Beating About the Bush

As much as we hate to do so, we're actually coming to "Groping Joe" Biden's defense today. Not because he isn't "handsy" and apt to inappropriately touch women, children, and even men, but because we haven't heard any accusations yet that really say he's anything worse than being annoyingly physical in his interpersonal dealings.

After all, some people are huggers, others aren't. Some kiss spontaneously, and some don't. Some press a woman's nipple and say "ding dong!" because it's fun to make doorbell jokes, while others deny being able to tell the genders apart. Who are we to judge?

Granted, we enjoy watching the Left eat their own, but we think there are far, far better reasons for tossing Uncle Joe out of the Presidential race than his shnorfling the back of women's necks. For instance, he's been in Washington DC since the Pleistocene era and yet has never been right about a single issue or foreign policy decision.

This is a man who recently attacked white people for being white. A man who tells black Americans that Wall Street wants to "put you back in chains." A man who believes the proper exercise of 2nd Amendment rights consists of running out onto your balcony at night and firing a shotgun in the air if you were startled awake by a dog's fart.

So it's not Joe Biden's grasping of campaign supporters that bothers us so much as his inability to grasp reality.

As bad as this was, it could have been worse if they were in a bowling alley.

BONUS: AVOCADO'S NUMBER...

Terror, quite possibly tequila-related, swept our nation recently when it was announced that if President Trump seals our southern border to stem the rising flood of illegal invaders, we could run out of avocados within three weeks.

Oh sure, there are plenty of other delicious things to dunk chips in, but do we really want to increase our dependence on France just to maintain a critical flow of French Onion dip? Do we really want fey millennials wearing pouty faces because they can't get avocado toast? Do we really want to wait a few weeks to enjoy American-grown avocados that were still picked by Mexicans?

Well, yes - we do!

And if the Dems don't like it, we suggest that they dip their Doritos in another pasty substance which comes from South of the Border. So to speak.

April Fools' Day 2018

As has become April 1st tradition here at Stilton's Place, we're sharing our predictions for a number of news stories which we expect to break before day's end. Enjoy!

The Great White Hoax

Astounding, isn't it?!

We're pressed for time today, but just couldn't pass up this particular story. In the aftermath of hate-hoaxer Jussie Smollett suspiciously getting his 16 felony charges dropped by Chicago prosecutors (and Smollett and others claiming this proves he was telling the truth all along), people want to know why Jussie's friends, the Osundairo brothers, confessed to committing the fake attack.

Obviously, the only way both stories could even remotely be true was if Smollett actually believed the two Nigerians were white racist Trump supporters who routinely carry bleach and nooses during late night arctic cold snaps, waiting for gay black actors to emerge from a 24-hour sandwich shop.

To (ahem) "prove" this was a possibility, Smollett's attorney Tina Glandian said that the brothers might have been wearing "whiteface" disguises...and then produced a picture of one of the brothers wearing whiteface makeup (costumed as The Joker) to show how easily he could have been mistaken for a Caucasian. Perhaps even young Barron Trump, musician Edgar Winter, or one of the teutonic Von Trapp children from "The Sound of Music."

We won't lie: this picture is one of the most wonderful and hilarious things we've seen in ages.

And we don't know what Smollett (or Michelle Obama, Kamala Harris, Angela Davis, or George Soros) is paying that lawyer, but if she was able to present that particular picture and defense with a straight face, she's worth every penny.