Feeling the Bernski

For once, we can't fault his logic

A couple of funny things happened recently, just after the mainstream media's latest round of unsubstantiated accusations that Russia is interfering in our election process by (ahem) "again" supporting Donald Trump.

First, it turned out that Russia is actually interfering by trying to help Bernie Sanders' campaign. Second, Bernie had a surprisingly (indeed, almost suspiciously) large primary win in Nevada thanks to a large plurality of vodka-scented voters.

Of course, the mainstream media is now calling Bernie's win a fake and a fraud, and American intelligence agencies are planting spies in the Sanders' campaign team and opening multiple investigations with an eye towards prison sentences for Comrade Bernie and all of his co-conspirators.

Just kidding! That's what was done to Donald Trump! Instead, Bernie's campaign was politely informed of the possible Russian interference (a courtesy never extended to Trump), after which Bernie blustered publicly that he doesn't want that kind of help and that there will be "big trouble" if the Russians don't cut it out "right after election day."

In other Sanders-related news, once again there's proof of the old political adage: "As goes Danny DeVito, so goes Dick Van Dyke." The beloved (and that definitely includes our feelings for him) 94 year old comic actor has recently been featured in a Youtube campaign ad to address concerns about the wild-haired socialist's advanced age...

Oh, Rob...!

The ad was a little vague about what exactly Bernie will do for people in Mr. Van Dyke's age bracket, but it is thought that in lieu of actual healthcare, President Sanders will send caseworkers to the homes of oldsters "to move those damn ottomans that are so easy to trip over."

Clowns To The Far Left Of Me

Wednesday's Democratic debate was a political cuisinart which pureed the remaining candidates into a delicious smoothie for Donald Trump to sip at his leisure.

The six candidates took turns bashing each other and saying absolutely horrible things, all of which - for a pleasant change - were true. Everyone hated Bloomberg for his wealth and his actual history of getting some good things done as mayor of New York, all of which he's now renounced (the accomplishments, not his apparently endless supply of money).

Elizabeth Warren, apparently too full of firewater, swung her tomahawk at everyone. Bernie Sanders had steam blowing out of his ears when Bloomberg called him a millionaire with three houses and, just for good measure, policies that amount to communism. Pete Buttigieg and Amy Klobuchar attacked each other in a desperate bid to prove that each wasn't the lamest candidate on stage - an effort which both won when they noticed that Joe Biden was, inexplicably, still in the debates.

The DNC can't be happy about this public display of disorganization, non-unity, and whatever the hell the opposite of "charisma" is. It's a bit too early to call, but it's looking more and more likely that the Democrats will end up with a brokered convention in which the eventual candidate is selected rather than elected.

And we don't want to say who that candidate will be, but we think we can hear her having a coughing spell just offstage.

The Road to Hell is Paved

Barack Obama has churned social media (and sent President Trump into another tweet storm) thanks to this absolutely ludicrous post...

That's right, the a**hole is trying to take credit for the Trump economy by simply throwing down a Big Lie and trusting America's demonstrable history-related  amnesia to let him get away with it. But as the saying goes, "Pepperidge Farm remembers...and so do people who were scarred by 8 years of the Worst Frigging President Ever." Which is why we know that he signed the (ha!) Recovery Act eleven years ago...and it was declared a complete failure only one year later (and every year thereafter). 

To prove this point, let's climb into our convenient time machine...

(10/24/2009)


A White House economist has released a news bulletin for the millions of Americans waiting for Obama's $787 billion dollar "stimulus package" to start doing something to help them: "it's already over." If you blinked, you missed it.

Despite unprecedented (and unsecured) government spending, 49 of 50 states continued to bleed jobs as unemployment levels soared to new highs. Put another way, the "stimulus" didn't stimulate squat. Meanwhile, the Whitehouse continues to claim that the stimulus package saved millions of imaginary jobs that "might have been lost but weren't," and also deflected giant asteroids that "could have struck the Earth but didn't."

(10/15/2010)


If it's true that a sucker is born every minute, Barack Obama is not only the "man of the hour," he's quite possibly either the biggest sucker...or biggest con-artist...of the century.

How else to explain his recent admission that "there's no such thing as a shovel-ready project," after spending nearly a trillion taxpayer dollars on these figments of his imagination?

While disappointed to admit that investing in non-existent shovel-ready jobs was perhaps the most expensive financial blunder in history, the president has a number of solid fallback plans with which to bolster the U.S. economy.

He's directed Michelle Obama and "those fat kids" to plant money trees in the White House garden... Obamacare dental clinics are collecting teeth to put under the president's pillow for the tooth fairy... and a nationwide search is taking place for geese which lay golden eggs (although there's concern that members of the president's party may immediately kill them to get the "gold inside.")

And as for the $800 billion spent on shovels, well...they'll soon be used to bury the political careers of a lot of Democrats.

(07/06/2011)


Like Democrats, dogs have a very limited list of possible solutions for all problems. For Democrats, it's demagoguery or tax and spend. For dogs, it's taking a nap or licking themselves. And in many cases, the dogs' options are not only more effective, but trillions of dollars cheaper.

As a case in point, Obama's Council of Economic Advisors just released their report on the president's stimulus bill...apparently unaware (wink-wink, nudge-nudge) that with all of the 4th of July parades, celebrations, and fireworks, and with all the conservative commentators on vacation, their findings would escape close scrutiny.

Obama's own experts found that the government spent $278,000 of taxpayer money for every job "created or saved." Meaning we could have just hired 2.7 million street sweepers for $100,000 each...and we would not only have saved $427 billion dollars, but we'd have streets so clean you could eat off them. Or in this economy, sleep in them.

But the report also notes that the number of jobs "created or saved" by the president's use of a monetary fire hose has recently declined from 2.7 million to 2.4 million...meaning that in the past 6 months, the "stimulus" has actually caused 288,000 people to lose their jobs. And experts speculate that our economy would now be hiring at a faster rate if no stimulus had ever been passed.

But at least spending all of that money felt really good for the president (and surely felt pretty good to all the politically connected types who actually received the money).

Still, for the future of our country, we think the president should replace his current economic advisers with dogs.  

And perhaps take up yoga.