Atomic Ache

"Hey Bill, is that a missile in your pocket or are you glad to see me?"

Nothing says "Monday" quite like the threat of imminent nuclear destruction from a diminutive, family-murdering psychopath. In this case, we're referring to North Korea's Kim Jong-un (also known as the "Pillsbury Dough Boy of Death") who has declared that if a "single bullet is fired" by U.S. forces in Korea, they will nuke us into oblivion.

Even with a famously calm, cautious, and cool-headed President like Donald Trump delicately handling the crisis, it is at least a little bit worrisome to contemplate North Korea's desire to wreak havoc on our nation and the world. Especially since they could quite possibly pull it off, thanks to our old friends Bill and Hillary Clinton.

As you may recall if you don't get all your news from mainstream media, Hillary "That Glass Ceiling Is Thicker Than It Looks" Clinton and her husband raised tens of millions of dollars for their (ahem) "charitable foundation" by peddling State Department access and favors, as well as signing off on highly questionable deals like selling 20% of America's uranium reserves to Russia.

But this was hardly new behavior for the gruesome twosome. Way back in 1996, when the Clintons were actually renting out the Lincoln bedroom for sleazy celebrity romps in return for campaign contributions, Bill struck a controversial deal (again for hefty campaign donations) to let the Loral Corporation sell advanced missile guidance technology to China.

After which, in a spontaneous burst of unbridled capitalism, China sold the technology to the lunatics running North Korea - a terrifying and entirely predictable outcome which the Clintons didn't give a flying damn about as long as their illicit checks cleared. Some things never change.

And are Hillary's supporters outraged over this? They are not - and probably wouldn't be even if they'd heard of this existential nuclear threat and the attendant scandals (which they haven't). Instead, they spent the weekend in breathless distress over reports that climate change could cause mammals to shrink by as much as 15%.

In this nightmarish scenario, horses would become the size of slightly smaller horses, Great Danes would become the size of regular Danes, and the average sociopathic asshole would be exactly the size of Kim Jong-un.

Oh, The Arts and Humanities!

President Trump's budget calls for the complete elimination of taxpayer funding for NPR radio, PBS television, and the National Endowment for the Arts. All of which were things that Adolf Hitler also did just before firing up the big ovens.

Or at least, that's what the Left would have you believe. Personally, we're delighted with the budget cuts and think they're long overdue. According to the Neilsen ratings service, if PBS went off the air (unlikely, as only part of their budget comes from taxpayers), the average viewer would still have 188 channels to choose from. Likewise, there are plenty of free broadcast radio stations with which to replace NPR in the marketplace - not to mention tens of thousands of radio stations and podcasts available online.

As for the National Endowment for the Arts, we think it unlikely that art will stop being created or distributed by real artists just because the government checks dry up. But the faux artists, so loved by the Left, will stop getting huge paydays for dunking crucifixes in urine, and will instead go back to giving the police free samples of their whiz to test for drug use.

BONUS: THE WEARING OF THE GRIN

Happy Saint Patrick's Day! Although you wouldn't guess it from the Jarlsberg name, we actually have Irish blood thanks to a redheaded paternal grandfather who immigrated from County Cork. Once in America, he knocked up our grandmother (who apparently could have used a cork) out of wedlock, then scampered away like one of the elusive little people.

Leprechauns, that is. We're not mocking the short-statured nor implying in any way that they're a shifty and promiscuous lot, no matter what you're heard.

The joke, however, was on O'Grandpa - as it turned out that his bastard son became a talented and delightful man and great father. We'll be drinking a toast to his memory today, and hope you'll join us in raising a glass!

AND ONE MORE THING...

Today is a big day for Daughter Jarlsberg! She's moving to a new apartment which will be closer to her job.

She's excited, we're excited, and her dog Ladybug is excited! Still, the act of hauling all of your belongings across town, loading an apartment, and setting up a new life can be a bit harrowing. For that reason, we'll appreciate any and all positive thoughts directed toward Oklahoma today!

Open Megaphone Day

"Snowflakes should seek shelter in 5...4...3...2..."

Remember how we joked on Monday about how Daylight Savings Time messes with our mind? Well, we actually weren't joking at all and we're still in a walking coma. We look like Doc Brown from "Back to the Future" if he was appearing in one of those ads showing the longterm ravages of meth abuse.

That's why we're introducing an exciting new feature for everyone to enjoy on those occasions when, due to unavoidable circumstances (like our EEG flatlining), we can't meet our own rigorously high standards of journalistic excellence. Specifically, we're putting the burden on YOU to come up with interesting things to talk about in the comments section!

We'll start you with several random thoughts to show how the game is played:

• Regarding the GOP healthcare plan, we think that hitching posts should be installed outside of emergency rooms so that when people show up who have chosen not to carry insurance, the providers can decline to provide treatment "for you and the horse you rode in on."

• Kellyanne Conway, who frequently serves as interpreter when communicating President Trump's ill-expressed thoughts to those who are fervor-impaired, recently stated that kitchen appliances like microwaves "can turn into cameras" to spy on people. In the future, we suggest that Kellyanne leave such wacky pronouncements in the microwave a lot longer, because they're definitely coming out half-baked.

• MSNBC's Rachel Maddow obtained Donald Trump's taxes from 2005 and, after much huffing, puffing, and innuendo about "Russian oligarchs," anticlimactically revealed that he paid $35 million in federal taxes that year (an effective rate of 25% - higher than that MSNBC paid) and the IRS found no wrongdoing whatsoever with his returns. Meaning that the only newsworthy part of the story is who committed a felony by leaking a private tax return...and how soon can we see Trump make an example of that individual?

And now, let's hear from YOU! (Remember, to get to the comments section just click on the title of today's post, or click on the number of comments just below the post).