Hearts and Foolers

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! We think that on this most special of Hallmark holidays, we should share a specially themed "Earwigs" which we're pretty sure Hallmark wouldn't touch with a ten foot, heart-adorned pole...

BONUS: ROGUES GALLERY

Oh, you just knew we had to share our take on the preposterous new portraits of Barry and Michelle. And we've got to admit that we're having a grand time watching effete Leftists struggling to explain why these alleged works of art are swoon-worthy.

Barry's is hilariously surreal and lacks only a unicorn to properly depict the self-obsessed fantasy world he lived in. Seriously, it practically screams "this man has no contact with reality."

We do, however, like the fact that the vines are already growing over his legs - giving us hope that he will eventually disappear entirely.

Coming soon to a "choom gang" van near you.

Michelle's portrait is just flat out, laughably hideous and deserves a non-traditional display.

Bonus! You can chill your groceries with her cold glare!

Although it wasn't our intent, we actually improved her wretched portrait by adding the colorful crayon illustrations. The actual painting looks like the work of a not-very-talented school kid who still got a C+ for "trying very, very hard."

The portrait is astonishingly amateurish, lifeless, and flat - although we actually agree with the artist's decision to give Michelle's painting no background. After all, what background did we ever get on the woman herself, other than that she had no pride in America until Obama elbowed his way into our national nightmares and, per her laughably self-centered university "thesis," that she just plain doesn't like white folks.

Perhaps it's just the influence of Valentine's Day, but we actually find our hearts warmed by these ghastly portraits...because they're exactly what the subjects deserved.

One Rink To Rule Them All

As you're likely aware, America (and Americans) won a Winter Olympics gold medal when our own Busty Ross recently took to the ice in South Korea!

Judges in the figure skating event were initially uncertain about Busty's bold choice of music for her routine ("America, F*ck Yeah" from the movie "Team America") but were eventually won over by the fact that when it comes to figure skating, well, nobody else has a figure like Busty's.

Following her overwhelming win, Busty declared "this gold medal is not for me. It's for the people of America, for our brave men and women in the military, and especially for my friends back at Stilton's Place, without whose support I could never have come this far."

Charming humility from a woman who deserves the thanks of a grateful nation.

BONUS: MARCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING

Last week, President Trump instructed his staff to prepare plans for a huge military parade which pretty much everyone thinks is a terrible idea.

And granted, spending untold millions of dollars to roll tanks and missiles down our city streets seems like a poor use of resources and a highly questionable public relations move.

But what if we could find ways to make such a parade more enjoyable?

Along with displays of jets, tanks, killer drones, and nuclear missiles, what if the parade included giant, comical helium balloons of Kim Jung Un, Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, Vladimir Putin, and other characters from popular journalistic fiction?

A Congressional float from which elected representatives tossed money to the crowds would surely play well, and not differ significantly from what those representatives would be doing otherwise.

In the interest of equal time, Democrats should be able to provide some floats showing off their accomplishments...assuming anyone wants to see a pajama boy float, a waving group of illegal aliens, brightly-painted gender-confused individuals with feathers and sequins adorning their genitals, a gigantic dumpster containing a year's worth of tiny corpses from Planned Parenthood, and of course a covey of black Americans being led down the street wearing the chains of the Democrat plantation.

We also think the public might enjoy the spectacle of a herd of GOP elephants marching at the rear of the parade - followed by mainstream "journalists" with shovels and garbage cans to clean up the droppings.

Failing all of that, we suggest that the funds for the parade be put entirely into reforms at our Veterans' hospitals...and let the actual parade consist entirely of those bureaucrats who have failed our wounded warriors as they're marched off to jail.

AND FINALLY...

Please, please, please let us see some market recovery this week.

Poker Face

Senate Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi just set an official record by flapping her yap for over 8 hours (and 2 adult diapers) on the subject of why legal citizens should get nothing in the budget if illegal aliens aren't allowed - indeed, encouraged - to remain in our country.

In fairness, the majority of those illegals work hard during their annual, back-breaking harvest of taxpayer-funded entitlements. And let's not forget that you can't be a Dreamer without taking time for siestas.

It is thought by some that Ms. Pelosi chose to speak so long in order to quell growing rumors that she is suffering from senile dementia. It is thought by others that her remarks ran so long because she kept forgetting her place in what should have been a 20 minute speech and kept starting over again.

All we know is that Nancy has, once again, set a record which will always be enshrined in the hallowed annals of the STFU.

BONUS: LAST TANGO IN PRYOR

To be clear on the subject, Stilton's Place is still Gay friendly and relatively non-judgmental about relationships between consenting adults in which no one gets hurt. Unless, of course, that's what turns them on.

Still, the news that groundbreaking comedian Richard Pryor and mumbling blob Marlon Brando were lovers is just a little more than we can take without reaching for a stiff drink and then immediately regretting our use of the word "stiff." Also, remembering Brando's "Last Tango in Paris," we don't expect to be using butter again for a long, long time.

What bothers us isn't so much their proclivities, which are none of our business, but rather that hearing Pryor and Brando's names jammed together in this context puts specific images in our head that we don't want to have. In much the same way that we don't really want to imagine the bedroom bliss of entirely heterosexual luminaries like Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman.

Then again, maybe we're just upset because the damn stock market is still plunging,  so we're more than a little sensitive about any subject related to taking it up the poop chute.