Thank You for Holding!

The New Hampshire primaries are still going as we write this, so we have nothing to say about the results other than that we hope they can actually get results faster than those received from the lying dog-faced pony soldier precinct captains in Iowa.

In any event, that's why we're just sharing some general silliness today...

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One of the many, many, many things we hate about election years is the unending stream of political phone calls in which volunteers try to talk us out of our time, money, and IQ points. And frankly, we'd like to enjoy a little revenge rather than just hanging up. But, assuming you don't have an ear-piercing boat horn handy, what can you do?

Well, Jarlsberg Enterprises has just what you need! It's our new "Thank You for Holding" recording, and it works like this: when you get a political or sales call, sound very, very interested and then say "hold on just a minute while I find my charge card!" That's when you play this recording into the phone, repeating as often as necessary...

Wasn't that fun?

And now a little backstory. We're always coming up with harebrained ideas for products and projects, mostly just to amuse ourself. This is one of those. The recording above was a simple "proof of concept" for a product which would actually run about 15 minutes, have boring "on hold" music rather than the goofy tune here, and which would very slowly start working in odd messages along with the perfectly straight ones, building in insanity the longer someone listens.

Not only would this be a fun way to get rid of sales calls, but it struck us that we'd also like to be on the receiving end of something funny when an actual company puts us on endless hold. That's where there could be a potential market: customizing and selling to companies to show that they have a sense of humor and care for their customers. Or alternately, that they don't care for their customers and are just assholes. It wouldn't make any difference to us as long as we got paid!

By the way, the operator on the line isn't me...or anyone, really. We just fed the script into a computer program that spits out human sounding speech, and somehow this absurd stuff just seems funnier with a British accent. There's an American female version, too, with different jokes. We're too lazy to build another video, though (grin).

By the way, if there are any app developers reading this who want to make this concept into an annoying smartphone app which would make us mutually wealthy, make yourself known in the comments.

Or give us a call...

From The Vault: Filmy Residue

We're taking the day off, but still wanted to share this old post about our (ahem) "enthusiasm" for the Academy Awards...
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Please tell us you recognize Oscar Wilde...

Sunday sees the annual return of the biggest alleged event in entertainment: the Oscars, wherein the creme de la creme of Hollywood glitterati will be honored for their latest and greatest achievements in hastening the decline of Western civilization.

Along with the awarding of golden statuettes which probably won't be used as sex toys, viewers can look forward to being scolded about the sin of seeing women as sexual objects by women whose actual sexual objects are bursting out of their designer gowns.

There will also likely be more than a few stern words spoken (accompanied by tears after plucking out a nostril hair offscreen) condemning guns by thespians who make millions by pretending to shoot dozens of blood-geysering people onscreen, then retreat to their mansions surrounded by heavily armed guards.

Politics aside, we suppose there might be some recognition of actual artistic merit, but we don't actually care because we haven't seen any of the nominated pictures. Why? Because the whole experience of visiting movie theaters sucks these days.

The prices are insane, there are always going to be 2 or 3 trailers which attack conservative values, and audiences have no concept of how to put their smartphones away and - oh yeah! - shut the hell up while the movie is playing.

Seriously, people who annoy us in movie theaters bring out homicidal tendencies which we're usually pretty good at suppressing. Which is why we weren't entirely without sympathy when reading the recent story of a woman, Shameeka Latrice Lynch, who attended a showing of "Black Panther" and got into an argument with another patron about who had the right to an assigned seat.  When rhetoric failed to resolve the issue, Shameeka hauled a pistol out of her purse and fired a round into the theater's ceiling.

But here's what bothers us: in all of the news stories about this regrettable incident, no one has reported whether or not it was actually her damn seat. Frankly, if some dirtbag was squatting in her reserved seat and refused to move, we think she's got a case.

In any event, this is why we wait for films to reach streaming outlets where we can enjoy them in the peace and quiet of our own homes, except when gunplay erupts over who'll get the best seat. And very rarely, we've even been known to venture out to the local Dollar Cinema (we're a lot more receptive to most movies when we're not out $30 before the show even starts) for the earliest showing on a weekday. Not only are the theaters mostly empty, but the few attendees tend to be retired folks who have the courtesy to either stay silent or simply fall asleep while gumming their popcorn.

So good luck to Hollywood, and may they enjoy their big night and the drug-fueled, sex-crazed parties afterwards. Most of which would probably make for more entertaining viewing than the dreck which actually hits the silver screens.

The Rhett Butler Memorial Dam.

2020 UPDATE: You know that dollar theater we mentioned above? It was "improved" by putting in stupid reclining seats that you have to reserve online, and we're now out of ways to see anything in a theater that Hollywood bothers to vomit in our direction for under $30. We're hoping that following the 2020 election, President Trump can Make Movies Cheap Again.

Window of Opportunity

There's been a lot of news in the last 48 hours, much of which has been absolutely delightful. Topping the list, the U.S. Senate fully acquitted President Donald Trump of the impeachment charges leveled against him by out of control (and beneath contempt) Democrats.

Not that this will really put an end to the animosities in Washington. In fact, everything has been turned up to 11, and we're now seeing (and enjoying!) bareknuckled open warfare between Trump and the Democrats.

As a case in point, following the President's outstanding and inspirational State of the Union address, Nancy Pelosi made a point of holding the pages of the speech aloft and tearing them to pieces...

Not that this hateful gesture made any real impact on Trump...

And so life moves on, with the Democrats now trying to subpoena John Bolton in hopes of starting new impeachment proceedings, and Republicans looking deeper into the Biden family's corruption scandals. Guess which one we think is more likely to pay off?

BONUS: GLASS HALF FOOL

No, you're still just an asshole.