Casualty Friday

After "The Shining," their attempt to do standup comedy pretty much went nowhere.

Some days, the muse doesn't pay us a visit. Unsurprisingly, this usually happens on days in which the "news" is full of the same, meaningless pap that we're already sick of talking about. Case in point: the NY Times just published a 1500 word story which says "unnamed sources" may have been in contact with "unnamed members" of the Mueller investigation team who may have said that the full report is considerably rougher on Trump than the Barr summary indicates.

If that story deserves any response other than "blow it out your ass," we certainly can't think of it.

And that's pretty much our attitude toward every story that's currently trending, tweeting, or tub-thumping to grab our attention. Which is why we're filling space with roller coaster jokes and knee-slappers like these...

The longer you think about it, the truer it is.

Okay, stick a fork in us - we're done. But we encourage any and all volunteers to raise salient points from the news (or at least share some better jokes) in the comments section in hopes of keeping today from being a total loss!

Beating About the Bush

As much as we hate to do so, we're actually coming to "Groping Joe" Biden's defense today. Not because he isn't "handsy" and apt to inappropriately touch women, children, and even men, but because we haven't heard any accusations yet that really say he's anything worse than being annoyingly physical in his interpersonal dealings.

After all, some people are huggers, others aren't. Some kiss spontaneously, and some don't. Some press a woman's nipple and say "ding dong!" because it's fun to make doorbell jokes, while others deny being able to tell the genders apart. Who are we to judge?

Granted, we enjoy watching the Left eat their own, but we think there are far, far better reasons for tossing Uncle Joe out of the Presidential race than his shnorfling the back of women's necks. For instance, he's been in Washington DC since the Pleistocene era and yet has never been right about a single issue or foreign policy decision.

This is a man who recently attacked white people for being white. A man who tells black Americans that Wall Street wants to "put you back in chains." A man who believes the proper exercise of 2nd Amendment rights consists of running out onto your balcony at night and firing a shotgun in the air if you were startled awake by a dog's fart.

So it's not Joe Biden's grasping of campaign supporters that bothers us so much as his inability to grasp reality.

As bad as this was, it could have been worse if they were in a bowling alley.

BONUS: AVOCADO'S NUMBER...

Terror, quite possibly tequila-related, swept our nation recently when it was announced that if President Trump seals our southern border to stem the rising flood of illegal invaders, we could run out of avocados within three weeks.

Oh sure, there are plenty of other delicious things to dunk chips in, but do we really want to increase our dependence on France just to maintain a critical flow of French Onion dip? Do we really want fey millennials wearing pouty faces because they can't get avocado toast? Do we really want to wait a few weeks to enjoy American-grown avocados that were still picked by Mexicans?

Well, yes - we do!

And if the Dems don't like it, we suggest that they dip their Doritos in another pasty substance which comes from South of the Border. So to speak.

April Fools' Day 2018

As has become April 1st tradition here at Stilton's Place, we're sharing our predictions for a number of news stories which we expect to break before day's end. Enjoy!

The Great White Hoax

Astounding, isn't it?!

We're pressed for time today, but just couldn't pass up this particular story. In the aftermath of hate-hoaxer Jussie Smollett suspiciously getting his 16 felony charges dropped by Chicago prosecutors (and Smollett and others claiming this proves he was telling the truth all along), people want to know why Jussie's friends, the Osundairo brothers, confessed to committing the fake attack.

Obviously, the only way both stories could even remotely be true was if Smollett actually believed the two Nigerians were white racist Trump supporters who routinely carry bleach and nooses during late night arctic cold snaps, waiting for gay black actors to emerge from a 24-hour sandwich shop.

To (ahem) "prove" this was a possibility, Smollett's attorney Tina Glandian said that the brothers might have been wearing "whiteface" disguises...and then produced a picture of one of the brothers wearing whiteface makeup (costumed as The Joker) to show how easily he could have been mistaken for a Caucasian. Perhaps even young Barron Trump, musician Edgar Winter, or one of the teutonic Von Trapp children from "The Sound of Music."

We won't lie: this picture is one of the most wonderful and hilarious things we've seen in ages.

And we don't know what Smollett (or Michelle Obama, Kamala Harris, Angela Davis, or George Soros) is paying that lawyer, but if she was able to present that particular picture and defense with a straight face, she's worth every penny.

Oh, Dem Judges!

"Mission Accomplished!"

Emergency measures had to be instituted yesterday to counteract a disturbing number of reports that Conservatives were beginning to believe the US Justice System might actually be working again. To counter those potentially dangerous thoughts, officials in Barack Obama's alleged home town quickly dropped all 16 felony charges against hate-crime hoaxer Jussie Smollet, after which Judge Steven G. Watkins, Democrat, sealed all of the court records to prevent the kind of "transparency" that other Dems are rabidly demanding from the Mueller report.

Clearly, this bizarre (and so far unexplained) action goes way past the usual norms of "blind justice." In fact, it suggests that in Chicago, justice isn't just blind but also deaf, dumb, and covered with malodorous, oozing syphilitic lesions.

Frankly, we're not surprised that the vast majority of murderers go uncaught and unimprisoned in Chicago, because Chicago doesn't care a rat's ass about the mainly low-income black victims who are being slaughtered on a daily basis. We're slightly more surprised that an open-and-shut case involving a hate crime and terroristic threats (hey, YOU try mailing white powder to someone and see if it gets laughed off!) is so easily being dismissed...and actively covered up.

But this is the world we live in now. If, in the eyes of the media and those holding political power, you hate the right people, then you can do no wrong and suffer no punishment.

As for us, we have a sprinkling of good memories of visiting Chicago and her museums when we were very young. Which is a good thing, because there's no way we'll ever again set foot in that crime infested, thoroughly corrupt hellhole. We certainly don't approve of nooses (even a Smollett "fake noose"), but the city might very well benefit from a very thorough washdown in bleach.

BONUS: (GRIN) NEW DEAL...

Spin Cycle

The Mueller Report is finished and the results are known. There was no evidence whatsoever of Russian collusion by Trump or anyone associated with him. There was no evidence whatsoever of any conspiracies amongst Trump and his people. And there was no objective evidence that Trump made any attempt to obstruct justice, even though Mueller - in a spectacular act of weasel-wording - chose to say that this lack of evidence "did not exonerate" Trump, and the decision should be made by the Attorney General of the United States. And that decision was (drum roll)... that there was no obstruction of justice.

In other words, all of the accusations we've heard from mainstream media talking heads, sleazy politicians, and Obama-era intelligence agency heads were complete and total lies, fabricated out of pure hatred and a desire to overturn the results of a Presidential election.

We should be in a celebratory mood over the Mueller Report, but we're not. After all, we've known the charges were baseless since before Trump was even sworn in. Nor can we take any pleasure in the notion that Mueller's Report is going to change the dialogue in the media or in Washington DC, because it won't make a damn dime's worth of difference. MSNBC, CNN, and the roughly five thousand Democratic presidential candidates are already out there proclaiming that this two year, $40 million dollar investigation doesn't clear Trump of anything. As AOC notably said (and we paraphrase for intelligibility) "it's more important to be morally right than factually accurate."

This comes as no surprise and, at this point, not even much of a disappointment. But what does concern us - a lot - is what comes next in terms of bringing to justice the many high-ranking officials,  including Obama, Hillary, and various intelligence heads, who tried to destroy the American election system and, failing that, subsequently attempted a Presidential coup d'etat.

That's the type of thing traditionally sorted out with fair trials and firing squads, although we'd be satisfied to see long, long jail sentences. Obama did a pretty good job of emptying his friends and allies out of our containment facilities at Guantanamo Bay, so we know there's plenty of room down there for those enemies of our nation and Constitution who no longer deserve the privilege of living on American soil.

Brushing the Dog

Okay, we give up. We wanted to write a nice post making fun of the most recent political idiocy, but we just can't today. And why? Because Penny (the official dog of Hope n' Change) is currently at the veterinarian's office getting her teeth cleaned, and we're on pins and needles waiting to find out that she's come through the trauma and anesthesia okay. After which, we'll probably self-administer a little personal anesthesia to calm our nerves.

Penny's predecessor, Maggie, thoroughly enjoyed having her teeth brushed - but Penny has never wanted any part of it. We've tried chicken flavored toothpaste, beef flavor, and peanut butter flavor (which was invented by George Washington Carver's dog) but Penny found none of them acceptable. Which is especially surprising considering the degree to which she enjoys Texas Yard Jerky, which is her own sun-baked poop. Yum!

Try as we might, we just can't focus on anything today other than nibbling our fingernails and having sweat bead on our brow while waiting for the phone call that we can finally bring our gleaming-toothed pooch home to safety.

She'll no doubt be wobbly for awhile, and will sporadically show her opinion of the days events by vomiting on our expensive new area rugs. Which, in fairness, is probably what we would have done anyway if really paying attention to the news.

Yeah, we've got a one-track mind today...

BONUS: THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME

The same look AOC had in her economics classes.

Penny is finally home (after seven hours!) from her trying day, and has decided that holding down the sofa for 24 hours or so is her best course of action. By tomorrow, she should be up and around again, and waiting to chase empty Clan MacGregor bottles around the backyard.

A little something we call Making Afternoons Great Again.

Ruth or Consequences?

Okay, we absolutely, genuinely wish no ill on Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and hope that she's doing well...but we do wish that her handlers could give us some concrete proof that she's still got her marbles. And a pulse.

Cynics that we are, we didn't find ourselves entirely reassured by a recent article which informed us that Ginsburg had just celebrated her 86th birthday and that the perky pixie of jurisprudence was "all smiles" as she cavorted around town. Especially since this is the photo they used to prove her vim, vigor, and vitality...

Wow, she looks great! Unless that's, oh, literally anyone else in the entire world who wears glasses. Or perhaps a small child holding a Ginsburg balloon. Or Ruth being carried to a waiting hearse...we have no freaking idea.

For that matter, we don't even really know if this is actually a photo or a painting by someone trying to rip off the impressionistic "colored dots" style of Georges Seurat.

In any event, we wish Justice Ginsburg a "happy birthday" and hope that she gets well - and gets retired - as soon as possible.

Luck of the I Wish

Okay, we may be a day late to the party but we couldn't ignore St. Paddy's Day entirely. After all, our paternal grandfather was 100% Irish, straight from County Cork. So our heart beats a little faster on March 17th, which we choose to think of as proud traditionalism rather than troubling and potentially deadly arrhythmia.

But turning serious for a moment, our heart genuinely does ache over the senseless and appalling massacre which took place in New Zealand, and was executed by a madman who played the whole thing as a social media event, including live-streaming murders and writing a lengthy, baffling, and self-contradicting manifesto designed to stoke argument, anger, and division. Let us be very, very clear about something: this piece of human garbage killed innocent people specifically to get his sick views noticed and talked about. Which is why we're not doing it and never will.  Screw this lunatic, and anyone who would use his acts for political leverage. Our hearts are with the people of Christchurch, New Zealand. All the people.

But to lighten today's post a bit, let's take a look at what happened when Chelsea Clinton tangled with protesters at an NYU vigil for the New Zealand victims...

You don't need a Hubbell telescope to notice she's growing into her real father's bottom lip...

In essence, an anti-Israeli protester accused Chelsea's tweet (in which she suggested that a Congresswoman's blatant anti-semitism wasn't a good thing) of triggering the Islamaphobic massacre in New Zealand. This immediately opens several important questions:

• Are tweets really that frigging important? To anyone?
• Does the radical left really think that anti-semitism is a winning play going into 2020 elections?
• Why the hell is a 39 year old woman hanging around vigils on a college campus instead of staying home caring for her kids, her private servers, and her secret bank accounts?

Frankly, we enjoy watching the Left devour its own, so really have no problem with this stupid story. Or, for that matter, this stupid story...

"I was only suggesting that she share her wealth."

School of Fort Knox

We're enjoying watching the big college admissions scandal story unfold, as it's got a little something for everybody. Hate rich people? Hate people who game the system? Hate people who live in a privileged bubble that you'll never enjoy? Hate Hollywood celebrities? This fraud's for you!

And while we chuckled over the hypocrisy of Senator Elizabeth "Princess Cheekbones" Warren saying that she has zero sympathy for people who fudge collegiate documents to get ahead (ironically while she was giving a clandestine "White Power" gang sign)...

...we couldn't help but be reminded of the long-running and highly plausible rumor that Barack Obama (or Barry Soetoro as he called himself at the time) got major funding help from Occidental College by claiming to be a foreign student. Of course, we can't confirm this blatant fraud - nor can Lefties disprove it - because Obama had the documentation sealed from public view...much like every other piece of information about his past. Because "transparency" apparently works best when armed guards protect your secrets.

But the college admission scandal isn't really about politics - it's about privilege, and those who abuse it. Actress Lori Loughlin apparently paid $500,000 to get her daughters into a good school, an amount for which you could probably buy entrance for a dead hamster or a small bowl of succotash. One daughter was already earning $300,000 a year on Youtube and questioned why she even needed college (not a bad point), though allowed that she'd grudgingly attend to enjoy "game day and partying."

We frankly doubt that this distracting, shiny object of a scandal (seen any major stories about FBI mattress Lisa Page testifying that Obama's DOJ ordered the FBI not to pursue charges against Hillary?) will make any real impact on fixing America's badly broken college system. But we do hope to see the guilty appropriately shamed and punished, if only to enjoy a brief moment of nostalgia for the way justice is supposed to work.

And who knows, maybe in this case it will...

Speaking of fake documents, we admit we made this one up.

BONUS: KILLER IDEA?

Hey, this might seem like a screwy idea, but it's not as screwy as what California's Governor Gavin Newsom just signed into law. When convicted killers have more protections than kids, the world is badly out of whack.

Impeach Impaired

Something very interesting has happened in the last couple of days. With hints that the long-awaited Mueller Report might finally be issued at any moment, the anti-Trump impeachment rhetoric of rabid Democrat dogs Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff has changed remarkably.

Perhaps after getting insider information that the Mueller Report will be less a hurricane than a butterfly fart, the two (and other democrats) are suddenly striking a much more subdued tone "for the good of the country." Right. As if either has ever showed interest in what was good for our country.

"Unless there's something so compelling and overwhelming and bipartisan, I don't think we should go down that path," said the ever-bipartisan House Speaker through tight-pressed, botoxed lips, "because it divides the country." And if there's one thing the Democrats clearly don't want, it's to divide the country...except by race, gender, religion, class, sexual orientation, culture, fiscal worth, or citizenship status.

In similarly measured tones (perhaps after quaffing a similarly measured amount of taxpayer-funded booze from Nancy's drink cart), Adam "When I Hit The Fan" Schiff reluctantly mumbled "A bipartisan process would have to be extra clear and compelling." As opposed to, presumably, made up out of whole cloth by a cabal of liars looking to overturn our last Presidential election.

Of course, the loud "beep-beep-beep" of high-ranking Democrats trying to back up may be due to more than just leaked information that the Mueller Report is going to be absolutely inconsequential. Because in a recent interview, Trump said that if the Democrats "want to play tough," then he will declassify documents which will be "devastating" to them.

This may be total BS on Trump's part (he is, after all, a more efficient manure spreader than you'll find on even the largest factory farm), or it might be actual truth. But if it is, we don't think Trump should be using it as a bargaining chip.

Rather, he should go ahead and drop the mother of all Truth Bombs on the Democrats (and deserving Republicans, for that matter) then start rebuilding our government in the smoldering, slightly radioactive crater that used to be the Washington swamp.

Sproing Forward, Fall Back

Oh sure, there's plenty of interesting and meaningful news worth talking about today, but we can't really do it. And why? It's because we're bleary-eyed, disoriented, and sick to our stomach, owing to the governmental curse called Daylight Saving Time.

And while we're not normally conspiratorially minded, we can't help but connect a few dots. Today, we could be writing about AOC accusing the United States of being "garbage" in statements made at the South By Southwest gathering in Austin, TX, or writing about the Democrats killing a bill to limit voting to actual citizens. We could be writing about House Democrats' tacit endorsement of anti-semitism, or the increasing panic among the Left-leaning that the Mueller report - if the damn thing ever comes out - will have absolutely nothing of substance about Trump's alleged Russian collusion.

But nooOOooo. Because the government is spreading sleeping sickness far more efficiently than any tsetse fly could ever dream of (see what we did there?), we're limited to tapping randomly on our keyboard while blinking with heavy-lidded eyes and thinking wistfully of death by ritual Seppuku just to end our zombie-like torpor.

And sure, people say that the nightmare of DST works itself out over the course of a year, but at our age we don't really consider that a guarantee. Instead, we look at the situation more like our friend Johnny Optimism does...

We'd say more, but at the time of this writing on Sunday night, the clock says it's 7 o'clock, yesterday at this time it was 6 o'clock, and our body - deprived of an hour of sleep this morning - says that it's 10 o'clock. Yeah, the math doesn't add up, but that's our whole freaking point.

Hopefully, but not likely, most of our malaise will have passed by Wednesday. If you need us in the interim, we'll be in bed wearing a tear-stained sleep mask.

BONUS: MORE OF THE SAME!

It Burns, Burns, Burns

Or maybe she was just splashed with Holy Water.

Just to be clear, we're not mocking anything about Ash Wednesday or the Catholic faith. If Nancy Pelosi wants to get ash-faced, it's certainly her privilege...and her sacred promise to give up something she loves for the 40 days of Lent will be good environmentally for the Earth, considering how many D-cell batteries she won't go through in that period.

But still, we find her public display of faith to be pretty much the ultimate in hypocrisy. This is a woman who proudly promotes infanticide, is an active obstacle to national security, and is a serial liar. And we're guessing that when she goes to confession, she has so many sins to confess that she has to pay staffers to recite all of the "Hail Marys" that she's racked up each week.

Among those recent sins is Speaker Pelosi's refusal to take a hard line condemning the blatant anti-semitism of new congressmuslim Ilhan Omar, whose anti-Israel rhetoric is actually supported by other blithering idiots on the left like AOC. Pelosi has made efforts to pass a nonbinding House resolution that members should probably pull back on bigoted hate speech, or at least try to curtail the amount of spittle spewing from their mouths while screaming invectives. So far, the other Dems aren't buying it because, hey, hate is fun! And the only source of Democrat power.

Of course, Nancy is far from the only politician to callously wrap herself in a religious facade while leading a life of spectacular immorality and straight-up evil.

But because of Lent, for the next 40 days we're forsaking the comfort we normally take in forgiving others for being scurrilous assholes, so we're calling her out.

BONUS: SPEAKING OF MAKING AN ASH OF YOURSELF...

Father Jolson sometimes got carried away.

FROM THE VAULT: THE SANDERS OF TIME...

Just a reminder that Sunday is Daylight Saving Time day, meaning that at some point in the middle of the night you should set your clock forwards or backwards by an hour - we don't really know which way and don't particularly care, other than to hate it. All we know with certainty is that we're going to have nausea and jet lag for the next two weeks, and it's the government's fault.