The 5000 Fingers of President T

"And be careful with those Little Hands hats!"

Sea levels are rising dramatically owing to the outpouring of Liberal tears over the evil President T's continuing abduction of immigrant children as they cross America's southern border.

Once separated from their families, the weeping waifs are forced to pound out patriotic songs on the White House "500 Kid Piano" - every key of which was made with endangered elephant ivory - while President T waves his baton and screams that the children have to play "bigly" if they ever hope to see their parents again.

Okay, that's not really what Trump is doing, although it's as true as what you're likely to hear from the mainstream media these days. What we were describing was Dr. Seuss's fever dream of a kid's movie, "The 5000 Fingers of Dr. T," about which there are two cinematic schools of thought: those who think it's one of the greatest films ever, and those who wouldn't know a great film if it bit them in their piano bench region.

But returning (reluctantly) to reality, Leftists and other soft-headed types are having absolute conniption fits over President Trump's brand new policy of temporarily separating kids from their families when they enter the country illegally. And when we say "brand new policy," we mean exactly the same policy which has been law since champion-of-the-children Bill "Pedophile Island" Clinton was president. Certainly, Barack Obama made major use of the policy, albeit without a peep of complaint from the mainstream media.

The separations occur only after illegal border crossings (i.e. not when people come to an actual American port of entry and make a simple asylum claim) and are done in part to give social services time to ascertain whether the kids are actually traveling with a parent, or simply being dragged over the border by an MS-13 gang member who transports minors for sex trafficking.

Despite what cynical liars like Hillary Clinton say in their self-serving fundraising letters, the kids are not kept in cages, ripped from the arms of breastfeeding mothers, or mistreated in any way. And come to think of it, wasn't it Hillary F. Clinton who claimed, "it takes a village" (i.e. the government) to raise kids rather than actual parents?!

The "news" media and equally laughable social media are treating this as an ongoing repeat of the Holocaust (no, really - they've played that card) rather than the continuing implementation of decades' old policy. And among their favorite tools are memes showing pitiful children in cages, like this one:

The problem is that this photo is staged, and the poor kid is actually inside a cage because he was put there by a bunch of loudmouthed anti-border protesters (who are the other people carefully cropped out of the photo). 

We don't really want to add to the flood of fake news, but if the Left wants to make false claims about this picture, why shouldn't we make even better false claims...?

Seriously, wouldn't it be fun to see this go viral?

Feel free to post this meme anywhere it might offend or confuse a Leftist. And in the meanwhile, don't worry too much about what's happening to those unfortunate children whose parents are using them to skirt American law. As The Who once sang, the kids are alright.

The Nut Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

(Reprinted/updated from 2016)

Insanity doesn't run in our family. It gallops.

Let us close our eyes and ears to the usual insanity in the news, and instead take a moment to celebrate fathers on the day after Father's Day. Specifically my father, although I've never heard a bad word said about your father.

I lost my father 12 years ago, but plenty of colorful memories survive. He was a kind and gentle man, a great husband and father, and the most creative and funniest man I've ever known or hope to know.

He was a gifted writer, an award-winning painter, prolific cartoonist, part-time inventor (with multiple patents, including the one for the yo-yo seen with the bikini babe above), successful entrepreneur, and flamboyant cross-dresser. Okay, he wasn't actually that last one, although he was certainly willing to wear whatever Easter outfit he thought would give others a laugh.

Of the many gifts he bestowed, it is likely that this desire to make others laugh (and a delightfully skewed view of the world) is what has influenced me most. In every way imaginable, I'm my father's son and glad to be so.

So here's a big Stilton's Place cheer not just for my dad, but for all dads who invest their lives and love doing so much for their families.

Comey Over

The long-touted DOJ inspector general's report on James Comey's bizarre antics as FBI head was finally made public yesterday, and it's safe to say that it feels more than a little underwhelming.

Oh sure, it catalogs plenty of wrongdoing, but backs away from accusing Comey of intending to do harm...in much the same way Comey himself gave a ludicrous free pass to Hillary Clinton despite her demonstrable panoply of high and low crimes.

The report, which we admittedly haven't read in full owing to actually having A) a semblance of a life and B) no faith whatsoever in the DOJ, calls Comey's actions "extraordinary and insubordinate" - which sounds more like the title of a bad Matt Damon/Ben Affleck film than the final words Comey should hear as a cell door clangs shut behind him.

The report also mentions the desire of various FBI agents working on Hillary's case to "stop Trump," which sounds pretty darn politically motivated to us...but then, swamp dwellers seem to live by different rules.

Our takeaway is that the highly-politicized Comey and his crew destroyed the credibility of the FBI which isn't really a good thing for the rule of law in our nation. In fact, this inspector general's report mostly serves as another reminder that we are too often ruled by the lawless.

BONUS: HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, GOD

In a startling bit of research which definitively proves, once and for all, that "researching" is the easiest job on Earth, a composite picture of the face of God has been assembled based on the scientifically precise method of having 511 people look at mugshot-style faces and then choose the ones which most look like God. Presumably after the Almighty was being booked for something.

When a computer combined the selected sketches into a single image, it was revealed that many conservative Christians believe that God looks like Jimmy Fallon, while liberals saw God as being a bit younger, a bit more feminine, and a bit more likely to have a really long, detailed and annoyingly precise set of instructions to give the barista at Starbucks.

Frankly, we find the resulting image to be a little less than awe-inspiring. In fact, we think the only thing this pointless exercise proves is that people are spending a lot more time watching late night TV than reading the Bible.