments in a company which sells child-sized coffins.

And no, we're not going to make a joke about RBG also having a child-sized coffin because it would be an appalling lapse of taste.

But not as bad as that of Democrat senator Mazie Hirono from Hawaii, who asked Barrett (in front of her children), "Since you became a legal adult, have you ever made unwanted requests for sexual favors, or committed any physical or verbal harassment or assault of a sexual nature" and "have you ever faced discipline or entered in a settlement related to this kind of conduct?" 

Barrett answered "no."

The answer to Hirono's final question, "have you ever blown Willie Brown?" was drowned out by an explosive spit take and coughing fit by committee member Kamala Harris.

A Fool and Your Money Are Soon Parted

Owing to our grueling schedule (it takes a surprisingly long time to make enough gruel to last all week), we're unable to post any 100% new content today but can assure you that there's also no 100% new news.

Which makes it a great time to swing wide the door of the Hope n' Change archival vault to remind everyone what an annoying, socialist tool Joe Biden is.

FROM THE VAULT: SHEKEL SHACKLES (Feb 27, 2015)

Joe Biden hosted a Black History Month event at his residence on Monday ("Try the hors d'oeuvres," he insisted, "They're all made with George Washington Carver's peanut butter!") and as usual ended up with controversial comments sticking to the roof of his mouth.

After years of hearing that taxpayers want him to keep his hands off their "cotton-picking money," Joe apparently came to believe that the money really is picking cotton, singing spirituals, and being held in slavery by the evil rich.

"This cannot stand!" Biden shouted at the invitees, nearly causing his stovepipe hat to topple. "It's not fair!"

"Business experts are saying that the concentration of wealth is stunting growth," Biden continued in a clear reference to former child star Gary Coleman, "So let's do something that's worthy of emancipation!"

Presumably, Biden's idea of emancipation consists of "freeing" money from the capitalist bastards who actually worked for it and using that liberated wealth for something much more important: the funding of the Left's vast, and nearly inescapable, vote-producing entitlement plantations.

Hope n' Change finds it sadly ironic, especially during Black History month, that when our nation got its first black president, he looked at all the possible contenders for vice president...and chose to pick a ninny.

Meanwhile at the NAACP...

The Flies Have It

For a disturbingly large number of people, the most fascinating thing about the recent Vice Presidential Debate occurred  when a large fly landed on Mike Pence's head and sat there for two hypnotic minutes. 

Pence seemed entirely unaware of the fly's presence despite the fact that it was putting on little skis and preparing for a downhill run across his snowy head of hair. Kamala Harris was definitely aware of the fly, and showed frustration at her inability to snap it up with her lizard-like projectile tongue owing to the stage's plexiglass barriers.

Okay, that part wasn't true. Probably. In reality, when Harris was asked following the debate if she'd ever had trouble with flies, she said "Well, I chipped a tooth once trying to open Willie Brown's."

But despite the amusing nature of this story, there is a growing undercurrent of suspicion that the incident wasn't as innocent as it seemed. Unnamed sources have spoken off the record to Stilton's Place and revealed that this was a deliberate and pre-planned attempt to embarrass Vice President Pence and that the man responsible had way, way too much time on his hands...