Book Worm

Disgraced former FBI director and serial-leaker James Comey is about to have his face plastered all over our nation's television screens as he kicks off a tour to pimp...uh, promote...his new tell-all book, "A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies and Leadership."

The book will be filled with the insights of a man who couldn't find dirt on Hillary.  Just let that sink in for a moment and be filled with a sense of awe regarding the sheer size of this man's ineptitude. Although we may be doing him a disservice - we don't actually doubt his ability to detect criminal activity, we just don't like it when he ignores such (in Hillary's case) or invents such (in Trump's case).

Comey has already recorded a lengthy interview with longtime Clinton shill George Stephanopoulos in which he allegedly compared the President to a "mob boss." Which either means that Comey's book will contain evidence of Trump's drug dealing, contract murders, and profligate distribution of severed horse heads, or that Comey is simply flinging whatever insults he thinks will sell books to the rubes in Progressive-land.

The mainstream media is looking to Comey's literary cash-grab to be approximately the 544th thing that will "finally bring down Donald Trump." We disagree. The greater likelihood is that while making the rounds of lectures, interviews, and book-signings Comey will get himself into serious trouble by making statements which conflict with his previous testimony about his own wrongdoings.

After which he can eventually release a new book: "A Higher Bunk: Memories of Prison Life."

FROM THE VAULT (6/9/17)

Comey's mind is like a steel trap; everything that goes in gets mangled.

BONUS: FRIDAY THE 13TH

Just a reminder from our good friend Johnny Optimism that you might as well go ahead and live your life as usual today; bad luck can strike wherever you are.

But that being said, we'd advise against doing anything risky to actually tempt fate. For instance, this would be a very bad day to mail your tax returns. You've been warned.

The Fast and the Furriest

Look! A squirrel!

Once again, we're sharing nearly random punchlines rather than delving deeply into the news. But here are a few bullet points (oops, we should have issued a trigger warning!) about some things which are driving us to drink today:

• Why in blazes has Donald Trump's personal lawyer been raided when Hillary was able to keep a thumbdrive with secret emails - emails rightfully belonging to the State Department - in her attorney's safe?!

• We'd like to see Trump's legal team file a sexual harassment suit against Stormy Daniels. Traditionally in these situations, even consensual sex can be categorized as harassment if there is an "imbalance of power" between the parties. While everyone assumes that it was Trump who had the power, we'd like to suggest that in certain circumstances it is women (especially ones who are attractive, are famous for being gymnastically good at sex, and who have huge tracts of land) who actually wield the power. If Trump was seduced, isn't he the victim here?

• Iran has announced that they can be back up to full speed making nukes in just 4 days, because they never actually dismantled the capability after negotiating their big agreement (ha!) with Obama. And, oh yeah, received billions of dollars in mad money as a reward. Theoretically, this peace agreement was Obama's biggest accomplishment in office...so isn't it odd that we're not hearing more about it being a total sham which ups the odds of a nuclear conflagration?

Maybe it wasn't such a great idea to let Iran do their own inspections and verification, huh?

• Speaking of Barry's life-threatening foreign policy screw-ups, it now seems likely that Syria committed yet another chemical weapons attack using prohibited materials which "Red Line" Obama assured the world Syria didn't have anymore, because Barry's buddy Vladimir Putin removed them all (wink-wink). The situation in Syria is wildly complicated, but one thing is entirely clear: hastily awarded affirmative action Nobel Peace Prizes don't actually contribute to world peace.

Sheesh.

What the Hail?!

The cartoon above isn't so much a joke as an accurate depiction of what happened at stately Jarlsberg Mansion last Friday.

In other parts of the country, Spring may be heralded by crocuses blooming and robins appearing. But here in Texas, it's not officially Spring until the tornado warning sirens go off.

Happily we did not get hit by an actual tornado, but we still had some excitement when our home was barraged with the largest hail we've ever personally laid our eyes on...

In the picture above, the image on the left was a hole in the storm clouds rotating ominously right over our house. To fully appreciate the butt-cranching nature of this image, you should imagine the sound of the aforementioned sirens (and an echoing amplified voice repeating "tornado! tornado!") and imagine the great feeling of knowing that you don't have a basement to hide in.

Seriously, basements simply aren't a thing you can have here. Builders claim it's because the clay soils expand and contract too much, but we think it's more of a Texas attitude thing: who but a pussy hat-wearing milquetoast needs to hide from weather when you can just face it down John Wayne-style?

Shortly after the swirling picture was taken, the sky decided to go ahead and kill anyone stupid enough to still be standing in their yard. See those hailstones? They're big, but they were even bigger when they first hurtled out of the sky and started destroying whatever they hit. Trust us, when these things are still falling you do not want to run out into the yard to gather souvenirs.

We think we got off pretty lucky: we had a skylight shattered by a direct hit, and we may or may not need the roof re-shingled (we're waiting for an inspection). But on the plus side, we got free sky ice to put in our scotch.

BONUS: THE SHIRT HITS THE FANS

At one time or another, we've all asked ourselves the same question: "How can I quickly offend others without time-wasting conversation?"

The answer is here, courtesy of our all-new, Amazon-exclusive Johnny Optimism t-shirt! Available in a rainbow of colors (assuming that the rainbow only has 5 colors and one of them is black) and both men's and women's styles (not that we mean to be binary gender normative), Johnny's bittersweet sense of carpe diem is sure to put a smile on the face of anyone who should probably be both medicated and supervised.

Besides being a handsome addition to your wardrobe, the t-shirt is also a perfect gift for anyone who you'd like to render speechless or a lovely "get well" present for anyone who hasn't picked up on your previous passive-aggressive remarks.

So now that we've got Johnny in the marketplace, what should come next? Anyone up for a Stilton's Place shirt? How about a patriotic design featuring Busty Ross?

Seriously, this isn't about making money so much as just having a little fun (hey, if we were smart about business, this wouldn't be a free site).

To order a shirt, just click on one of the links above - or do an Amazon search for "Johnny Optimism." Even if you're not buying, it will be fun to confuse Amazon's algorithms!