Holiday Put On Ice

"Columbus Day" is now widely called "Indigenous Peoples Day," and even more widely called "White Shame Day" because so few people can spell indigenous. In celebration of the day, liberal scolds will berate their fellow citizens for the unforgivable sin of stealing the heritage of native Americans...after which those same scolds will hurry off to an Elizabeth Warren rally.

Which shouldn't come as any surprise - after all, "Indignant-est People Day" is all about hypocrisy...

BONUS: DASHES TO ASHES

Just to make sure no one forgets their enthusiasm for fascism, House democrats like John Garamendi and Rashida Tlaib are now actively planning the logistics of grabbing "uncooperative" members of the Trump administration and throwing them into the House jail if they don't help with the ongoing coup attempt.

The existence of this mysterious prison was confirmed last May by Nancy Pelosi, who said "We do have a little jail in the basement of the Capitol, but if we were arresting all of the people in the administration, we would have an overcrowded jail situation. And I'm not for that."

Note that she's not against clapping her political enemies in jail without due process...she's just against overcrowding. Which may not be a problem depending on just what comes out of the nozzles in the shower room.

Fighting Fire with Firepower

Daniel Henninger of the Wall Street Journal has accurately labeled the current impeachment battle "World War Trump," and there's no way we can improve on that description...or deny it. Wars are messy things, and a lot of people and institutions get hurt. Collateral damage can be high. And all of the above is exactly what the Leftist politicians and media want.

President Trump has made it clear that he's not going to just roll over and assist the Democrats with their latest coup attempt. This fight is going to the courts and, quite possibly, the streets.

We're sick of it. This isn't what we want to write about or to live with. But neither can we ignore an absolutely unprecedented situation in which an attempted Presidential overthrow is being staged right in front of us.

And just try averting your eyes...you can't. Our culture is now experiencing a saturation bombing campaign of entirely specious non-stop messages about Trump being some kind of monster. Fox News and the Drudge Report have now largely fallen into lock step with the rest of mainstream media, which only adds to our sense of frustration and isolation.

We're not calling out these "news" sources because they're reporting stories we don't like, we're calling them out because their stories are all overhyped spin and bullshit. No wonder polls are showing growing support for the removal of the President - people are being force fed lies on a 24/7 basis. Without taking the initiative to dig deeper into stories or (God help us) actually use their heads, it's unsurprising that so many are coming to believe the relentless propaganda.

Make no mistake, this is much more than a skirmish over a President. It's a battle about the very nature of our Constitution, our freedoms, our way of life, and whether or not elections will ever again mean a damn in this country. The fact that those outcomes are currently unclear underscores what a perilous and historic point we're at.

There's simply no escaping "World War Trump," although we have a fantasy about a place safe from fake news, social media, and the ambitions of those who mean our nation harm. Some place to enjoy a little sanity until the fallout clears...

And please, slap them hard. 

You're Getting Warmer

We're still sick of the impeachment story (although it's really heating up), we don't know enough about foreign affairs to opine intelligently on the situation in Syria, and although the Drudge Report had a promising story headlined "STUDY: Farmers Have The Most Sex," we didn't think we could build a whole blog post out of it. Well, we could - but we'd take a sleazy approach and we don't really want to honk off people who use pitchforks professionally.

So in the interest of filling space, we're presenting you with a taste of an actual book project we submitted to our New York literary agent back in 2007: "100 Good Things About Global Warming." She turned it down immediately, said that the subject wasn't funny, shouldn't be joked about, and stopped sending us Christmas cards. Oops!

Frankly, we still like the idea and might self-publish the book someday if we get really bored. Every page would be richly illustrated, sane people would get a much-needed laugh out of it, and that pissy little Greta Thunberg would probably try to strangle us with her braids.

Back in 2007, it wasn't "climate change" yet.

• Penguins discover that when they're not shivering, they can fly after all.

• Kids can lay on their backs and make "dead grass angels" in the yard.

• Eskimos will be warm enough to rub a lot more than noses.

• Iceland will be renamed simply "Land."

• Avalanches will only bury people up to their ankles.

• The Abominable Snowman will become just another abominable guy.

• Never again hear the phrase: "Your food is getting cold."

• Eskimos' 39 different words for snow can be replaced with the single word "puddle."

• Debate over whether any two snowflakes are identical comes to an end.

• Jack Frost stops nipping at your nose, switches to spying on you in your swimsuit.

• Santa's elves can take off their heavy coats and go back to being leprechauns.

• With no need to hibernate, bears finally catch up on chores they've been "meaning to get to."

• "Seeing your breath" becomes clear evidence of a hygiene problem.

• New holiday TV specials like "The Sunscreen That Saved Christmas."

• Unemployed Saint Bernards start bringing rum to those "buried in paperwork."

• Never wince again when someone says "Ant-ar-tic" instead of "Ant-arc-tic."

• Hottentots will simply be called "Tots."

• Hawaii tourism booms with slogan "It's Too Hot To Wear Our Grass Skirts."

• Plenty of hot water for shower, no matter which knob you turn.

• Brass monkeys lose their fear of winter.

• "Baked Alaska" promoted from dessert to state motto.

...and on and on and on. Yes, there really are 100 of these entries and now that we're reading them again for the first time in years, maybe we should consider that whole self-publishing thing. After all, it would really annoy those hysterical voices of doom on the Left...and that would be the best "good thing about global warming" of all!

Note: All of the above is ©2019 by Stilton Jarlsberg. 

Never steal things from a crazy man.