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Today's edition of Stilton's Place is brought to you by Clan MacGregor Scotch ("So Inexpensive and Almost Drinkable") because we couldn't actually face the day's news without first knocking back enough of this stuff to get our sense of humor back...

"The Archduke of flammable liquids"

We're not even kidding about needing a healthy snort as we cracked our knuckles at the keyboard. And who can blame us with lead stories like this one...?

For a small additional price, you can add nitrous oxide!

Almost unbelievably in a world filled with genuine problems, the big story is apparently a Twitter feud between a former reality show host and a former reality show contestant, both of whom are showing themselves to be spectacularly low-class boobs.

As we understand it, a woman named Omarosa (named after the ranch where the Cartwrights lived in the TV series "Bonanza") was fired from the White House for multiple violations of security protocol, and is now trying to sell an autobiography by claiming that she heard (but can't prove) Trump say the dreaded n-word on a tape back when they were both entertainment media whores rather than political media whores.

Trump has responded with more of his infamous tweets, including this one: "When you give a crazed, crying lowlife a break, and give her a job at the White House, I guess it just didn't work out. Good work by General Kelly for quickly firing that dog!"

Omarosa is widely considered to be a pathological liar, but we can't honestly take any pleasure from a smackdown tweet which was too clearly written by an impulsive moron. (Note: views expressed while under the influence of alcohol may not represent the views of the management when cold sober, assuming that ever happens again).

Has Trump ever used the n-word in a bad way? We don't know and, frankly, we don't care just as long as his policies are fair to everyone (and so far, they seem to be). We hired Trump to get a very dirty job done, and were willing to overlook a lot of his (ahem) colorful qualities in the process. And we still feel that way.

Because the only other alternative was going to be more corruption dragging our country down. Corruption well represented by the subject of our next offering...

Disgraced FBI agent, wife-cheater, and all-around duplicitous a**hole Peter Strzok was recently fired from his position for a few minor infractions like completely stonewalling the Hillary Clinton investigation, and attempting a behind-the-scenes coups of President Donald Trump. All of which sounds like he should be dealing with a wall and a blindfold rather than the inconvenience of filing for unemployment benefits.

And he may not even be doing that, owing to a "Go Fund Me" campaign designed to slip greenbacks into the pocket of "a proud husband and father, a veteran of the US Army and counterintelligence Special Agent who spent more than two decades in a job he loved at the FBI."  Granted, it was time spent subverting justice and screwing the American people. But still, two decades is two decades. Or, according to the President, fourteen decades in Omarosa years.

Which is why Strzok's money grab has generated nearly $350,000 online at the time of this writing. Which isn't surprising. $5 from Bill in Seattle, $15 from Judy in Boston, $250,000 from Hillary in Chappaqua...it all adds up!

But even with the dreadful news stories above, we still pride ourselves on maintaining our glass half full attitude. Although at this very moment, our freaking glass is empty...so we need to splash a little more Clan MacGregor on the rocks. Or, if we're really ambitious, ice cubes.

Fake News and the Horse They Rode In On

You can expect to see a lot of editorials like the one shown above on Thursday, August 16 (not that they're hard to find any other day) when over 100 newspapers have announced plans to simultaneously publish editorials attacking President Trump for suggesting that they lack integrity and (ahem) independence of thought.

Specifically, they're sick of being called "fake news" just because they publish stories which aren't even remotely true, and additionally incensed that Trump has declared that news organizations which knowingly lie to America's voters are "enemies of the people" because they're attempting to (ahem) meddle in our theoretically sacred voting process.

In this case, we completely agree with Trump. Mind you, neither we nor Trump is saying that every reporter and/or news outlet is like that. But the majority? Well, sadly...yeah.

And while some Fake News really does depend on inventing outright falsehoods (like any story that mentions piss, prostitutes, and Putin), most of it consists of playing sleazy word games to suggest and insinuate things which sound plausible but aren't true at all.

Calling it "spin" may sound cute, but it won't keep you from throwing up if you're spun hard enough and long enough.

Which is why we're going to digress at this point (bear with us - this will take awhile) and share an idea we've had for a long time. One which we'd actually like to see put into place somehow.

As backstory, we'll note that we worked professionally in the advertising industry for decades, and learned a lot about how to make anything - even a product's shortcomings - sound good. All without lying, but with careful word choices to suggest and insinuate. And of course the process works equally well in the other direction - you can make something great sound absolutely awful without lying as long as you're good at spin and misdirection.

First, let's make something bad sound good. How about "circus peanuts" - those bizarre, chalky foam candies that are shaped like a giant peanut, but colored orange, and flavored with banana? They're horrible, right? But what if we told you - truthfully - that they're "more fun than the Barnum & Bailey circus," "99% natural," "super for quick energy," "a great choice for healthy eaters," and "may aid in weight loss?"

But what are the facts behind those implications?
• They're more fun than the circus because that circus has gone out of business.
• They're 99% natural because they're 99% sugar...and 1% toxic chemicals from Hell.
• "Super for quick energy" translates to giving you a blood sugar "spike," which you'll soon crash from.
• "A great choice for healthy eaters" because unhealthy eaters - or diabetics - could be killed outright by these suckers.
• "May aid in weight loss," or may not. Because "may" is a magic weasel word.

Turning good to bad without lying is just as easy. If Trump invented a cure for cancer, here's what the media might say:
• Trump drug to put thousands of specialists out of work.
• Social Security in financial turmoil as Trump drug causes millions to live longer than expected.
• Trump drug was tested on adorable animals who could have gone to petting zoos.
• Despite praise, Trump drug still does nothing to curb gun violence.

See how the game works? Which finally brings us to our actual idea: we'd like to design a class for school kids in which they learn all of this - how to recognize it ("circle the weasel words in this paragraph") and how to do it themselves ("Find 10 good things to say about a maggot infested wound"). Our goal would NOT be to create more and better liars, but rather to teach kids a new way to look at the information being crammed down their throats.

Mind you, adults could benefit from the same training, but we think more good could be accomplished by letting kids know the actual rules of the persuasion, dissuasion, and misrepresentation game as early as possible.

Because if they're going to live in a media-saturated world, their best defense against "fake news" is going to be real and conscientious skepticism.

Butt Weight, There's Moore!

As if there wasn't enough nail-biting uncertainty about the mid-term elections already, another potentially disruptive event has been announced: in September, documentarian Michael "Where's the craft service table?" Moore will be releasing his latest cinematic opus - an attack on Donald Trump entitled "Fahrenheit 11/9." Presumably because Michael still has thousands of old posters from his earlier film "Fahrenheit 9/11" and he figures he can get more use out of them with a Post-it note covering the only part of the title being changed.

Okay, actually he thinks he's being really clever comparing 11/9 (Trump's election date) to 9/11 (a world-changing assault on our nation). Which, frankly, isn't a bad angle to take - and we should know. We used a similar switcheroo for a cartoon about Obama over 5 years ago.

The trailer for Moore's documentary is pretty much exactly what you'd expect it to be: context-free two second clips of Trump juxtaposed with a KKK rally to make him look bad, intercut with multiple shots of Michael Moore staring at the outsides of big buildings with a strained/puzzled look on his face like he needs to use a pay toilet but has nothing in his pockets except some melting Peppermint Patties.

Moore, who spends his time between documentaries hiring himself out to parties as a Rosie O'Donnell lookalike, is encouraging other celebrities to, like him, "put their bodies on the line" for the anti-Trump Resistance.

Although frankly, if their bodies are like his, no one will even be able to see the line.

BONUS: HOORAY FOR HOLLYWEIRD

We're willing to bet right now that the first person to present the Academy's new award will be Hillary Clinton. You read it here first.