Sucks to be Huge

Not that they'll be missed.

It is described as the ultimate void. A vast, dark vortex of emptiness with an unimaginably dense center from which nothing can escape.

We're talking, of course, about the mainstream news media - with whom we want nothing to do today. The Dems interrogating Barr, the Dems trying to get Trump's tax returns, top level turnover in various White House departments as our southern border fails, Alec Baldwin talking about running for President - oh, please!

But we do find it at least potentially interesting that a group of astronomers is promising today to reveal the first ever direct image of an actual black hole in space. Granted, we don't expect it to look like much of anything...but its shape could at least potentially change everything we think we know about physics and what we believe to be reality. Or...and we can't emphasize this strongly enough... it might just look like a boring hole.

Because seriously, how hard would it be to fake a photo of absolute nothingness in deep space? You could sneeze on the film of an old chest X-ray and probably pass off the results as the greatest astronomical discovery since the days of Copernicus (who invented the sneeze). Although actually, there could and should be some interesting stuff to see around the black hole, swirling down the ultimate drain and giving off wild bursts of light and energy as time, matter, and space are all condensed into infinitely hot meaninglessness.

Granted, Washington DC had already given us a pretty good idea of what a black hole looks like...

Nothing that goes in is ever seen again.

...but the image released today will probably be a lot less clear. In fact, we're expecting a fairly funky computerized image which will be accompanied by a much more detailed, colorful, and spectacular "artist's rendition" of the black hole. Something like this, perhaps...

True fact: the Event Horizon is defined by sparkling, iridescent drips of sugar glaze.

In the end, the "image reveal" may or may not prove to be interesting or educational. But we'll be tuning in anyway, because compared to everything else that's going on, #BlackHolesMatter.

PULSE-POUNDING UPDATE:

Tah-dah!!!! Okay, not that great a picture, but still genuinely interesting.

The Black New Deal

So, New York 14th District voters - how does it feel to pick a ninny?

Although we hate giving dimwits more time in the spotlight than they deserve, AOC has once again offered us too tempting a target to resist.

Specifically, she has entered the ranks of those political figures who suddenly lapse into a broad Amos & Andy dialect when talking to African-American audiences in order to seem more "black." Interestingly, this overtly racist affliction only seems to strike liberals, with notable victims including Hillary "Ain't No Ways Tarred" Clinton, Rachel "Of Course I'm Black, I Committed Welfare Fraud" Dolezal, and Barack "I Was Raised in a White Community by White Communists Who Fed Me Fluffernutter Sandwiches" Obama.

In this case, Ms. Occasionally-Colored was addressing a predominantly black audience when she was suddenly overcome by the urge to speak in a southern drawl seasoned with just a soupcon of Ebonics. Reacting to President Trump's dismissal of her as a "bartender," she defended her former (and future) profession by declaring "Ain't nothin' wrong wid dat!" while waving jazz hands.

She then further demonstrated her deep understanding of black culture by assuring them - still in Stepin Fetchit mode -  that there was nothing wrong with their holding jobs like "folding clothes for other people to buy," or "preparing the food that your neighbors will eat," or "driving busses." In fact, it seems like there "ain't nothin' wrong wid dat" about any kind of manual labor for black Americans, as long as they leave all the fancy thinkin' jobs to the progressive massahs in charge of the new plantation state.

Of course, part of that fancy thinkin' by the Leftists is to flood our country with so many illegal aliens that the humble, but thoroughly respectable, jobs she listed will be out of reach to those in black communities who were hoping to enter the job market and start climbing the economic ladder.

Still, if they vote the right way, there will always be a trickle of cash heading their way from Washington.

But there ain't nothin' right about it.

Casualty Friday

After "The Shining," their attempt to do standup comedy pretty much went nowhere.

Some days, the muse doesn't pay us a visit. Unsurprisingly, this usually happens on days in which the "news" is full of the same, meaningless pap that we're already sick of talking about. Case in point: the NY Times just published a 1500 word story which says "unnamed sources" may have been in contact with "unnamed members" of the Mueller investigation team who may have said that the full report is considerably rougher on Trump than the Barr summary indicates.

If that story deserves any response other than "blow it out your ass," we certainly can't think of it.

And that's pretty much our attitude toward every story that's currently trending, tweeting, or tub-thumping to grab our attention. Which is why we're filling space with roller coaster jokes and knee-slappers like these...

The longer you think about it, the truer it is.

Okay, stick a fork in us - we're done. But we encourage any and all volunteers to raise salient points from the news (or at least share some better jokes) in the comments section in hopes of keeping today from being a total loss!