The Land of the Free and the Home of Depraved

These are hard times for satire. After all, the whole idea is to take something and exaggerate it to humorous extremes in order to make a point. But some things just can't be made more extreme or ludicrous than they already are.

Case in point: we have now learned that in the 56 million dollar mansion of pedophile (and likely murder victim) Jeffrey Epstein, there was a large painting of Bill Clinton seductively reclining in a blue dress and red high heels, while pointing his stink finger directly at the viewer.

To say this is troubling is a considerable understatement. Is the painting mocking Clinton and, if so, why? Or is the painting a straight up representation of Clinton's perversion behind closed doors, and a celebration of some weird psycho-sexual bond between the two men?

We may not know art, but we know what makes us want to throw up.

SQUEEZE PLAY

Autopsy results are in for Jeffrey Epstein, and they aren't going to do anything to reduce the conspiracy theories surrounding the abrupt death of this odious pimp to the powerful. Specifically, the autopsy showed that a number of bones were broken in Epstein's neck, a condition which is more consistent with death by strangulation than by hanging.

As damning as this sounds, doctors say it's theoretically possible Epstein could have broken the bones in his neck with a makeshift noose if he threw himself off the prison cell's top bunk with enough force. Assuming, of course, that the top bunk was about 12 feet off the ground. And had a diving board.

Happily, Epstein's mysterious death is being thoroughly investigated, and we'll eventually learn more when the broken bones in Epstein's neck can be forensically compared with the broken bones soon to be found in the investigators' necks.

Corn Chip On His Shoulder

Maybe he didn't hear you. Try asking louder a few dozen times.

Considering the gravity of the news in recent days, it's good to sit back and simply enjoy a back-to-basics story in which a self-centered liberal makes a complete asshole of himself in public.

In this instance, we're referring to CNN Anchor (side note: why would a sinking ship need an anchor?) Chris Cuomo, who is the brother of New York Governor Andrew Cuomo, the son of former New York Governor Mario Cuomo, and the grandson of mellow voiced, coma-inducing singer Perry Cuomo.

Captured on a now-viral cellphone video, Cuomo completely lost his marbles and started screaming obscenities at a man who called him "Fredo." For those unfamiliar with the term, it was apparently the name of a disappointingly weak character who let everyone down in one of the most famous and critically acclaimed movie trilogies of all time.

We refer, of course, to Fredo Baggins, who lost his nerve and failed to throw the One Ring into the fire of Mount Doom after Sauron made him an offer he couldn't refuse.

In any event, Cuomo howled that the name "Fredo" when applied to an Italian-American is every bit as offensive as using the n-word ("nutjob"). With veins protruding from his neck, the alleged newsman then proceeded to roar "no punk ass bitches from the right call me Fredo!" and added that he was going to "fuck up the shit" of the offender, and then "fucking throw you down the stairs like a fucking punk."

Clearly, "eloquence" isn't Chris Cuomo's middle name. Not that it would matter, because from now on this douchebag's middle name is "Fredo."

LUCAS HEMBREE UPDATE

I'm gratified to say that the fundraising effort to help the family of Lucas Hembree has gone very well. Thanks to the generosity of many people, it only took 24 hours to reach the immediate goal of $10,000 to pay for medical bills and hospice care for this remarkable boy. More importantly, the Hembree family has received an overwhelming outpouring of love and support at this unimaginably difficult time.

Although the goal for immediate needs has been met, donations are still accepted and encouraged. I've updated the contact information in my previous post: you can now donate at the GoFundMe page, or click a link to donate through Paypal, or send a check (or a card or letter of support) by mail.

On a personal note, let me say how humbled and gratified I am to see the response this campaign has gotten. I write "Stilton's Place" as a labor of love - not because I love the news or working for free, but because I love the way all of you constantly remind an old cynic that there is a lot of good in this world. And for that, I very sincerely thank you.   -Stilton

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Here's How To Contribute:

Click on this link to go to Lucas's GoFundMe page.  Note that GoFundMe automatically adds a "tip/service fee" but you can change the amount. I generally give them a dollar for being the intermediary.

If you'd prefer to send a check rather than doing an online transaction, it can go to Chester or Jennifer Hembree, 1454 Mimosa Drive, Louisville, TN 37777.

If you'd like to have the convenience and security of paying online with Paypal, you can do that by clicking this link. (Note: the page at this link will show how much money has been raised on Paypal, but does not show the total from the GoFundMe page. It's still 100% legit!)

And here's a message from the Hembree family to all of us here at Stilton's Place: "Thank you so much for supporting our sweet boy!! It means the world to us and we will forever be grateful!!"

Big Brother is Suicide Watching You

OH MY GOD! Pedophile billionaire (and pimp to the powerful) Jeffrey Epstein was found dead in his jail cell of apparent "suicide!" Who could have possibly predicted this?!

Well, pretty much everyone. Since the day Epstein was tossed in the hoosegow, his impending "suicide" has been the source of endless jokes and memes. After all, the guy had damning information about a lot of very powerful people...people who didn't want Epstein to start naming names in an effort to reduce his prison sentence.

Topping the list of those who could conceivably be harmed by Epstein's testimony were the Clintons, who have so much experience at cleaning up unwanted messes that the term "Arkancide" is widely accepted by medical examiners as an official cause of death. Bill Clinton is said to have repeatedly flown on Epstein's private jet, the "Lolita Express," to what the locals called "Orgy Island" or "Pedophile Island." In some instances, Bill Clinton gave the Secret Service the slip before boarding the jet so he could spend time on the island without witnesses. Which, in retrospect, may be fortunate for those Secret Service agents.

Of course, it's possible that a despondent Jeffrey Epstein really did decide to take his own life, and managed to do so using makeshift materials which shouldn't have been in his possession only days after being taken off of suicide watch. And it's possible that it was only a coincidence that he was assigned to a cell with no cellmate despite it being a violation of standard procedure. And that, by greater coincidence, the 24 hour security cameras weren't pointed into Epstein's cell, but only aimed at the hallway outside. And, by really wild coincidence, that Epstein chose to make his move at the exact time that the two guards who were supposed to be regularly checking on him decided not to.

Attorney General William Barr has announced that there will be a full and rigorous investigation of the circumstances surrounding Epstein's death which (and you read it here first) will not reveal diddly squat. Either because money and power have covered the trail, or because the investigators don't want to find themselves inside chalk outlines.

A REQUEST FOR HELP

I try not to ask readers for anything except in rare circumstances, and this is one of those times.

For years, I've been personally moved and inspired by young Lucas Hembree, his dog Juno, and his wonderful family. Sadly, Lucas is now in the final days of an incurable illness, he's in hospice, and Medicaid has chosen this spectacularly bad moment to cut off funds for his remaining medical expenses.

The family's needs are modest, and I hope some of you can send a few dollars to his GoFundMe campaign to help out. And for those who can't, please keep Lucas and his family in your thoughts and prayers.    -Stilton

UPDATE - ADDITIONAL WAYS TO GIVE

The fundraising is going great and there are now more options for giving.

If you'd prefer to send a check rather than doing an online transaction, it can go to Chester or Jennifer Hembree, 1454 Mimosa Drive, Louisville, TN 37777.

If you'd like to have the convenience and security of paying online with Paypal, you can do that by clicking this link. (Note: the page at this link will show how much money has been raised on Paypal, but does not show the total from the GoFundMe page. It's still 100% legit!)

And here's a message from the Hembree family to all of us here at Stilton's Place: "Thank you so much for supporting our sweet boy!! It means the world to us and we will forever be grateful!!"