The Jarlsberg Diaries: Big Mac Attack

Man. The tool user.

We're taking a day off from the usual routine today because we just took delivery on our new 27" iMac with superduper 5k Retina screen, blazing processors, lots of RAM, SSD hybrid hard drive, and a new, up-to-date operating system which assures we'll probably be unable to use any of the goodies above.

See, we've been using our current iMac for 10 years, and bit by bit (no cyberpun intended) various chunks of it have stopped working. Even worse, because we've been using an old (as in very old) operating system, it's gotten to the point that we've been unable to upgrade software for the past several years...and now (the final straw, as it were) the outdated web browsers on the computer just won't talk to a lot of important sites anymore. Like our bank, for instance.

So we've taken a reluctant leap into the future by purchasing a refurbished 2015 iMac, thereby saving ourselves about a thousand bucks over a 2017 model. And that's important if there's any chance whatsoever that we might, in the process of setting up the computer, hurl it to the ground and jump on it.

Currently it's sitting by our elbow on our L-shaped desk, sneering haughtily at the decaying old computer we're using at the moment. Our first job will be to transfer the "Abby Normal" brain of our current computer into the new one, but that can only happen after the new arrival has warmed to room temperature (it was 20 degrees out when it was delivered). And we'll also need an electric storm into which to fly our kites.

We've been very reluctant to take this step because we're at the "old dogs, new tricks" stage of life in which, if we actually were a dog, we'd no longer remember how to lick ourselves. And even though Macs are relatively straightforward compared to Windows machines, each new iteration of operating system takes them a little farther from anything like a baby boomer's idea of reality.

Not to mention that many of our favorite programs won't even work on the new machine, which means more learning curves on more pieces of software we'll need to buy. Sigh...

But on the positive side, this will also be the start of some great new things for us. For instance, we just opened a good bottle of scotch to take into battle.

BONUS: SOB CORY

As noted political scholar Bugs Bunny used to say, "What a maroon!"

The Shinola Hits the Fanhola

In a later statement, the President clarified that he "loves savages. Great, great people."

Donald Trump sparked eye-popping, vein-bulging outrage from liberals (that's actually an opening phrase we're programming into our computer to save keystrokes for the next 3-7 years) by allegedly asking, in a meeting about special immigration protections for certain populations, "why do we want people from shithole countries?"

Because the reference was to Haiti and various African nations, the President was immediately accused of blatant, foam-at-the-mouth, KKK-style racism. An accusation which filled the news cycles and distracted from the real question: why do we want people from shithole countries?

Is our immigration policy intended to make America better (or at least no worse), or simply to give shelter and haven - and taxpayer-funded benefits - to those who currently live someplace worse than the United States? Which pretty much means every man, woman, and child on Earth, making such a goal impossible in the long run and societally suicidal in the immediate run.

We're tired of the argument that it's necessary to bring in the unskilled and uneducated to do the jobs "Americans won't do," and think we should revamp our current entitlement programs to make it clear to the able-bodied who simple prefer not to work that it's no longer an option.

We'll admit that the President might have spoken more tactfully about Haiti, but his question was a good one. Why should we import people from an island that can't do anything right, when we already have an island that can't do anything right...

The Aloha State of panic.

On Saturday, palm trees swayed in tropical breezes, warm surf washed pristine beaches, and tourists in Hawaii wept, screamed, cowered in fear, and stuffed their children into storm drains because of an "oopsy" alert (delivered to phones, radio stations, and wailing sirens) saying the island paradise was about to be vaporized by incoming nuclear missiles.

We single out "tourists" as being terrified rather than actual citizens of Hawaii, because those who have lived there for longer than a week already know the Aloha State's ill-kept secret: local government officials screw up pretty much everything they touch, so the odds of a false alarm were (as Trump might say) yuge.

We have plenty of personal experience with Hawaii from which to draw this conclusion. The state, which is almost psychedelically beautiful, has several factors working against it. The first is that it's essentially a jungle, with rainwater, vines, lizards, and highly aggressive insect colonies attacking every manmade bit of infrastructure on a non-stop basis.

The second is that all government functions are run by aloha-shirted Democrats and can't-be-fired civil servants, all of whom have a uniquely Hawaiian year-around "Spring fever" which keeps them from really committing to work when the weather is nice. As in, "daily."

While overt public terror is nothing to laugh at, except from the mainland, things could have been a lot worse: imagine what was going through the minds of our military personnel who were wondering if they should quickly launch a counterattack before going out in a Slim Pickens-style blaze of glory.

Theoretically, all of this was caused by one person "pushing the wrong button." Arguably the worst mistake made by a Hawaiian government official since Department of Health official Loretta Fuddy stated that she (and she alone) had looked at Obama's birth certificate and sent him a copy.

Shortly after which, she became the only fatality in a plane crash. Oopsy.

BONUS: A MAJOR AWARD!

We just found out that we nailed the #1 and #2 spots in the 2017 cartoon competition over at The Right Reasons.net!  Check it out (at the link) to see all the top finalists.

Just being included with so many talented cartoonists is a real honor, and let us express our thanks to Pookie18 (who handles the competition) and everyone who voted!

BONUS TWO: MARTIN LUTHER KING DAZE

The bad news is that even the NAACP no longer values the important contributions and directions of Martin Luther King Jr.

The good news is that Dr. King's vision has brought us far enough that the NAACP is now hopelessly outdated and should be disbanded.

Book Him!

If you like it, you can keep it.

Taking a note from our Islamic friends, liberals are suddenly stampeding to buy prayer rugs upon which they can eventually kneel in the direction of their new Mecca: The Barack Obama Presidential Library. And considering that it will be in Chicago, kneeling might be a good idea just to help avoid being hit by errant gunfire.

Plans for the great man's edifice complex were recently unveiled, much to the dismay of those with taste or a desire to see $1 billion dollars spent less idiotically.

Architecturally speaking, the main building honors the former president by being completely incomprehensible. A judgment which is especially true considering that much of the building's top will be covered by giant carved letters which, much like the word salads so often presented by the former lecturer-in-chief, don't actually seem to mean anything.

Don't believe us? Click on the image above for a closer look. Personally, the only actual word we could make out is "SMUT" repeated multiple times (check out the top line). Although in fairness, if Obama's library has a section dedicated to smut, this makes perfect sense.

And he just might, because there's one thing which won't be in the Obama Library: actual historic paper documents - theoretically the only reason for building a presidential library in the first place.

Not that there won't still be plenty of keen stuff for visitors to enjoy! A special area of the library will commemorate Barack Obama's important civil rights work (honest) which, as far as we can recall, consisted mostly of denigrating cops and watching approvingly as various American cities burned for no particular reason.

Other actual attractions will include a basketball court, about which we should probably say nothing (though we'll roll our eyes), a yoga studio ("Now bow to the Emperor...lower, lower! Great! Now let's lead from our behinds!"), and a test kitchen where people can learn about preparing nutritious meals the same way Michelle did: using wholesome ingredients plucked fresh from the garden by inner city children, then hand-delivered to a phalanx of taxpayer-funded professional chefs.

While this is all we know about the official plans, unofficially we have a lot of suggestions for things which really need to be on display. For starters, how about the Reverend Jeremiah Wright's chicken roost? And who wouldn't like to get a souvenir picture taken in the VW Van that hosted so many gatherings of Obama's Hawaiian "Choom Gang?"

A replica of radical bomb-maker Bill Ayres' living room, where Barry got his political start, would surely be popular. As would be a replica of the White House bed where the former president slept blissfully with a "Do Not Disturb" sign on his door while our embassy in Benghazi burned.

We'd like to see the styrofoam Greek columns that Obama's roadies carried from stadium to stadium across Europe during his "blame America tour." Or even one shovel that was actually soiled while working on a shovel-ready job. And how about taking a selfie while standing on one of the pallets used to deliver $400 million in ransom money to the terror-spreading mullahs of Iran?

Somewhat less likely is a display of the thousands of Hope n' Change cartoons which accurately charted the former president's two dismal terms in office. However, if we get an invitation we'll not only enthusiastically cooperate, we'll even arrange for Busty Ross to do the ribbon cutting ceremony!

But back to what passes for reality...

Construction work on the billion dollar complex will be directed mainly to minority-owned firms because #BlackBottomLinesMatter. To date no announcement has been made about the racial preference of firms which will subsequently be hired to repair the initial work.

Finally, when the complex opens, there will be a stiff admission charge (on top of a parking charge) for those who want to see the "good parts" of the library (with all funds going to the Obama Foundation). But in an unusual display of beneficence the library's board has decided that ordinary Americans can walk up to the top floor and look out the windows for free. Oh, boy!

Or at least they can if those windows are one helluva lot more transparent than Barack Hussein Obama ever was.