Our Motto: Be Repaired

Yes, it's true...the "boy part" has been cut from the Boy Scout program, and the members (so to speak) will only be referred to as genderless scouts.

The change is due to the fact that the organization now allows girls (and middle-aged men who identify as girls) to join in the campfire-building, merit badge-earning, marshmallow-toasting fun and therefore didn't want a repugnant, divisive, gender specific name like that still used by those sex Nazi's in the "Girl Scouts."

Technically, the official name of the program will be Scout BSA, so the word "boy" is still hidden in there, but much like the word "colored" which lurks in the name of the NAACP, we're all supposed to pretend that it doesn't exist.

Sadly, the real story is that not enough kids are interested in being any kind of scouts these days which is why the Boy Scouts are trying to steal as much of the Girl Scout membership as possible.

But even though we understand the rationale, we're sorry to see yet another traditional bit of masculinity bite the dust. Especially since when it comes to "social justice," even when huge accommodations are made, someone will always want s'more.

INFECTIOUS PERSONALITY

Michelle Obama recently referred to herself as our "Forever First Lady," apparently under the mistaken belief that, like the "Highlander" legend, she becomes stronger and more powerful each time another First Lady dies.

We're pretty sure the system doesn't really work like that, although if we see Hillary and Michelle charging at each other with broadswords we'll have to reexamine our beliefs.

HAPPY CULTURAL APPROPRIATION DAY!

Saturday is Cinco de Mayo - a very, very important holiday which celebrates half-priced margaritas, pressing "1" for English, and the complete loss of entry level jobs for actual Americans. Drink up!

Black and White and Read All Over

We feel somewhat guilty about not discussing politics much here lately - especially since we're about to do it to you again. But here's at least a few things off the top of our head (as our long-departed hair used to say):

• We watched Michelle Wolf's "comedic" performance at the White House correspondents dinner and were vastly unimpressed. She said a lot of nasty things, but we think any actual hubbub about her performance is a waste of time because it wasn't important. And we weren't offended by her despicable ideology so much as we were offended by the fact that she wasn't very funny.  If we're wildly generous, maybe 20% of her jokes landed. The rest just flopped around on the floor and died in painful silence.

• Regarding the leaked questions Mueller wants to ask Trump, we have no idea if they were leaked by underlings of Mueller or Trump (though it's got to be one or the other). Either way, the questions reflect the preposterous nature of this "investigation." As Dorothy Parker (who, unlike Michelle Wolf, was both acerbic and hilarious) once observed, "there's no there there."

• What? Iran was lying about being in full compliance with the nuclear agreement so carefully crafted by Barack Obama?! We are shocked. Shocked.

• We still think Kanye West is a talentless idiot, but concede that he is an enormously influential one. For that reason, the fact that he's retweeting quotes from the brilliant conservative Thomas Sowell gives us a flicker of hope that a few minds may be opened to the reality of the Democrats' new plantation.

And now, let's get on with a little comedy! While tidying our office yesterday, we discovered an old and forgotten cache of Earwigs cartoons (albeit with only one caption each) which exist only on aging paper. As an act of historical preservation, we scanned them, and are sharing a few here:

Take Two Pillows and Call Me in the Morning

"Try not eating pea soup before bed."

If today's cartoon seems even more baffling than usual, it's because it's not so much a witty commentary on contemporary life as a declaration of the fact that our own extremities (whom we have always treated with love and kindness) have recently decided to try murdering us in our sleep.

Seriously, over the last couple of weeks our sleep has become increasingly disturbed by periods in which our legs start spontaneously doing midnight calisthenics and high-kicking like Rockettes as we groggily look on and wonder "WTF?" This was happening several times a night.

Which is why we positioned a motion-detecting night vision camera to record video of us sleeping, a move to which our limbs clearly took exception. Because we've now not only got creepy infrared footage of our legs being possessed by Mr. Bojangles, but also a harrowing bit of video in which one arm pops upward in the dark, freezes while making a Bela Lugosi-style gesture at our face, then proceeds to start smacking us repeatedly.

And no, you can't see the video. But it's awesome and looks like it belongs in a "found footage" horror movie.

We'll be talking to our doctor about it tomorrow, but right now the smart money is on a condition called PLMD - Periodic Leg Movement Disorder. It's apparently an idiopathic condition, "idiopathic" being what doctors like to say rather than "I have no idea what's going on, but damned if I'm not going to bill you for something." And outside of causing severe sleep disruption, the condition is thought to be harmless. Unless, of course, your hand has hidden a meat-tenderizing mallet in the nightstand.

PLMD is thought to be related in some unknown way to RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome), a condition which occurs when people are awake and move their legs continuously to try to shake off the feeling that they're being bitten by millions of ants. This is also idiopathic, unless the victim happens to have a mattress teeming with actual hungry bed bugs and doesn't need a prescription so much as a can of Raid.

We're currently assuming that this weirdness is just a temporary condition related to the strong medicines we were taking for diverticulitis (all better now!) which came with such a long list of potential side effects that we bailed out after "...headache, nausea, bloody diarrhea, skin lesions, blindness, mutated offspring..." and didn't read down to the part that probably mentioned demonic possession.

We're not really worried, but if posts in the coming days seem a bit sleep-deprived you'll now know why. And if this blog suddenly starts spouting liberal dogma, by all means call in an exorcist. It means the hand has won...

Saved by the CPAP! The suspect is described as arm and dangerous.