Un-sacred Cow

Okay, this won't go down in the annals of Stilton's Place as our wittiest punchline - but it's the best we could do without actually invoking language which would make a Tourette's patient blush or get us a visit from the Secret Service.

Because we didn't make up the horrible, anti-American crap Hillary is spewing in the panels above. In India to promote her book "What Happened," Russia's favorite uranium saleswoman launched into this tirade to describe the millions of troglodytes who voted for Trump as hateful, misogynistic racists who would actually have to improve to be Deplorables.

If this horrible woman had won the presidency, it seems very likely that every person who visits Stilton's Place would now be in either an internment camp (the lucky ones) or a cemetery (those who committed Arkancide). Because to paraphrase Sally Field, she "really, really hates us."

And frankly, Hillary, the feeling is mutual.

BONUS: STAIRWAY TO LEAVENWORTH

Fortunately, the Secret Cervix was on the scene.

While in India, an allegedly sober Hillary Clinton took roughly her millionth spill while trying to stumble down a simple flight of steps.

Despite her painful, legs-akimbo, "the baby is coming NOW!" position, medical experts have confidence that her vagina will be completely recovered should it decide to run for office again in 2020.

False Idle

Reaffirming what we already knew about the mainstream media's fawning worship of all things Obama, former New York Times editor Jill Abramson has revealed that she keeps a Barack Obama doll in her purse to handle during times of stress.

"Some people find this strange," Abramson admitted in a rare moment of mental clarity, "but you have to take comfort where you find it in Donald Trump's America."

In other words, not from reduced taxes, business and consumer optimism, and astounding job growth.

KIM CHEESE

Donald Trump left pretty much everyone dumbstruck last week when he agreed to meet with North Korea's leader, Kim Jung Un, to discuss the possible denuclearization of the nasty little dictatorship.  This was especially surprising considering Trump's strong posture in the face of the rogue nation, and his calling Kim Jung Un every insulting playground nickname in the book.

Hilariously, serial liar and Obama insider (but we repeat ourselves) Susan Rice immediately came forward to suggest that, prior to the meeting, Trump avail himself of the "expertise" which informed the Obama administration.

You know, the expertise that went into Obama's feckless (and fecked up) policy of watching North Korea build increasingly powerful nukes, and ignoring the tiny nation's provocative tests of larger and larger missiles (including one shot in the direction of Hawaii on the 4th of July).

Here at Stilton's Place, we hope that Trump's meeting with Kim will be a complete success, and make the world a little safer.

We also hope that Trump will poke a finger into Kim's tummy to see if he laughs like the Pillsbury Dough Boy.

MANY-HAHA

We'd TP her home, only it would be redundant.

Senator Elizabeth "Princess Running Gag" Warren has again refused to take a DNA test to settle the issue of whether or not she has an iota of Native American blood in her increasingly visible veins.

Warren insists that she has never benefitted from her claims of Native American heritage, although many believe it helped her land a cushy instructor's job at Harvard Law School. Perhaps because the school subsequently boasted about their newfound racial diversity thanks to adding this near-albino "woman of color" to their faculty.

Although Warren continues to treat her racial heritage as a mystery, she's being fairly transparent about her ambition to possibly run for the presidency (there are rumors that her "Redskin in the White House 2020" bumper stickers have already been printed).

But considering her ludicrous claims of Native American ancestry, we think she should have a reservation or two.

McDonalds Happy Male

We don't even want to think about the "special sauce."

Yesterday was International Women's Day, which is a perfectly good thing considering how many countries treat their women like livestock, and their livestock like women (you do not want to be a goat in the middle east).

That being said, we found McDonalds' attempt to honor the day more than a little odd, per the cartoon above. Theoretically, the inverted arches form a "W" for "women," but those of a certain mind set (not necessarily a healthy or wholesome mind set) may see it differently. A perspective only encouraged by McDonalds' newest slogan, "I'm lovin' it." Yeah, we'll bet you are!

Still, we don't want to be spoilsports, so we'll acknowledge that McDonalds deserves at least a little credit for giving women the world over a reassuring pat on their sesame seed buns.

A BAD CASE OF THE DSTs

This weekend it's time again to play the "Spring Forward, Fall Backward" game and change all of your clocks so that, in case you somehow managed to avoid getting gutted by this year's flu season, you can still experience a week's worth of exhaustion, nausea, and malaise.

At least, that's how it hits us - and it doesn't matter if it's Spring or Fall (we honestly don't understand the whole forward/backward thing), we always lose an hour or more of sleep and feel like crud for about three weeks.

Still we're sure our sacrifice is worth it to accomplish whatever the hell Daylight Saving Time is supposed to be accomplishing, like giving kids more light to glare at their school buses, or giving farmers an extra hour to try to wake their roosters, or cutting down on prostitution by turning on the street lights later.

Actually, we're not sure what the logic is behind this mess except to sell more coffee. And frankly, Daylight Saving Time, we don't give a damn.