Muh, Muh, Muh, My Corona

Today we're putting politics aside to speak about a genuinely serious issue: the continuing spread of Covid-19 (which we'll also call coronavirus, like everyone else does). First and foremost, we want to emphasize that this is not the time to panic!

(ding!)

Okay, now it's time! Well, not to actually panic - but to take the whole situation seriously enough that you start making some preparations while it's still easy to do so. But first, let's define what we're likely preparing for: not the apocalypse, not zombies walking in the streets, and not the collapse of society. No, those are the things that will happen if Bernie Sanders becomes president.

And here's some good news: even if you get the virus, the odds are wildly in favor of you surviving it. At least, the first time you get it (the next time may cause heart failure, because why the hell not?). But up to 20% of people will get pneumonia which may require hospital treatment, and 3% or more will Bite the Big One which, surprisingly, is not Pete Buttigieg's campaign slogan.

Now here's the bad news: it's a virtual certainty at this point that the virus cannot be contained, and it will be coming to your community. And it's a tricky little bastard! Covid-19 is wildly infectious and can be transmitted from touching infected surfaces or even breathing virus-contaminated air. The virus can be spread by people who are entirely asymptomatic, meaning that they will look, feel, and believe themselves to be healthy as they happily spread an illness which has a 1 in 33 chance of killing the people they interact with. Which also means that you could personally become a "spreader" without knowing it initially, because the virus can remain dormant (but infectious) for up to 24 days (don't believe the 14 day number you've heard - it's wrong, and a lot of people are being released from quarantine way too soon).

Hopefully, effective treatments and even a vaccine will become available - but don't bet on that happening before you suddenly find yourself in a "hot zone" (as is happening in more and more places worldwide. Imagine the surprise Italian villagers felt when they suddenly found their roads blocked by armed soldiers). Rather, we're all likely to be faced with an extended time in which social isolation (voluntary or compulsory) and supply chain disruption (seen the stock market the last couple of days? Yowsah!) is an uncomfortable new norm.

Which is why we're recommending that you (yes you!) lay in some supplies now which could get you through 2-4 weeks. We're assuming that regular utilities will continue to function, so we're really talking about food, emergency medical supplies, stocking up on prescription medications, toilet paper, paper towels and such. Bleach, cleaning wipes, and Purell will come in handy, too.

And booze. Lots of booze. Clan MacGregor, for instance, can be used to disinfect surfaces or as a germicidal to cleanse wounds. And, in event of a real emergency, you can even drink it!

And that's about all we're going to say about Covid-19 for now, because if we haven't convinced you yet to lay in at least a few supplies, we're not likely to change your mind. We will, however, point you to one of the online sources of information we've been following, which has proved accurate, ahead of the curve, and neither falsely inflammatory nor comforting in their daily updates over the past weeks:

Be safe out there, folks! And take comfort from the fact that large gatherings of people (like political conventions) are likely to soon fall out of fashion.

DISCLAIMER: As always, I reserve the right to be wrong - and in this case, I hope I am!

ON THE BRIGHTER SIDE

Readers of this blog will recognize the name of young Lucas Hembree, a terminally ill boy who we've followed online for years, and who has received donations from some of you generous folks. We have a simple request which can make a big impact on the Hembree family.

Lucas is about to have his 13th birthday...an age doctors didn't think he'd reach. And to celebrate, his parents are hoping that they'll get a lot of birthday cards. Cards that Lucas can enjoy on his special day, and which will eventually be a comforting family memorial. You can read a full newspaper story about it here. 

Lucas isn't really verbal at this point, so cards with fun, colorful pictures are best, as are those which make sounds. (Helpful hint: you can get absolutely fine cards at your local dollar store)

Please send cards to:

Lucas Hembree

1454 Mimosa Drive

Louisville, TN 37777

BONUS: FROM THE VAULT

Since we've been a bit light on humor today, we thought we'd revisit this cartoon from a previous disease scare...

Feeling the Bernski

For once, we can't fault his logic

A couple of funny things happened recently, just after the mainstream media's latest round of unsubstantiated accusations that Russia is interfering in our election process by (ahem) "again" supporting Donald Trump.

First, it turned out that Russia is actually interfering by trying to help Bernie Sanders' campaign. Second, Bernie had a surprisingly (indeed, almost suspiciously) large primary win in Nevada thanks to a large plurality of vodka-scented voters.

Of course, the mainstream media is now calling Bernie's win a fake and a fraud, and American intelligence agencies are planting spies in the Sanders' campaign team and opening multiple investigations with an eye towards prison sentences for Comrade Bernie and all of his co-conspirators.

Just kidding! That's what was done to Donald Trump! Instead, Bernie's campaign was politely informed of the possible Russian interference (a courtesy never extended to Trump), after which Bernie blustered publicly that he doesn't want that kind of help and that there will be "big trouble" if the Russians don't cut it out "right after election day."

In other Sanders-related news, once again there's proof of the old political adage: "As goes Danny DeVito, so goes Dick Van Dyke." The beloved (and that definitely includes our feelings for him) 94 year old comic actor has recently been featured in a Youtube campaign ad to address concerns about the wild-haired socialist's advanced age...

Oh, Rob...!

The ad was a little vague about what exactly Bernie will do for people in Mr. Van Dyke's age bracket, but it is thought that in lieu of actual healthcare, President Sanders will send caseworkers to the homes of oldsters "to move those damn ottomans that are so easy to trip over."

Clowns To The Far Left Of Me

Wednesday's Democratic debate was a political cuisinart which pureed the remaining candidates into a delicious smoothie for Donald Trump to sip at his leisure.

The six candidates took turns bashing each other and saying absolutely horrible things, all of which - for a pleasant change - were true. Everyone hated Bloomberg for his wealth and his actual history of getting some good things done as mayor of New York, all of which he's now renounced (the accomplishments, not his apparently endless supply of money).

Elizabeth Warren, apparently too full of firewater, swung her tomahawk at everyone. Bernie Sanders had steam blowing out of his ears when Bloomberg called him a millionaire with three houses and, just for good measure, policies that amount to communism. Pete Buttigieg and Amy Klobuchar attacked each other in a desperate bid to prove that each wasn't the lamest candidate on stage - an effort which both won when they noticed that Joe Biden was, inexplicably, still in the debates.

The DNC can't be happy about this public display of disorganization, non-unity, and whatever the hell the opposite of "charisma" is. It's a bit too early to call, but it's looking more and more likely that the Democrats will end up with a brokered convention in which the eventual candidate is selected rather than elected.

And we don't want to say who that candidate will be, but we think we can hear her having a coughing spell just offstage.