Suspicious Van

"It's also why my eyes are brown."

For roughly the kajillionth time, President Donald Trump thwarted expectations for his State of the Union speech by delivering an inspiring address which called for Americans on both sides of the political aisle to come together in harmony to rebuild and reinforce all that is best about America. So positive was his message that even the Democrats exercising their "wearing white" privilege stood to applaud him. At least, until he pointed out that America will never become a socialist country.

Additionally 76% of polled CNN viewers who actually saw the speech had a favorable impression of it, which is why the (ahem) "news" network had to immediately go into spin mode for those lazy viewers who skipped the speech in favor of CNN's recrap...er, recap...which was delivered in part by Bizarro-world former Obama official (and 9-11 "truther") Van Jones.

For those who may have blissfully forgotten Jones, allow us to refresh your memory...

Before becoming a CNN political expert, Jones had described himself as a radical, a communist, and an anarchist who sees the green movement as means to accomplish a radical class restructuring of America. This was, by the way, at a time when Obama was busily appointing Czars without fear of Democrats being offended by the obvious Russian connection.

But as much as we'd simply like to write off Van Jones as a camera-fellating Affirmative Action moron, we must admit that his dangerous radical agenda is gaining more traction among Trump's (and America's) political enemies in Washington.

In a jaw-dropping editorial in the Wall Street Journal called "Who's Afraid of Socialism?," the actual proposals being floated by elected officials on the Left are listed...and they're terrifying.

• Adoption of "Medicare For All," which would give the government ultimate power over how much (and what kind) of medical treatment you do or don't get. Literally life and death control of the citizenry.

• The Green "New Deal" would basically destroy our country by creating a legal requirement that within 10 short years, the U.S. would be entirey "carbon neutral." In other words, we would dismantle nearly 90% of our current energy system and replace it (ha!) with unaffordable, unreliable, or uninvented alternatives which would force massive degradation in transportation, manufacturing, and our overall quality of life.

• Government Jobs For All would assure 100% participation in the work force by guaranteeing a government job - or at least a paycheck - for anyone who wants one. And yes, many of the previously unemployable would` find themselves staring uncomprehendingly at the computer screens which will determine whether or not you can have a life-saving surgery. What could possibly go wrong?

• Corporate Control, as proposed by Elizabeth "Why yes, I DID try to advance my law career by lying my bright white butt off about being an American Indian" Warren, would fundamentally change corporations valued at over $1 billion. Employees would elect 40% of company directors, who would in turn be required to consider "benefits" other than just making a good return for shareholders - with government overseers thrown into the mix just to make sure no one forgets that capitalism is a sin.

• Massive Tax Increases will of course be necessary for all of this. Higher taxes on the evil rich, on the dead evil rich, and on the evil middle class who aspire to becoming the evil rich (formerly known as "the American Dream.")

In other words, the Van Jones crowd - which encompasses pretty much every Democrat in Congress at this point - wants the opposite of what is good for our nation, and the opposite of what our very unusual President and a majority of the American people believe we need to be pursuing in a bipartisan way.

Put another way, the Democrat alternative to the State of the Union is a state of disaster.

Between a Rocker and a Hard Place

We'd really love to give a point-by-point breakdown of Trump's State of the Union address, as well as our customary analytical breakdown of the most subtle and meaningful bits. Unfortunately, at the time of this writing, Trump is still hours away from speaking...so just like the professional journalists, we'll just have to make things up while trying to keep a straight face.

Which won't be easy - after all, it's being reported that the primary thrust of Trump's speech will be to call for national Unity. And while he's at it, we hope he also calls for the successful development of cold fusion, lasting peace in the Middle East, affordable jetpacks for personal flying, decent "Star Wars" sequels, magic weight-loss pills and, most importantly, McRibs being served at McDonald's all year long.

Because all of those things are going to happen way before we see anything like unity in this country again. People flat out hate one another and can find no common ground. Even the tepid halftime show at the actual (and remarkably boring) Superbowl was steeped in controversy over not being controversial enough.

Some people even had a problem with Gladys Knight beautifully singing our national anthem because she gave it too much gravitas and respect. For those holding this opinion about our national anthem and the national treasure that is Gladys Freaking Knight, we will gently suggest that you might benefit from taking the "Midnight Train to Auschwitz."

But back to the State of the Union, which Nancy Pelosi has so generously offered to hold in "her" house (although we'd like to see her property tax receipts to prove it). Maxine Waters went on a long rant telling people not to watch the speech under any circumstances because "Trump has told lies 6000 times! We've counted them!" and she also hints that there's some chance that people who look at him will turn into pillars of salt, which presents a special (and no doubt targeted) risk to black Americans who have a tendency toward hypertension.

Still, SOME people will see Trump's speech - including a bunch of whackjobs who are being invited into the House of Representatives as "special guests" of the Democrats. Artesia Ocarina-Courtdate has invited the strident anti-Kavanaugh harpy who attacked Jeff Flake in an elevator. Kamala Harris is bringing a woman who lost her home in a wildfire which was, purportedly, started by off-gassing from Donald Trump's hair.

Kirsten Gillibrand is bringing a transgender Naval officer, who will burst into tears whenever Trump mentions "seamen." A number of illegal immigrants will also be in attendance, and there are unconfirmed rumors that a couple of pregnant women whose due dates aligned with the speech will be present to have their gasping children dismembered on the chamber floor.

So all in all, a big entertainment spectacle which will produce...well...pretty much nothing, we're guessing. Although there's at least a chance that Trump will take the opportunity to get the Wall moving by declaring a national emergency.

And if you can look at all the stories we just listed above and NOT think we're having a national emergency, well, you're just not paying attention.

SOTU FASHION STATEMENT...

And forceps and bone-saws make fabulous accessories!

BONUS: RUTH BADER GINSBURG FINALLY SIGHTED!

After more than two months out of the public eye, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg emerged from solitude to attend a small musical which was written and performed in her honor. People attending the event swear that the aged, health-challenged Justice looked spectacularly well, vigorous, vivacious, and glamorous...

Unfortunately, no actual pictures of Ginsburg at the event have emerged, which is why we were forced to fill the available space with this fascinating and completely unrelated photo of a "teratoma tumor," a benign growth in humans which can develop teeth, hair, rudimentary eyes, and even tiny little arms and legs without being Justice Ginsburg!

We don't actually know if these odd growths can also adjudicate legal cases, and we weren't about to do a Google search for "teratoma tumors" AND "lawyers." There are some things you just can't un-see...

The Hole Truth

Frankly, we're not really enthusiastic about "trial by yearbook," but since Democrat presidential wannabees like Kamala Harris and Cory Booker put such a high value on this kind of "evidence" during the Brett Kavanaugh hearings, we're willing to reach across the aisle and accept their notion that decades-old embarrassments can appropriately be used to destroy lives and political careers.

In this case, we're talking about Virginia's Democrat Governor (and baby murder enthusiast) Ralph Northam and the strange case of a photo on his college yearbook page which apparently shows him wearing blackface or a Ku Klux Klan robe. Northam apologized for the photo and the hurtfulness of his actions, and claimed he couldn't recall whether he was the person in the photo portraying Al Jolson or the one impersonating former Democrat Senator (and Klan official) Robert Byrd.

Northam later "clarified" that he was neither person, had nothing to apologize for other than his previous apology, and had never ever ever appeared in blackface except for the one time he literally rubbed Shinola on his face to imitate Michael Jackson for a dance contest. No, really. And when reporters asked about it, he offered to prove his case by doing the moonwalk but was stopped by his wife. Which, in our book, is a damn shame.

And as long as we're linking the late term abortion-happy Virginia Governor and Groundhog Day...

BONUS: BORDERLINE MADNESS

Okay, we honestly hope that Justice Ginsburg gets well soon. But this gag, suggested by our erudite friend John F. Di Leo, was just too good not to share.