The Jarlsberg Diaries: Voices In My Head

The use of the name "Halburton" was coincidental, and does not imply Dick Cheney's endorsement.

Between home construction and threats of nuclear annihilation, I'm throwing another curveball your way today - although as always, I hope you'll find it a fun one!

As I've mentioned here in the past, for many years I was a radio writer and producer, and sporadic voiceover artist - always with an inclination toward comedy. I love the medium of sound, love old time radio, sound effects, theater of the mind, and all the rest. Frankly, it's a mystery that I'm not already doing some kind of podcast.

In any event, when I wasn't writing, reading, and recording funny commercials in the radio station's production room, I was doing my own nutty projects...a pattern which would pretty much define the rest of my working life, continuing right up through today.

With all of that being said, I present this 4 minute opus called "Mr. Halburton & Little Scotty: The Ventriloquist Act." Every voice you hear is mine. It's probably safe for work, albeit weird. And there's no real picture with this video: it's meant to be enjoyed as a "theater of the mind" piece.

I recorded that over 30 years ago when there was no such thing as digital audio. We used reel-to-reel tape machines (not even multi-track), and editing was done with grease pencils, razor blades, and sticky splicing tape. Sound effects were played "live" during the recording from turntables and cart machines (radio equipment that looked like old 8-track tapes and players for your car).

It was while working at this radio station that I met Richard Stone (who was doing the audio production when I signed on, and who taught me the craft). We became close lifetimes friends - and giggling idiots in the studio - until he passed away far, far too early. He eventually won multiple Emmys for composing wonderful music for television and film, and is best known for his "Carl Stalling" type musical creations which backed the beloved "Animaniacs" cartoon series (along with other projects from Warner Brothers). One of my fondest memories is of watching Rich direct the Warner Brothers Orchestra as they recorded his music.

The character of "Little Scotty" was actually born in a session in which I was just ad-libbing with Rich. I did a very sad (but painfully funny) monologue about him having something called "Blochner's Syndrome," a mysterious but incurable illness. Who knew that 30 years later I'd still be exploring the same vein of humor in "Johnny Optimism?"

Anyway, advertising and audio production took me to Dallas and eventually opened the door for something a little bigger...which then opened the door for something substantially bigger. But those are stories for another day.

For now, I still love creating audio and keep promising myself I'll get back to it. 

Maybe right after all the home renovations and, from the looks of things, a brief nuclear war.
   -Stilton

North To "I'll Blast Ya"

North Korea has apparently managed to miniaturize nuke warheads to the point that they'll fit into ICBMs way sooner than the "experts" expected (the same "experts" who assure us that Barack Obama's buddies in Iran are far from finishing their nukes), and a vacationing Donald Trump has declared that if Kim Jung Un doesn't quit screwing around, he'll be "met with fire and fury like the world has never seen."

Considering that there aren't many funny things we can say about this (the cartoon above quite likely being proof), we present an even more surreal than usual edition of Earwigs...

BONUS: REMODEL PRISONER

Our first two days of renovation went pretty well in stately Jarlsberg manor. On day one, a small army of workmen enthusiastically ripped everything out of our master bathroom. And we mean everything...

Tuesday, after some extended jackhammering, ripping, and rending, a carpenter roughed in the "pony wall" which will define the boundaries of our new shower stall (rising from that area where a Russian periscope is currently peering out of a hole in the ground), and on Wednesday we think there's a plumber coming to do something unknown which will almost certainly be noisy and expensive and keep us from being able to use toilets anywhere in the house.

We'd say more, but Happy Hour has just arrived without a second to spare.

Nobody Knows The Rubble I've Seen

Okay, we'll admit it - we're just using the story of Kim Jung Un's latest threat to "end the USA" as a segue into our talking about the renovations on the Jarlsberg mansion which are beginning today with the disconcertingly named "demolition phase."

The overall plan for our home renovation will involve destroying and rebuilding pretty much everything except the master bedroom (giving us a place to live for the next couple of months). So today, workmen are destroying the master bathroom so that it can be rebuilt first - thereby giving the Jarlsberg family a place to pee, poop, and shower (hopefully not all at the same moment) while the rest of the house is getting the wrecking ball.

We've already been inundated by a million little choices - each one of which strikes us as offering infinite room for error. Faucets, shower hardware, senior grab bars, tiles, granite slabs, light fixtures and toilets to name just a few things. And by the way, even picking out toilets is harder than we would have thought: it seems that besides all of the other features toilets now boast (pee vs. poop power flush options, heated bidet jets, self-closing "no slam" seats, LED lights, bluetooth speakers and wi-fi) they come in two basic shapes: an extended oval bowl, or a tinier circular bowl.

This is not an inconsequential difference for those of us who appreciate the extra space afforded by the larger bowl (we have metaphorically referred to this as wanting all of our fishing tackle to fit in the boat) yet we have been informed in no uncertain terms that of the three toilets being replaced, only one can be man-sized. Although any of the three would still work for Obama.

But enough about that - we mainly just wanted to make the official announcement that over the coming weeks Stilton's Place is likely to contain a significant amount of personal venting about the questionable joys of remodeling along with our usual sporadic commentary on whatever is passing for news.

We hope you'll enjoy the ride!

By the way, they HATE it when you do this in the toilet showrooms.