Trials and Tribulations

In all seriousness, today we'll find out if we're being called in for jury duty here in the great state of Texas, where we've Made Capital Punishment Great Again.

On two previous occasions, we've almost served. During questioning for the first, we were asked if we'd had any negative experiences with lawyers and, because we were under oath, we had to testify truthfully that we'd been lied to and screwed by pretty much every lawyer we'd ever met, with the exception of our maternal grandfather whose tombstone accurately describes him as the "Last Honest Lawyer." Oddly, we were dismissed.

The next time, we were actually seated in the jury box and ready to go...but the defendant took one look at the 12 good and true citizens waiting to pass judgment, perhaps noticing the tiny bit of anticipatory drool on our personal chin, and decided to cop a plea with no testimony.

Whether we make the final cut this time remains to be seen, but per the cartoon above, we really do wonder if lawyers should ask potential jurors whether they've been watching the Schiff hearings. Because if they have, they'll either have a complete misunderstanding of how justice is supposed to work, or they'll know exactly how justice is supposed to work but will have come to the conclusion that the system is too corrupt to actually function.

Still, we believe in the jury system and won't do anything to get out of doing our duty. Because first and foremost, this is a nation of rights...and if we weasel out of serving, we'll lose our precious right to bitch about the cesspool of modern Justice.

Paradoxxing

Unlike Schiff, we believe in presenting evidence to back up our accusations - so here's the article in which Schiff's loopy logic is neatly laid out. And that's really all we have to say about this fool's parade for now, which brings us to...

Lacking the will to fool with any other "news" stories today, we're just going to reel off some random thoughts and musings. Hey, that's why it's called "casual Friday!"

OK, BOOMER

Today was one of those days when we were reminded that we're growing older and are already way out of warranty. For starters, we had to go in for our regular hearing aid tune-up. This involved going to the service provider and handing our hearing aids to the pleasant young lady at the front desk, after which she told us to...uh...well, we don't know what she told us because we didn't have our freaking hearing aids in, but she was gesturing at a waiting room chair so we sat and listened to the shrieking tea kettle whistling of our tinnitus. Whee.

Perhaps 10 minutes later, the hearing aids were brought back, showroom fresh, minus all of the earwax that had accumulated inside (the wax, incidentally, will be donated to homeless bees). And soon we were on our way, once again making believe that we're not deaf as a post.

Upon returning home, we were greeted with the exciting news that our local pharmacy had finally received a supply of shingles vaccine - but only enough for 20 doddering oldsters, and it would go to whoever got there first.

So we flew out the door and had soon received the shingles shot ($160 and not covered by Medicare) and a "senior strength" flu shot with quadruple the irritants that everyone else gets. So now we can look forward to enjoying radiant good health as soon as BOTH our arms stop hurting like sumbitches.

TRUE TO FORMS

Last week we shared that the IRS was fining us $5000 because we submitted an information form (related to our personal retirement account) four months late. We appealed, and the IRS has been sending letters for over six months to say they haven't gotten to it yet. Hey, what are missed deadlines between friends, right?

The day after we posted the story on this page, we got yet another letter from them saying it would be another two months at the earliest before they could respond...but it was okay if we wanted to pay the fine now to decrease the rapidly accruing interest. Uh, no thanks.

WASH OUT

We also bitched about, er, shared an update on "Stilton's Palsy" last week. Readers had many helpful suggestions, including switching to a liquor brand which isn't purchased in barrels by people in the embalming industry. But another frequently mentioned tip was to try sleeping with a bar of soap at the end of the bed (technically a remedy for leg cramps, but what the heck). So we gave it a try and, astoundingly, it was no help at all.

Still, it pointed us in an exciting new direction, and we'll now be putting strange objects by our feet every night while looking for that elusive cure. Because, dammit, that's how science works.

Blush to Judgment (Weds Nov 13, 2019)

(Note: this post went "live" a bit early and says Tuesday, but it is the Wednesday post!)

Today sees the kickoff of the Adam Schiff Show, which we're deeply looking forward to not watching. Ever. For any reason.

Schiff is expected to open each installment with a comedic "parody" opening monologue, followed by telling the TV audience about the exciting roster of guests who will be grilled on the show, after which he'll mime a golf swing and signal the band to play jazzily into the first commercial break.

In this inquiry, which the press is happily and erroneously calling actual "impeachment hearings," all legal standards of what constitutes legitimate evidence have been thrown into a woodchipper, and neither President Trump nor the Republicans are allowed to offer any defense whatsoever. Apparently Mr. Schiff is using the legal playbook from the Salem witch trials, which is ironic considering that his googly eyes alone would have been enough for him to get torched back then ("He looked at my cows and they dried up, my crops withered and died, and my wife gave birth to a changeling with beady peepers!")

We're sure that the Adam Schiff Show will get plenty of press and news coverage, which will be handy for anyone who wants to hear more about it. Because we'll be damned if we're going to say any more about it unless we absolutely have to.

BONUS: SAN FRANSHITSCO

As another reminder of how screwed up liberals are, San Francisco has just elected a new district attorney whose pedigree and platform are flat out astounding.

Chesa Boudin (sadly not heir to a cajun sausage fortune) is the son of two members of the infamous Weather Underground domestic terror group. When Boudin was still only a toddler terrorist, his parents were packed off to prison for using bombs to murder policemen - which may well be the precipitating incident which made young Chesa dedicate his life to screwing up law enforcement.

Boudin was then raised in Chicago by the violently antisocial ringleaders of the Weather Underground - Bill Ayers and Bernardine Dohrn. For anyone who doesn't remember, it was in the living room of Bill Ayers that a young man with a dream (well, the dreams of his father and ghostwriter), Barack Obama, kicked off his ambitious and eventually successful attempt to screw up America and get policemen killed.

Fast forward to the present, and the festering stinkhole that is San Francisco, where candidate Chesa Boudin promised voters that if he was made District Attorney, he would make sure that no one was prosecuted for pooping or peeing on the sidewalks, that no one would be hassled for offering or soliciting sex, and that there would be no enforcement attempts to keep people from setting up tents or cardboard box hovels wherever they like. And the other candidates were so bad that this second generation terrorist/scatologist actually won on that platform.

He'll soon be starting his important job of law non-enforcement and hobbling the work of street cops, but we'd first like to ask him about an apparent inconsistency in his plans. He's making sure that San Francisco's sidewalks will be contaminated with even more pee and poop...but also encouraging the homeless to sleep on those sidewalks. If Donald Trump is responsible for the comfort and hygiene of illegal immigrants at the border, shouldn't D.A. Boudin be encouraging people not to take huge steaming craps on the beds of the homeless?

Frankly, this D.A.'s agenda sounds D.O.A to us.