April Fools' Day 2018

As has become April 1st tradition here at Stilton's Place, we're sharing our predictions for a number of news stories which we expect to break before day's end. Enjoy!

The Great White Hoax

Astounding, isn't it?!

We're pressed for time today, but just couldn't pass up this particular story. In the aftermath of hate-hoaxer Jussie Smollett suspiciously getting his 16 felony charges dropped by Chicago prosecutors (and Smollett and others claiming this proves he was telling the truth all along), people want to know why Jussie's friends, the Osundairo brothers, confessed to committing the fake attack.

Obviously, the only way both stories could even remotely be true was if Smollett actually believed the two Nigerians were white racist Trump supporters who routinely carry bleach and nooses during late night arctic cold snaps, waiting for gay black actors to emerge from a 24-hour sandwich shop.

To (ahem) "prove" this was a possibility, Smollett's attorney Tina Glandian said that the brothers might have been wearing "whiteface" disguises...and then produced a picture of one of the brothers wearing whiteface makeup (costumed as The Joker) to show how easily he could have been mistaken for a Caucasian. Perhaps even young Barron Trump, musician Edgar Winter, or one of the teutonic Von Trapp children from "The Sound of Music."

We won't lie: this picture is one of the most wonderful and hilarious things we've seen in ages.

And we don't know what Smollett (or Michelle Obama, Kamala Harris, Angela Davis, or George Soros) is paying that lawyer, but if she was able to present that particular picture and defense with a straight face, she's worth every penny.

Oh, Dem Judges!

"Mission Accomplished!"

Emergency measures had to be instituted yesterday to counteract a disturbing number of reports that Conservatives were beginning to believe the US Justice System might actually be working again. To counter those potentially dangerous thoughts, officials in Barack Obama's alleged home town quickly dropped all 16 felony charges against hate-crime hoaxer Jussie Smollet, after which Judge Steven G. Watkins, Democrat, sealed all of the court records to prevent the kind of "transparency" that other Dems are rabidly demanding from the Mueller report.

Clearly, this bizarre (and so far unexplained) action goes way past the usual norms of "blind justice." In fact, it suggests that in Chicago, justice isn't just blind but also deaf, dumb, and covered with malodorous, oozing syphilitic lesions.

Frankly, we're not surprised that the vast majority of murderers go uncaught and unimprisoned in Chicago, because Chicago doesn't care a rat's ass about the mainly low-income black victims who are being slaughtered on a daily basis. We're slightly more surprised that an open-and-shut case involving a hate crime and terroristic threats (hey, YOU try mailing white powder to someone and see if it gets laughed off!) is so easily being dismissed...and actively covered up.

But this is the world we live in now. If, in the eyes of the media and those holding political power, you hate the right people, then you can do no wrong and suffer no punishment.

As for us, we have a sprinkling of good memories of visiting Chicago and her museums when we were very young. Which is a good thing, because there's no way we'll ever again set foot in that crime infested, thoroughly corrupt hellhole. We certainly don't approve of nooses (even a Smollett "fake noose"), but the city might very well benefit from a very thorough washdown in bleach.

BONUS: (GRIN) NEW DEAL...