It's Later Than You Thing

At the time of this writing, the results of Super Tuesday voting aren't yet available, but we'll go out on a limb and guess that Trump racked up a solid win on the Republican side, and that a huge majority of Democrats voted for an old white guy whose last name starts with a "B."

It's thought that Biden may make a striking resurgence (despite continuing gaffes like the one in the cartoon, in which he proved that some truths aren't "self-evident" after all) owing to the fact that other candidates have dropped out of the race and thrown their support behind Biden. Not because Biden has anything good to offer, but because old school Democrats will do anything to stop Bernie Sanders.

Sanders supporters are, of course, livid about this - with the memory of the DNC in general, and Hillary Clinton in particular, using every dirty trick in the book to steal the nomination from Bernie last time. His supporters are particularly upset because a 100-year-old Bernie will be too old to run again in 2024. Granted, Sanders won't actually be 100, but if these nimrods could do simple math they wouldn't be Bernie Sanders supporters, would they?

ALSO IN THE NEWS

Longtime liberal pain-in-the-butt Chris Matthews has abruptly retired from MSNBC, although reports suggest that if he hadn't resigned, he would have been fired.

The (ahem) "opinion journalist" who was famous for getting a "thrill up my leg" and "a slight tingling in my left nut" when listening to Obama speak was allegedly on the outs with MSNBC management for being "insensitive" when doing things like comparing Bernie Sanders' win in the Nevada caucuses to the Nazi invasion of France in World War II. Apparently, only Republicans are allowed to be compared to Nazis on the alleged news outlet.

Matthews also admitted to having been inadvertently and unintentionally insensitive to women over the years, having made "compliments on a woman's appearance that some men, including me, might have once incorrectly thought were OK." Because it turns out that, no matter how complimentary and positive, you can't pair any descriptive adjective with the word "knockers" anymore and get away with it.

NOT SO FOND FAREWELL

A Feather in his Crap

On the eve of Super Tuesday (which, when it's wearing glasses and working at the Daily Planet, everyone assumes is just a mild-mannered regular Tuesday), the shape of the Democratic race for the presidential nomination has changed dramatically.

For starters, billionaire and alleged candidate Tom Steyer has dropped out of the race, stunning voters from coast to coast who had no idea he was ever in the race. Even more of a shock was this announcement on Sunday...

No, we're NOT proud of this cartoon. Thanks for asking!

These dramatic developments resulted largely from Joe Biden's massive (and first in his lifetime) primary win in South Carolina, where he captured the all-important black vote by repeatedly pointing out that, unlike Bernie Sanders, he was not a Jew.

While this seems to give new momentum to Biden's campaign, the victory wasn't really all that important according to 27,000 primetime television ads paid for by Mike Bloomberg. And we certainly shouldn't count Elizabeth Warren out yet because, while she hasn't got a chance in Hell, we feel bad about our nation's sad history of stealing land from her people and giving them smallpox with infected blankets.

So we should all keep our eyes on the Super Tuesday races. Because between the spread of Covid-19 and Wall Street doing a spot-on "Oh, the humanity!" impression of the Hindenburg, we can all use a really good laugh.

Weed The People

One of the most jaw-dropping moments of Wednesday's wildly out of control Democratic debate occurred when frontrunner Bernie Sanders managed to display both his misunderstanding of capitalism and his casual racism in a single statement.

Specifically, Bernie proclaimed that "we're going to provide help to the African-American, Latino, and Native American community to start businesses to sell legal marijuana." Because, in Bernie's view, what the hell else are "those people" qualified to do? It's not like they can aspire to be doctors, electricians, lawyers, plumbers, teachers, computer programmers, or senators - right?

Plus, what red-blooded American won't be thrilled to cast a vote for the one candidate with a real plan to finally end our nation's sad shortage of drug dealers?

Shockingly, but unsurprisingly, no other Democratic candidate on the debate stage voiced any opposition to Sanders' ludicrous and offensive statement. Apparently the party which wants to perpetually keep black Americans on a plantation doesn't care that there's not much difference between picking cotton or cannabis.

BONUS: DON'T FORGET YOUR MASK

For those unfamiliar with the vernacular, a "beard" was a woman who married a gay man in order to help him pass as straight. And if she was really good at her job, she'd also keep the guy from looking like a complete daffodil when choosing bike helmets. Not that we're implying anything about the Obamas, of course.

Especially since the real point of the cartoon is the CDC's potentially life-saving announcement that men need to shave off their beards in order to get a good seal on the antiviral masks which may, or may not, help them avoid becoming infected with the soon-to-be-out-of-control coronavirus.

And while we don't yet have tremendous confidence in the CDC's ability to handle the crisis, we will admit that we were impressed by the highly detailed beard chart they created at taxpayer expense:

Seriously, who knew that facial hair came in styles called the French Fork, Chin Curtain, Balbo, Hulihee, Horseshoe, and Lampshade? And who the Hell do they think they're fooling by renaming the "Hitler" as the "Toothbrush"?!

Personally, we sport a wild and abundant ruff of white whiskers. A look which, in December, people fondly call the "Father Christmas" and the other eleven months of the year call the "creepy derelict." But the sad bottom line is that we're likely in for a close shave soon, and that "Locks of Love" will be wholly uninterested in a donation of our face pubes.

BONUS: NO WAIT, WE MEANT "BONE US"

We have never felt closer in spirit to Ned Beatty's character in "Deliverance" than when we looked at our weeping, dirt-smeared retirement investments on Thursday as they attempted to pull up their torn tighty whities.

We've been prudently stockpiling food, water, medications and more...but apparently we severely underestimated our need for the Costco-sized drum of KY Jelly.