Mystic Con

Since the news already makes us feel like we're living in The Twilight Zone, we're turning over today's commentary to The Mystic Seer, who made a notable appearance on Rod Serling's show in which the demonic machine predicted (or perhaps caused) future events in return for a penny - dispensing small cards with the often cryptic answers to increasingly disturbing yes-or-no questions.

That's credibility enough for us! So after getting change for a bright, shiny dime, here are the ten questions we asked The Mystic Seer...

Q: Is Biden's 32 point lead over Bernie Sanders accurate?
Mystic Seer: I fail to give a damn, but thanks for the penny.

Q: Does Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez really not know what a garbage disposal is?
Mystic Seer: The answer is unclear. Try telling her it's a fingernail clipper.

Q: Mayor Pete Buttigieg says America was never great. Is he right?
Mystic Seer: One sees little with his head up his ass. Or anyone else's.

Q: 57% of Democrats believe Trump is guilty of treason. Can their minds be changed?
Mystic Seer: You can't change what doesn't exist.

Q: Is Iran behind the recent rocket attacks on Israel?
Mystic Seer: Was a giant pallet of cash and free rein on nuclear weapons' development bad U.S. policy?

Q: Will we ever hear from Stormy Daniels again?
Mystic Seer: Perhaps in a dark alley.

Q: What will be the prison nickname for James Comey?
Mystic Seer: That's not a yes-or-no question, but his nickname will rhyme with "Gummi."

Q: If you know all the answers, could you beat James Holzhauer on "Jeopardy?"
Mystic Seer: Yes, like a red-headed stepchild.

Q: Will Donald Trump ever be successfully impeached?
Mystic Seer: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! No.

Q: Have you seen "Avengers: Endgame" yet?
Mystic Seer: I again fail to give a damn, but thanks for your last penny.

And as always, the Mystic Seer was right! Also, in case it wasn't already screamingly obvious, there was nothing in the news we wanted to talk about today but we just can't stand presenting you with a blank page and a shrug of the shoulders. So feel free to jumpstart some scintillating conversation in the comments. Favorite Twilight Zone episodes, anyone...?

This one still scares the living crap out of us. Really.

May Tricks

We believe that those on the Left are about to get one heck of a wake-up call courtesy of Attorney General Barr, and the soon-to-be-released report detailing DOJ Inspector Michael Horowitz's investigation of the unethical and illegal tactics used to spy on, and frame, Donald Trump. Legally speaking, we could be looking at a tsunami which will sweep away the biggest political players on the Left.

But the mainstream media is doing very little to cushion the coming blow for their gullible audience members. As a case in point, we were stopped dead in our tracks upon encountering this headline from the Associated Press: "Fines, jail time? Trump team resists oversight, Dems dig in."

Okay, first things first - the Trump team isn't resisting oversight, it's resisting overthrow.  But back to the ludicrous article which is a not-so-funhouse mirror version of what's really going on...

WASHINGTON, AP - They're talking at the Capitol about jailing people. Imposing steep fines. All sorts of extraordinary, if long-shot measures to force the White House to comply with Democratic lawmakers' request for information about President Donald Trump stemming from the special counsel's Russia investigation.

"When the president denies the Congress documents and access to key witnesses, basically what they're doing is saying, Congress you don't count," according to Rep. Elijah Cummings. "We simply cannot have a presidency that is run as if it were a king or a dictator in charge."

The article then details the draconian measures Democrats are planning to further obstruct justice by filing contempt of Congress motions against Barr, and threatening to lock Trump staffers up in a super-secret "Capitol Prison," despite repeated denials from the House and Senate that such a spiderweb-filled, subterranean dungeon actually exists. Because that's the level of insanity currently in play.

And so we come back to the red pill and the blue pill that those on the Left will soon have to choose from. They may find the red one hard to swallow...but it's going to be a lot easier on them than the alternative.

ALSO IN THE NEWS: HIGHWAY TO HELL

The road is, of course, half-blacktop.

On Saturday, unrestrained joy broke out in Los Angeles when the city renamed a small section of road to honor soon-to-be-indicted former president Barack Obama.

Mind you, none of the road is new or upgraded (or as Barry would say, "You didn't build that"), as that would have required actual shovel-ready jobs to be performed, which was forbidden by California's "Department of Irony Suppression."

Instead, shiny new street signs were posted, carefully handcrafted by the prison inmates whom Democrats hope to have voting again (and again and again) in time for the 2020 elections.

Poking the Barr

Oscar Wilde was not a man you wanted on your bad side. A man of great intellect, piercing wit, and the gift of absolutely devastating quips, Wilde could eviscerate his opponents and critics using only his razor-sharp tongue.

Still, when Wilde was confronted by braying trolls who were mentally unequipped to appreciate the subtleties of his scathing rhetoric, we'd like to imagine that he would instead wait for the buffoons in a darkened alley with a nail-studded truncheon and give them a sound thrashing about the head and shoulders to more effectively point out the errors in their blighted logic.

And this is the position we find ourselves in today, at least rhetorically. Because after watching what the Senate Democrats did on Wednesday to Attorney General Barr, a good and honorable man, we find ourselves without much of a sense of humor today. Our thoughts are instead drifting towards more kinetic and unconventional procedures for restoring something like decorum, dignity, and common decency to the Grand Guignol proceedings in Washington.

"Questioners" (who had very few actual questions, but a lot of unsubstantiated accusations and insults) included presidential wannabees like Cory Booker and Kamala Harris, as well as some
ilio wahine from Hawaii whose only conceivable public service to the people of her stinking, socialist island would involve appeasing the volcano gods with a personal sacrifice. And yes, she's old - but based on her appearance and personality, we're guessing that she still meets the one mandatory requirement for the job (wink-wink, nudge-nudge).

See, we're still trying to joke here...but what we really feel is an all-consuming anger at these smug and morally vacuous liars and hypocrites. These are people who are still - STILL - trying to pull off a Presidential coup d'etat in the United States of America. Which isn't something that any of us should take lightly...or forgivingly.

It is our great hope that Attorney General Barr, who endured the appalling partisan abuse with great poise and intelligence, will use this despicable incident to stoke his own internal fires...the ones whose flames will soon be roaring under the feet of many in the Obama administration, the Clinton circle, and the traitorous intelligence agencies that did their best to end our nation's democracy.

All of them need to be brought to trial by Mr. Barr. And after due process has been carried out and verdicts reached, appropriate punishment must be meted out. Even if, per today's cartoon, what's "appropriate" may involve bringing back some historical methodologies which lacked subtlety, but clearly demonstrated that treason is not a game you want to play and lose.

BONUS: DEMOCRAT HOUSE MEMBER TOTALLY EATS IT

On Thursday, Attorney General Barr decided against attending a second day of crucifixion, this time at the hands of House Democrats, which prompted one representative - a friggin' dolt who has probably never heard of Oscar Wilde - to sit and sloppily munch Kentucky Fried Chicken to show that Barr was - get this - a chicken for not showing up. Chicken - get it?! Hilarious, right?!

But it made us wonder, where would an obvious moron get such an idea...?