Casualty Friday

After "The Shining," their attempt to do standup comedy pretty much went nowhere.

Some days, the muse doesn't pay us a visit. Unsurprisingly, this usually happens on days in which the "news" is full of the same, meaningless pap that we're already sick of talking about. Case in point: the NY Times just published a 1500 word story which says "unnamed sources" may have been in contact with "unnamed members" of the Mueller investigation team who may have said that the full report is considerably rougher on Trump than the Barr summary indicates.

If that story deserves any response other than "blow it out your ass," we certainly can't think of it.

And that's pretty much our attitude toward every story that's currently trending, tweeting, or tub-thumping to grab our attention. Which is why we're filling space with roller coaster jokes and knee-slappers like these...

The longer you think about it, the truer it is.

Okay, stick a fork in us - we're done. But we encourage any and all volunteers to raise salient points from the news (or at least share some better jokes) in the comments section in hopes of keeping today from being a total loss!

Beating About the Bush

As much as we hate to do so, we're actually coming to "Groping Joe" Biden's defense today. Not because he isn't "handsy" and apt to inappropriately touch women, children, and even men, but because we haven't heard any accusations yet that really say he's anything worse than being annoyingly physical in his interpersonal dealings.

After all, some people are huggers, others aren't. Some kiss spontaneously, and some don't. Some press a woman's nipple and say "ding dong!" because it's fun to make doorbell jokes, while others deny being able to tell the genders apart. Who are we to judge?

Granted, we enjoy watching the Left eat their own, but we think there are far, far better reasons for tossing Uncle Joe out of the Presidential race than his shnorfling the back of women's necks. For instance, he's been in Washington DC since the Pleistocene era and yet has never been right about a single issue or foreign policy decision.

This is a man who recently attacked white people for being white. A man who tells black Americans that Wall Street wants to "put you back in chains." A man who believes the proper exercise of 2nd Amendment rights consists of running out onto your balcony at night and firing a shotgun in the air if you were startled awake by a dog's fart.

So it's not Joe Biden's grasping of campaign supporters that bothers us so much as his inability to grasp reality.

As bad as this was, it could have been worse if they were in a bowling alley.

BONUS: AVOCADO'S NUMBER...

Terror, quite possibly tequila-related, swept our nation recently when it was announced that if President Trump seals our southern border to stem the rising flood of illegal invaders, we could run out of avocados within three weeks.

Oh sure, there are plenty of other delicious things to dunk chips in, but do we really want to increase our dependence on France just to maintain a critical flow of French Onion dip? Do we really want fey millennials wearing pouty faces because they can't get avocado toast? Do we really want to wait a few weeks to enjoy American-grown avocados that were still picked by Mexicans?

Well, yes - we do!

And if the Dems don't like it, we suggest that they dip their Doritos in another pasty substance which comes from South of the Border. So to speak.

April Fools' Day 2018

As has become April 1st tradition here at Stilton's Place, we're sharing our predictions for a number of news stories which we expect to break before day's end. Enjoy!