Mass Debaters

Hurry, hurry, hurry! Step right up to the greatest show on Earth! See the odd, the unusual, and the bizarre! The freaks, the geeks, and nature's mistakes are all inside, all alive, and can walk, talk, and crawl on their bellies like reptiles! And they all promise to throw money at you!

Okay, that's not the actual ballyhoo for the two nights of Democrat debates which begin this evening, but it might as well be considering all the weird crap we're likely to see and hear. With apologies to the great P.T. Barnum, no one has ever convened such a "congress of oddities" before. In total, we'll hear from twenty candidates on Wednesday and Thursday, each of whom will be trying to put their personal spin on topics like the imminent end of the world from climate change, reparations for slavery, the end of income inequality, free socialized everything, wide open borders, restriction (or repeal) of 1st and 2nd Amendment rights, forgiveness of college loans, and no-questions-asked legalized abortion up until the time the fetus is old enough to personally file an amicus brief in court.

To set an appropriate tone, we can only hope (but sadly doubt) that there will be jolly calliope music playing during the debates, that the audience will be chomping on corn dogs and cotton candy, and that the floors will be covered with sawdust in case anyone throws up.

Lacking any ideas of substance, all of the candidates are hoping to bribe voters with budget-busting giveaways, with Bernie Sanders currently leading the pack with his $2.2 trillion plan to forgive college debt and make college not only free, but an actual right.

We can't predict exactly what goodies the Democrat candidates will be promising, but we think overall the process may closely parallel a passage from one of our favorite (and clearly prescient considering it was published in 2011) social satires, "CLUMP: An American Splatire."

In the book, an elected political figure desperately tries to curry favor with voters by immediately replacing "the pursuit of happiness" with "the guarantee of happiness" in 10 easy federally-mandated steps...

1) 100% free healthcare including liposuction, Viagra, and breast implants.
2) College degrees will be issued without the requirement of attending college.
3) All existing debts will be cancelled; nobody owes anything to anybody.
4) Unemployment benefits will be permanent and twice the minimum wage.
5) All cars will get 100 miles per gallon and their exhaust will be pure oxygen with a "fresh pine" scent.
6) Everything served in a restaurant will always be on a 99¢ value menu.
7) Fitness guidelines will be revised so that every American meets the federal definition of "hot."
8) 50 bonus points will be added to the IQ score of every American.
9) There will be no more taxes of any kind except on the Evil Rich.
10) Everyone will go to Heaven.

Still quoting from the book:

"The groundswell of sheer, unbridled joy in America was seismic. People were high-fiving in the streets, laughing, crying, and hugging complete strangers. It was as if the bloody and long-fought war against meritocracy had finally drawn to a victorious close.

This unprecedented national euphoria lasted an entire day, then died the next morning as abruptly as a beef cow smacked with a sledgehammer. Because that's when the stock market plunged like an Acapulco cliff diver."

A cautionary tale, or an actual preview of coming attractions? Thanks to the Democratic debates, we'll start finding out tonight.

BONUS: CONCENTRATION SUMMER CAMPS

Wow, AOC can dance and act!

The Carroll and Shtick Approach

It's been a remarkably consistent week for President Trump: he was going to obliterate Iran, then it didn't happen. He was going to have ICE raids on illegals all over the country, then it didn't happen. And now he's been accused of rape by a woman selling a book about how awful men are, and we're pretty damn sure it didn't happen either.

Advice columnist E. Jean Carroll who, in her spare time, conducts twice-weekly walking tours disparaging "The Most Hideous Men of New York City," claims that in "1975 or 1976," Trump was overcome with lust for her while they shared a dressing room in the Bergdorf Goodman department store. Both were fully clothed at the time (she never even dropped her handbag), but Carroll claims that Trump managed to hold her against a wall while simultaneously unzipping his fly and pulling down her tights, after which he "thrust his penis halfway - or completely, I'm not certain - inside me." After which she pushed him aside, ran from the dressing room, and cleverly escaped on a slow-moving escalator without alerting anyone at the store or mentioning it in public for a quarter century.

Ms. Carroll, the author of the coincidentally just-released "What Do We Need Men For?", denies Donald Trump's claim that she's lying to sell more books and states categorically that she's telling the absolute truth and has only come forward to revitalize her career as a fading porn star and stripper. No, wait - that was Stormy Daniels, the only woman on the "gentleman's club" circuit who has to give 75¢ in change to anyone who tucks a dollar bill in her g-string.

Ms. Carroll says that she has no intention of filing charges against President Trump, because she "would find it disrespectful to the women who are down on the border who are being raped around the clock down there without any protection. It would just be disrespectful."

So as a famous and celebrated advice columnist, she would tell women not to report being raped in order to show respect to other women who are getting raped?! We should definitely get into the "advice columnist" racket, as apparently the entry requirements are pretty much nonexistent.

Rape is a very serious matter, but the sad epidemic of rape taking place at our southern border could be greatly reduced by closing the borders as Trump wants to do, rather than having liberals keep them wide open as an enticing lure to women and children...and their rapists.

And we've been told, repeatedly, that every woman who cries rape needs to be believed without question. Sadly, the circus of wild unsubstantiated lies at the Kavanaugh confirmation hearings has made that an exceedingly foolish thing to do. For which actual rape victims who are disbelieved can thank political hatchet-wielders like Gloria Allred, Michael Avenatti, Senate Democrats and, we're betting, E. Jean Carroll.

Stupidity on Parade

Proving once again that her nitwittery has no limits, AOC has again riled up the Right with a tweet declaring, "the United States is running concentration camps on our southern border, and that is exactly what they are. They are concentration camps."

Far from backing away from this odious statement, AOC has doubled down on the "accuracy" of her tweet by saying that concentration camps weren't the same as death camps. This is pretty much a distinction without a difference, considering the countless WWII prisoners who died agonizing deaths owing to starvation, exhaustion, exposure to the elements, vicious abuse, and an almost complete lack of medical care. All of which occurred under the ever-present threat of being sent to a death camp.

Sometimes, stupidity can be amusing. At other times, it is dangerous and repugnant. This is one of those times.

FROM THE VAULT...

Since potential war with Iran is being talked about a lot, we thought this might be a good time for a quick retrospective to show just how the Ayatollahs got the idea that America could be pushed around.

We begin by going back to 2009, when a people's revolution failed after receiving no support or even encouragement from Iran's best buddy...

Jumping ahead, let's consider Obama's infamous "Iran Deal," which was intended to be the centerpiece of his legacy. And, if war breaks out, it actually may be...

We hope that the tension surrounding Iran ramps down peacefully. But if it doesn't, we would do well to remember who it was that shipped $400 million in cash to Iran in the dark of night, and planted the dangerous idea that the United States would always back down from a challenge.

PROOF OR CONSEQUENCES...

Some weeks ago, we shared the story of Mrs. Jarlsberg's quest to apply for Social Security, and the "entirely random" selection of her name as a possible fraud case, forcing her to report to the local office with every piece of legal identification she'd ever been issued. After a torturous DMV-style wait in what AOC would surely call a concentration camp, the authorities ultimately agreed that she was who she claimed to be, but still rejected her claim until such time as her husband was also a ward of the state.

So we filled out our application online and hit the send button. Several weeks passed, at which point we were told by the Social Security Administration that our name had also been "entirely randomly" selected as another possible fraud case. What a crazy and entirely unsuspicious coincidence!

So now, we'll have to make another trip to that bureaucratic hellhole to prove our identity. And this in a country where illegals get free driver's licenses and tax refunds without actually filing. We haven't yet been told when we need to appear before the tribunal, but we've already got a darn good looking birth certificate ready to present...