Feel the Burn-out

Uh, Jerry...?

The WHO (World Health Organization, not to be confused with the greatest rock band of all time) has recently updated their handbook, "The International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems," as a helpful resource for doctors, health insurers, and hypochondriacs who are sure that they have something, dammit.

The 2019 revision notably includes devastating illnesses like "job burn-out," which is "a syndrome conceptualized as resulting from chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed." Which, in our experience, pretty much describes every job we've ever held. And while the WHO doesn't explicitly say it, we assume that they see the job-creating Donald Trump as the Typhoid Mary of stress-inducing employment.

(Worth noting is the fact that there is still no vaccination for burn-out, although researchers at the Clan MacGregor distillery say "shots can help," which we can personally confirm.)

The WHO also updated their definition of "compulsive sexual disorder," a very serious condition best known for afflicting a former president who shall remain nameless, but whose wife's name is Hillary.

Thanks, Obamacare!

Other interesting changes to The Big Book of Horrible Conditions (which we think would be a much catchier title if they really want this thing to sell) include the WHO's official recognition of video game addiction. Which must be a terrible thing to have - just imagine the amount of work it must take to grind an X-Box console into powder fine enough to snort.

Happily, not all of the handbook's revisions were adding new medical conditions - some old ones have been reconsidered by the great medical minds in Geneva, Switzerland and it turns out that they weren't illnesses at all! As a case in point, transgenderism is no longer described as a "mental disorder," but simply a "natural variation of human experience."

This comes as great news to transgender folks, because many governments previously insisted on a medical "gender disorder" diagnosis before changing people's names and gender markers on official documents. But with the banishment of "gender disorder," anyone is now free to demand legal paperwork substantiating whatever name and gender currently tickles their fancy. (medical note: "fancy" is the official term for transgender genitalia).

The WHO handbook has literally hundreds of other interesting medical updates but unfortunately we're not able to comment on them at present. It's time for us to take our shot (or two) to avoid job burn-out.

Memorial Day 2019

Image © Janet Burroff

Today is not about politics. It's about remembering that the freedoms we too easily take for granted came at the highest imaginable cost. We are all in the debt of the fallen - and while it is a debt which can never be repaid, it is essential that we try to prove ourselves worthy of their sacrifice every day.

On this Memorial Day, please take time in your thoughts to express gratitude to those who have died in the service of our country.

Speaker of the (Mad) House

Despite competition from young Democrat upstarts in the House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi has forcefully and successfully reclaimed the title of "Most Vile Woman in Washington."

We say this based on the little dog-and-pony show she staged with Chuck "Does Scowling Make Me Look Smart?" Schumer rather than getting the nation's business done. They were supposed to take a meeting with President Trump to discuss a spending plan to rebuild our nation's crumbling infrastructure (an idea with broad bipartisan support), but immediately beforehand, Nancy attended a well-publicized meeting with other foaming-at-the-mouth Democrats to discuss impeaching the President.

After which she paused on her way to the White House to tell reporters that Trump was engaged in a cover-up because his staff is no longer responding to the unending subpoenas from Jerry "Look, I Can Bite My Belt Buckle" Nadler for private documents, financial information, and testimony related to, well, nothing.

Understandably, once the meeting commenced it only took Trump three minutes to show Nancy and Chuck the door, after which he told the press that the Democrats can investigate him or work with him, but not both at the same time. Which sounds reasonable to us.

Pelosi had her own version of events, later saying/slurring: "Thomas Jefferson tasked his Secretary of the Treasure to put forth an infrastructure proposal, initiative for the country. It would follow the Lewis and Clark expedition (trivia note: Pelosi still has a dress in her closet with Clark's DNA on it), the Louisiana purchase, it would be about the Erie Canal, the Cumberland road, things like that to build in America.

For some reason, maybe it was lack of confidence on this part, that he really couldn't match the greatness of the challenge that we have, he just took a pass. And it just makes me wonder why he did that." Yeah, it's a puzzler alright.

It was at this point that the contents of Nancy's flask really kicked in, and she started opining that Trump is really angry because he wants to be impeached, but Nancy won't accommodate his bizarre wish because it would be "a very divisive place to go in our country." Presumably, even if we took the Cumberland road.

Instead, she suggests that the clearly disturbed Trump take a "leave of absence," or that "his family or his staff should have an intervention for the good of the country."

Keep this nonsense up, Democrats, and you will by God get an intervention for the good of the country.

ON AN ENTIRELY UNRELATED NOTE...

After reflecting on Speaker Pelosi's inflammatory rhetoric and the Democrats' unceasing harassment of the President (with plenty of help from mainstream media), the only way we could regain emotional equilibrium was by watching this video of things being crushed into pulp by a powerful industrial grinder.

But what made this so particularly pleasing is that we just learned that President Trump has ordered all intelligence agencies to fully cooperate with Barr's investigation into the fake Russian collusion accusations...AND given Barr the personal authority to declassify any and all documents related to the case.

In other words, some very big names may soon be going into Barr's grinder.