Monkey Business

Following the brouhaha about Valerie Jarrett and "The Planet of the Apes," we thought it was a good idea to run a quick experiment to see what was and wasn't still acceptable in the world of political mockery. For this reason, we quickly whipped up the above comparison to Nancy Pelosi and a random baby monkey who would probably make better policy decisions.

The results amazed us: not only did we NOT get sent to Facebook jail (yet), but at last count the picture had been shared with 687,211 people. A number which is all the more humbling when you think that if each one of those people sent us only a dollar, we could be having a way better Monday than we're actually having...and one which would probably involve popping champagne corks and a number of hilariously rude phone calls to people who annoy us in everyday life.

But no, Facebook glory neither lasts nor pays...but it was still fun to see such a silly post catch on fire for a bit, especially since it emitted the scorched scent of burning liberal fur.

And for the eagle-eyed among you, yes, our Facebook page is still called "Hope n' Change" though we're now trying to change it to "Stilton's Place," if only to better screw with Facebook's algorithms.

I Beg Your Pardon / The Unkindest Crack

President Trump issued a tweet yesterday which commendably did not mention apes or monkeys in any form, but which instead announced his intention to issue a pardon to the brilliant conservative thinker, writer, and commentator Dinesh D'Souza.

D'Souza (who is believed by many to be the great-grandson of patriotic "March King" John Philip D'Souza) had previously been found guilty in 2012 of contributing too much money (over $10,000) to a candidate for Senate, using several proxies to sneak the money through the door. Was he guilty of wrongdoing? Totally. And unlike most Democrats, he had neither the guile to hide his crime tidily, or the ability to claim outright stupidity and have it seem plausible.

That being said, D'Souza was - to quote Trump's tweet - "treated very unfairly by our government." Specifically because they sentenced him to a $30,000 fine, 5 years of probation, 8 months in a halfway house, community service, and the loss of his ability to vote.

In similar cases involving Democrats, you don't see anything like those punishments. Or punishments at all. Of course, when Democrats are involved, you also don't tend to see such itty-bitty amounts of money involved.

No, when you want to illegally shove money into the pocket of some generic Democrat candiate whom, picking a name at random, we'll call "Hillary," your smarter election fraudsters will hire the candidate's husband to make a speech in a language no one in the audience understands about lunchbox safety, or ways to keep cigars moist, or international fiscal policy ("Get everyone to donate to the starving orphans of storm-wracked Haiti, then keep all the money and enjoy a dream vacation on Pedophile Island!") and pay him half a million dollars as a "speaking fee" which will conveniently end up paying campaign expenses.

No muss, no fuss, no criminal convictions, and no misadventures in the shower room of the halfway house (which raises the question: is it still a prison rape if things only go in halfway?)

In any event, we regret that D'Souza made such an idiotic choice (not a "mistake") in the first place, but we're glad that he is now receiving a well-deserved pardon. At least in part because it will really honk off Liberals again, which is always a great way to start the weekend!

BONUS: THE UNKINDEST CRACK (Caution: unavoidably R-rated!)

Literally one day after all the hoo-haw from the Left about it being totally unacceptable to even jokingly use derisory language to describe a woman or any other primate, alleged comedian Samantha Bee (whose show is the gynecologically named "Full Frontal") took to the airwaves to declare that  "Ivanka Trump is a feckless cunt."

And did Hollywood immediately lose its collective crap about this most unacceptable of sexually derisive obscenities?! It did not - because liberals believe that conservatives deserve every conceivable insult, no matter how foul or sexually charged.

For instance, withered miniature actress Sally Field, much beloved for her eons-ago role in TV's "The Flying Cunt" and the big screen "Forrest Cunt," tweeted "I like Samantha Bee a lot, but she is flat wrong to call Ivanka a cunt. Cunts are powerful, beautiful, nurturing and honest."

And of course, the Twitterverse went crazy, praising Ms. Field's wit and wisdom.

So if we're getting this straight (not that we mean to use a term which could seem homophobic or sexually binary), it's now a compliment to call a woman a cunt...and it only applies to progressive women?

The notion runs contrary to our upbringing and every fibre of our being...but thanks to women like Samantha Bee and Sally Fields, the idea is actually starting to grow on us.

Deja Virtue

If you found yourself having difficulty buying your overpriced addictive drug of choice yesterday, it was likely because 8000 Starbucks locations had closed for the day in order to help their employees learn not to be KKK-loving bigots who have trouble differentiating between a latte and a lynching.

Or at least, that's pretty much the implication when a major corporation feels the need to take (and promote) such drastic actions. They're practically screaming "Mea Culpa," although can't actually do so because using Latin in front of people who've had only a poor public education is also considered racist and non-egalitarian and sexist if a blond says "what?"

But in complete candor, we find much that is admirable about the training Starbucks is paying for. Not because it will do any more good than hanging up a sign with The Golden Rule in every location, but rather because we have such appreciation for the con-artists who are teaching the baristas how to deal with their unconscious bias. By definition, it will be impossible to see results - which is the tastiest scam we've heard since the idea of charging $7 for a cup of java.

The "unconscious racial bias" instructors might as well be charging each location $2000 to scare away invisible tigers. Can anyone prove their services aren't working? And is the web domain for InvisibleTigersBegone.com still available?

Of course, the real purpose of the training isn't to aid race relations. Rather, it's a very expensive bit of well publicized virtue signaling intended to showcase the idea that Starbucks is absolutely, positively, not racist when it comes to overcharging suckers for coffee.

At least, not consciously.

Carnies have feelings too, you bastards.

BONUS: ABC-ING YOU!

Well that didn't take long. ABC has abruptly cancelled the new "Roseanne" series owing to an allegedly racist tweet sent by the show's star.

The tweet in question suggested that Valerie Jarrett, Obama's Iranian-born puppet master, was the offspring of the "Muslim Brotherhood and the Planet of the Apes"...

Was it a stupid and tasteless joke? Sure. But was it really reason enough to cancel a successful TV series, especially with Barr quickly offering an apology? We don't think so.

Rather, we think ABC was relieved to be able to dump the show in part because it was successful. And they were further tickled to be able to slap the "racist" label on this "pro-Trump" show which wasn't so much pro-Trump (the show was still overwhelmingly liberal) as it was pro-working class. A class which the liberal Left doesn't really like to get noticed, as the plight of America's working families so clearly reflects the cruel impact of the Democrats' countless political failures.

Personally, we thought the show was okay-ish...and it was the only network show we'd watched in years. If Starbucks was running the network, we presume that Roseanne might have gotten scolded for unconscious racial bias instead of canned.

But then, that wouldn't allow ABC to label all of the show's fans and all of Trump's supporters as racists, would it?