Sniff Testy

Really, John? We're all ears.

Appearing on a CNN interview, John "Swift Boat" Kerry again repeated the preposterous claim that during the Obama/Biden administration, there wasn't so much as "a whiff of scandal." Which is true in the sense that a massive cloud of stench can't really be called a "whiff."

Kerry, it should be noted, was Obama's lead negotiator in striking a "get-tough" nuclear deal with Iran which still guaranteed that the terrorist nation could build nukes, gave Iran the right to inspect its own facilities for any (ahem) treaty violations, and got airline tickets upgraded from coach to first class for the giant pallets of cash Obama sent in the dead of night.

And since Iran is very much in the news, it's worth remembering just WHY Iran wanted that $1.7 billion in cash instead of as an electronic transaction: because cash purchases can't be traced. Which is fairly important if you're planning to fund terror activities around the world, do "off the books" nuclear enrichment, or buy missiles to fire at U.S. military bases and civilian passenger jets.

But Kerry's "no whiff of scandal" claim isn't the only thing that stinks in the news...

Actress and entrepreneur Gwyneth Paltrow is selling candles called "This Smells Like My Vagina." Or we should say she was selling them, because the first run of $75 candles has already sold out, presumably to pervy customers who were no longer satisfied with their "This Smells Like Canned Cat Food" candles.

This presumably opens the door for a flood of other self-scentered liberal celebrity products: Robert De Niro's "This Smells Like My Feet" platform shoes, Joe Biden's "This Smells Like My Female Constituents" shampoo, Greta Thunberg's "This Smells Like My Stolen Childhood" lighter fluid, Stephen Colbert's "This Smells Like the Wax in My Tiny Deformed Ear" cotton swabs, Joy Behar's "This Smells Like My Loud, Sour Farts" air defreshener and, of course, Bill Clinton's "This Smells Like My Intern" cigars.

BONUS: I PUT A SMELL ON YOU

We often do multiple variations on a cartoon and then go with what we hope is the funniest one. Still, we have a fondness for today's runner-up...

Headline Noose

Yeah, it's that kind of a news cycle, with plenty of stories that just put us in a bad mood. Fortunately, there are also stories that we can genuinely celebrate, like Trump's clear victory over Iran and the reassertion of American power without the out-of-control escalation the media was clearly hoping for.

Other good news, since we so rarely report it here, includes the fact that the U.S. has just seen its largest ever single-year drop in the cancer death rate, which may or may not be due to the fact that Ruth Bader Ginsburg has just announced that she is "cancer free."

And how about the fact that the stock market is doing a happy dance following President Trump's measured remarks on the Iranian situation? That's definitely good news for the millions of Americans with retirement accounts.

Still, we've got to admit that the preponderance of "news" at the moment offers little that we can personally take cheer in...but there's a light on the horizon. On Monday, our local liquor store is having a 15% off sale on Clan MacGregor, making it roughly the same price as rubbing alcohol.

If that's not "glass half full" news, we don't know what is.

Well THIS Mega Bites

Showing considerable predictive skills, poet Robert Burns wrote, in 1785, that "the best laid plans o' mice an' men gang aft agley." And we assume that he was referring to computer mice, because that's the infernal device that has had its way with us like a brute named "Jackhammer" in the prison shower.

Oh, we began the day confidently enough, even making plans to attend a movie - an experience which is somewhat problematic for us as previously outlined in these pages. But we went anyway, reserving the wrong seats online (and dashing around at the theater to get moved to a better row). We then sensed impending trouble when the theater patron about 5 seats away started coughing phlegmatically and, when the pre-show trailers came on, guffawing loudly at the antics of some animated M&M's. Sure enough, he proved to be one of those persons who seems to believe he can affect the outcome of a film by shouting helpful advice to those onscreen.

The movie was Clint Eastwood's "Richard Jewell," a very solid and well-crafted film revolving around the events of the Atlanta Olympic bombing and the poor security guard who discovered the backpack bomb and was then blamed for it.

Eastwood handles the material fairly, and shows how the government and media can destroy an innocent person not because they're being evil, but because they're being assholes. Which, of course, we're still seeing today in a big way.

In any event, the film gets a "thumbs up" from Stilton's Place, especially if you can watch it with no Tourette's sufferers in the immediate proximity. Also, the "scope" of the film is such that it will play fine on your home television if you don't catch it in a theater.

ANYway, we got back home and prepared to write a lovely blog post and...our principle piece of software for the job was screwed beyond belief. Beyond what was even theoretically possible, bending the laws of time, space, and physics to blow a hot raspberry in our face.

We labored for hours to no avail, and decided that our only realistic course of action was to mutter an expletive, drink four (count 'em!) glasses of Clan MacGregor, and then see what we could write for today when our eyes were out of focus.

You're welcome!