Playing the Brace Card

During our restorative week off, there was certainly no lack of interesting news. Topping the list were the continuing revelations that our nation's corrupt, out-of-control intelligence agencies were pretty much all involved in a deep and dirty conspiracy to keep Donald Trump from being elected, and that the swamp dwellers didn't really worry about getting caught because they assumed the Queen of the Swamp would soon be President and would quietly bury their misdeeds as tidily as she'd buried Vince Foster and Seth Rich.

But just who the hell was this woman these agencies were trying to put in charge? The mysteries around Hillary only continue to grow...

Recently, people have been wondering why Mrs. Clinton is showing up for hot weather events wearing thick pantsuits, coats, and an omnipresent scarf which occasionally blows aside to reveal some sort of odd structure under her clothing. Odder, even, than her actual body.

The speculation is that it's a back brace...but from what circumstance, and why would she hide it? Then again, Hillary wasn't exactly forthcoming about her post-Benghazi brain trauma and loss of memory, her use of prismatic glasses, her recent need for a therapeutic boot, or having her arm in a cast after taking an alleged slip (or sip?) in the bathtub.

Oh sure, she could just be coquettish about the fact that her aging body is falling apart, but we can't help but wonder if it's something more sinister than that. What if Hillary is being rebuilt, piece by piece, to become a cyborg capable of being a shrill and annoying presence in future elections for the rest of eternity?!

Oh sure, it seems far-fetched, but this week we also saw the Left-leaning media celebrating when they thought North Korea wouldn't negotiate on nuclear disarmament, and top Democrats celebrating the beautiful "spark of divinity" in the bosom of every vicious MS-13 killer and rapist.

Is Robo-Hillary harder to believe than that? We think not.

KEYNOTE UNDRESS

Some stories are just too dumb for us to ignore. As a case in point, West Hollywood just presented their "Key to the City" to porn actress Stormy Daniels for her great community service in screwing married men and violating non-disclosure agreements.

Of course, that's not what they said she was being honored for. Rather, it was for her tremendous leadership in the "resist" movement (even though she didn't "resist" and never has unless she was worried that the check wouldn't clear) and for "speaking truth to power," which makes us wonder what the hell "truth" they're talking about. This is hardly a Wikileaks type situation, although Ms. Daniels should get full credit for kicking off the new phenomenon of Dikileaks.

We'd say more, but we have a sudden urge to go register a new domain name.

LAST...BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY

Today is Memorial Day. A special day of remembrance and appreciation for the countless men and women who have given their lives in the service of our country.

Their sacrifice deserves much more than the petty political bickering which cheapens our national discourse and casts a shadow over our values. In memory of these heroes, let us all try to be of service to our country and countrymen, in ways both big and small.

It's an important way to say "thank you" on this day...and every other.

Ketchup Week

"Honey! I'm gonna need another bottle!"

We're taking the week off to play catch up (and to give you a break from what would otherwise have been a week of health complaints related to getting old and/or random Earwig cartoons).

Of course, if something really exciting happens in the news ("Hillary Arrested - Not Likely To See Daylight Ever Again") we'll jump back into the mix and will notify everyone on the email list that there's fresh non-condiment content here.

Otherwise, we'll see you here next Monday...or in the comments section, which is always open for business as usual!    -Stilton

PS:

We got there early Saturday morning to avoid crowds, then no one else showed up.
Frankly, we don't see why this was supposed to be such a big deal.

No Good Deed...

As the saying goes, "no good deed goes unpunished," and this is especially true if your good deed is allowing someone to run a periscope up your rear end just to help them add a few new specimens to their polyp collection.

But such was the case yesterday when Mrs. Jarlsberg went in for a colonoscopy, which is usually no big deal apart from the rectal fireworks involved in the "prep" for the procedure. Notice that the key word in that sentence was "usually," which should have been your foreshadowing that things did not go spiffingly for Mrs. J.

Apparently, due to an unusual occurrence that happens "only once or twice a year" according to a medical professional in a crisp white uniform who absolutely, positively wasn't just trying to fend off a lawsuit, while knocked cold for the procedure Mrs. J developed a case of upchuck-itis and thus aspirated nasty body fluids directly into her lungs. Which is why, only hours after returning home, she was having bone-wracking chills and spiking a fever. An eventuality which, according to a piece of paper we'd been given (it proved impossible to actually speak to a human on the doctor's staff), meant you should head to the emergency room with all due haste.

To make an incredibly long story slightly shorter, in the ER she was diagnosed with pneumonia, plugged into various bags of fluid, and checked in to the hospital for a 24 hour observation. And it's worth mentioning before she say anything else that she's doing well, and there's currently no reason to think she won't be coming home to castle Jarlsberg today (Friday). Yay!

Of course, we don't want to make the story so short that we can't pause to complain about how mind-numbingly slow the process of being admitted to the hospital is. Apparently the drill consists of speaking to someone in scrubs and giving them your entire life history and medical history, then telling them why you're in their Emergency Room. Upon completion of this process, a different person takes the place of the first, and asks all the same questions. This repeats approximately five times, which really ceases to be amusing when you're feeling like crap, after which you get to speak to an actual doctor. Albeit one with a nearly indecipherable third world accent.

Among the questions repeatedly asked:

• Are you a smoker? Have you ever smoked? Have you been around smokers?
• Do you prefer to learn by reading or listening? (We swear this is a real question)
• Do you use recreational drugs? (No, silly, we abuse recreational drugs)
• Is there any chance, Mrs. AARP Medicare Insurance, that you're pregnant? (In fairness, the nurse probably only asked this because of your narrator's obvious testosterone-drenched  masculinity.)

Surprisingly, we were not asked whether we heard "Laurel" or "Yanny," although if we had been we would have answered "Laurel, and anyone who says otherwise is full of sh*t."

Soooo, it's been a long and pretty crappy day. Mrs. J will surely be fine (she's the strong one in this family), but all positive thoughts, prayers, and good vibes are much appreciated. As will be any generous cash donations to organizations which oppose butt exploration.

Also, please don't tell her we wrote an entire blog post about her colonoscopy. She'll kill us when she gets home - but we'll die with a relieved smile on our face.

BY THE WAY...