Throne for a Loop

There wasn't much to laugh about yesterday when Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi officially declared war on the 63 million Americans who voted for Donald Trump in the last election. She did so by making it clear that the House of Representatives will indeed vote to impeach the President, because - according to Nancy's tortured logic - it's the only way to prevent him from becoming King.

Which is why we enjoyed the delicious irony when Cory "Spartacus" Booker chose the same day to introduce the CROWN Act - a bill which would outlaw (wait for it!) race based hair discrimination.

Booker's "Create a Respectful and Open World for Natural Hair" (CROWN) Act targets discrimination against hairstyles identified with a particular race, including specific hair textures (the word "kinky" will still be okay to describe fetishes but not follicles) and will protect styles such as "braids, twists or locs." Locs being, apparently, hair locks that are spelled without a "k" in order to stick it to The Man.

If the bill passes, no hair will ever again be forced to go to the back of the head, nor will bigoted bosses be able to ask certain employees why they have giant salad forks sticking out of their coiffures. Additionally, all hair can finally come out of the closet and enjoy full and equal rights without having to pretend to be "straight."

Unfortunately, Senator Booker's bill does nothing to comfort those of us whose hair is standing on end over the Democrats' reckless and lawless attempt to subvert the Constitution and overthrow the government.

But perhaps that can be rectified with a liberal (pun intended) application of Head & Shoulders...on a chopping block.

BONUS: JERRY RIGGED

Of course, Jerry Nadler's fact-free impeachment inquiry is still barreling along. And yes, the excremental exclamation cited below (in panel one) is an actual quote. Keep it classy, Congressman.

Bugging Out

To the surprise of absolutely no one, Democrat Kamala Harris has dropped out of the presidential race. Harris had previously complained that she couldn't get traction because voters weren't willing to support a "strong woman of color." Which is another way of saying that she believes Democrat voters are sexist and racist - the only point she made on the campaign trail that we can't disagree with.

FLASHBACK (EMPHASIS ON "FLASH") - August 4, 2014

With Joe Biden's swimming memories in the news ("I got hairy legs where the hair turns blond in the sun, and the kids would reach into the pool to rub that hair..."), it seemed a good time to share this memory from five years ago...

According to the new book "First Family Detail," vice president Joe Biden enjoys swimming in the nude - much to the disgust and dismay of his female Secret Service agents, many of whom will never again be able to eat a vienna sausage.

"Little Joe," the appendage which is only a heartbeat away from being the leader of the free world, is frequently turned loose in the waters of the vice presidential residence in Washington DC, at Biden's home in Delaware, and other bodies of water which present a target of opportunity.

Sure, this sounds like no big deal - but consider this: on July 24th, Biden went to Ohio to give a speech. Now 400,000 Ohio residents are without drinking water because something (or someone) toxic got into the water supply. Coincidence? We think not.

Until further notice, residents are being told not to brush their teeth using the water, not to let children bathe in it, and not to let pets drink it. And considering that most pets spend a lot of their free time licking their private regions, that says a lot.

Hope n' Change sincerely hopes that the veep will reconsider what he considers "see-worthy" in the future and don appropriate swimwear.

Until then, our hearts and support go out to the brave female Secret Service agents whose blood runs cold every time they hear Uncle Joe shout "Thar she blows!"

Secret Service agents shouldn't have to throw themselves on this.

The Tooth Hurts

Soon to be a delightful children's book!

Help came in a most unexpected form last Friday, when a knife-wielding terrorist on London Bridge was repeatedly jabbed with a five foot narwhal tusk - keeping him busy until police could arrive on scene to end the incident with a highly satisfying use of boomsticks.

For many people, this has raised serious questions like "what the hell is a narwhal" and "how soon can we get more of them on the streets?"

Per the illustration, a narwhal - sometimes called "the unicorn of the sea" by people who apparently don't have any idea what a horse looks like - is a medium-sized cold water whale that has a long, pointed tusk (technically a canine tooth). And while we desperately wish we could say a narwhal suddenly leaped out of the Thames, Seaworld-style, to skewer the (ahem) "radical Islamist" and then be rewarded with some raw fish, the reality is that the tusk was pulled from a display and used as a weapon by one of two men (the other used a fire extinguisher) who ran towards danger and fought the maniac until police arrived.

We're not really expert on all the fine print in the Koran, but we'd like to think that when a terrorist is killed while being prodded with a narwhal tusk, his eternal reward will be 72 sea urchins rather than virgins.

BONUS: BIDEN SUCKS

Finalist: Creepiest Candidate Ever

We're not even going to try to say anything about this picture to make it more idiotic or repulsive than it already is. If you're looking for an explanation, well, it's Joe Biden gumming his wife's fingers for the same reason that some people climb mountains: because they were there.

The picture was taken at an event on Biden's wondrously-named "No Malarkey" tour which, hopefully, begins with an explanation of what "malarkey" means in the highly unlikely case that anyone in the crowd is below Medicare age.

Presumably, in the same tour, the eternally youthful and "with it" Uncle Joe will also be proposing newfangled ideas and no lollygagging when it comes to helping hornswoggled voters who won't put up with any more tomfoolery.