Stocking Market

Today's post is a little more personal than usual, mostly because the real news is so annoying right now that we'd just rather do some improvisational whining rather than dissect the usual idiocy.

Definitely catching our attention yesterday was the Dow-Jones' nearly 800 point drop, which blew another gaping holio in our portfolio. We're not sure exactly what caused it, though it certainly can't help market confidence when the (ahem) "news" media keeps declaring that Mueller is about to lower the boom on the President of the United States.

In any event, we are not amused - our tech stocks have all gone into "correction" territory (which means they're in prison cells where they get crudely-etched gang tattoos and call the guards "screws")...and we hope things turn around financially soon rather than getting even worse.

Changing subjects, some of you may remember from a few months ago that we had developed an interesting medical condition in which we would spontaneously start break-dancing multiple times over the course of a night. Which made for some decent Youtube video, but not exactly blissful rest.

The good news is that we've ruled out anything serious, but other than that can't quite determine what's going on. It seems that something happened physically, perhaps related to prescription medication, which changed the way our body reacts to stress. Soooo, we're experimenting with new methods of lowering our baseline stress level from its traditional "Defcon One" status.

Our primary effort is "guided meditation," in which a soothing voice tells you to close your eyes, breathe consciously, and picture yourself inside a vast open space with no boundaries and a perfect emptiness, free from awareness of the outside world or even thoughts. Currently, we do this by imagining ourselves floating inside Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's mind. Talk about infinite emptiness.

We also popped for a pair of Oculus Go VR goggles (and like them!), which we're pretty sure we can list as a medical deduction on our taxes as long as we only use them for meditational purposes. Fortunately, one can pretty quickly achieve a pure state of Zen by firing head shots into marauding zombies. Trust us on this one.

Have any other suggestions for de-stressing? We're currently looking for a second, third, and fourth opinion in the comments section - so let's hear what you have to say!

Fill In The Blankety-Blanks

Former President George Herbert Walker Bush has died at the age of 94. We didn't necessarily agree with every policy decision he ever made, but in general we liked the man and are deeply appreciative of his lifelong service (including military service) to this country.

But showing appropriate respect for the man is apparently too much to ask for from what passes for journalistic outlets these days. Particularly galling was the Washington Post's initial posting about the President's passing, about which they said, and we quote: "Mr. Bush died of SPECIFIC MEDICAL CAUSE OF DEATH, said/according to xxx."

Note to the Washington Post: we can understand why you prepare generic obituaries for important people ahead of time, but you really shouldn't go to press with them until you've filled in the freaking blanks (not that your paper demonstrates any great skill for doing that in any other stories).

We now imagine that the Washington Post has many such templates on hand, including stories like "Donald Trump offended NAME OF COUNTRY/LEADER/GROUP today with his radically offensive COMMENTS/TWEETS about SUBJECT, leading to fresh accusations that he is, in fact, a Nazi." And perhaps, "Scientists agree that RECENT NATURAL DISASTER can be attributed to global warming and Trump's decision to turn down the Paris Accord. Climate expert xxx suggests that this is proof that Trump is, in fact, a Nazi."

While a later edition of the Washington Post actually filled in a few details of President Bush's death, there was still criticism of their poor journalistic standards coming from their contemporaries. For instance, Slate's big headline was "New York Times and Washington Post Obituaries for George H.W. Bush Leave Out Groping Allegations."

Heavens! Was Bush, like Justice Kavanaugh, yet another conservative conducting gang rapes on girls rendered helpless by drugged punch?! Well, no. The article states that there were a couple of instances in the last two years when the wheelchair-bound nonagenarian, surrounded by other people and photographers, may have playfully reached out to pat a female fanny while joking that he was magician "David Cop-a-feel." (That last part is true and, putting political correctness aside, it's not a bad joke for a flirty - and harmless - 92 year old.)

Lack of impulse control is, sadly, pretty much par for the course for people that old and is not really cause to lump a good man in with the innumerable #MeToo victimizers of women. For Slate to suggest that these accusations are the most important thing which needs to be said about the life and career of President GHW Bush is beyond reprehensible.

But happily, we may not have to put up with their nonsense much longer. Because we've heard "Slate will cease publication owing to SEX/DRUG/FINANCIAL SCANDAL according to xxx." And we know we can trust "xxx," because the Washington Post said so.

Friday Free For All!

There's a lot going on in the news, and virtually all of it is ridiculous. But we won't keep you in suspense, we're kicking off today's post with the MOST stupid thing we've seen all week...

Detroit's Oakland University is passing out hockey pucks to faculty and student government leaders to throw at active shooters should such an event break out. Because nothing stops a bad guy with a gun like a good guy with a tiny piece of sports equipment.

Granted, a single hockey puck flung by a wimpish professorial type (ever seen how Barack Obama throws a baseball?) is only going to piss the shooter off, but the University has big plans for the future. "The ideal situation," they say, "is that you would have a classroom full of 30 or 40 people, all of whom have hockey pucks."

And in actuality, the idea has merit. Because if, God forbid, there ever is an active shooter event at Oakland University, we expect the person who thought up this godawful idea to get 30 or 40 hockey pucks up their ass from the survivors. Maybe then they'll get serious about campus safety.

And speaking of people who are no strangers to getting things shoved up their butts...

Stormy "Chlamydia Chowder" Daniels has come forward to announce that her lying sleazeball lawyer, Michael Avenatti, never got her permission to file the failed defamation suit against Donald Trump - and has also been taking the porn star's crowdfunding money (around $600,000) without giving any accounting of where it's going.

We find everything about this story to be delightful. The unpleasantly-aging Daniels will have to continue supporting herself by putting on debasing displays for any drunk with a dollar bill, the dolts who contributed to her campaign have been royally ripped off, and Avenatti will have to use his ill-gotten gains to pay millions of dollars in back taxes or, better still, flee the country.

But even that doesn't make us as happy as this tidbit of entertainment news...

The "Murphy Brown" reboot has officially been booted from view by CBS after only 13 episodes, owing to abysmal ratings and the high cost of keeping the geriatric cast members refrigerated between takes.

The idea behind the reboot was simple: "let's bring back a show from 20 years ago and make it relevant by having every spoken word be an attack on President Trump!" Yet more proof that cocaine doesn't really make anyone more creative.

The show starred a tastefully-embalmed Candace Bergen, and tried to entice viewers with stunts like a cameo from Hillary Clinton - because who doesn't want to see even more of that strident old biddy? Currently, there is no word on whether CBS will try to re-reboot the show with most of the cast members and a new premise in which Murphy Brown has unexpectedly died from an opioid overdose

AND ONE MORE THING...

Please join me in wishing a very happy birthday to Mrs. Jarlsberg!

Unsurprisingly, she's the real rock of the family, counterbalancing my lifelong creative chaos with stability, wisdom, and good humor. She is by far better informed on topical news than I am - she frequently points me at the important stories of the day, and has a mind which is actually analytical instead of one programmed to turn everything into a joke (albeit frequently a serious joke).

We don't really make a big show of celebrating birthdays (she won't even get that Hallmark card), but instead observe such occasions with our own family rituals. A hand-carved (by her grandfather) set of wooden letters spelling out "Happy Birthday" is put on display, and a little doll family that lives in our entertainment center and represents our family members will see a birthday crown worn on the head of the Mama figure.

Mrs. Jarlsberg deserves a real crown, of course, but happily has no taste for diamonds. Did I get lucky or what?