Glass Half-Assed Full

We thought it was high time for the cartoon above, which is intended to lift the spirits of those who only see the unpleasant side of plague, famine, and the looming risk of societal collapse. Remember, every dark cloud has a silver lining - although what looks like a silver lining is frequently a lightning bolt with your name on it.

Still, we can take heart from the many examples of families who are doing just fine while under lockdown...

BONUS: SHOP AT HOME WITH MORE SPENSIVE GIFTS!

Here are some more poorly-xeroxed items from our 30 year old "Spenser Gifts" catalog parody. The longer self-isolation goes on, the more you're going to actually want to buy one or more of these items...

Crash and Bern

On Wednesday, Democratic Socialist and petulant scold Bernie Sanders announced that he was suspending his presidential campaign owing to the fact that, within the last few weeks, his entire agenda for America had been successfully realized.

"The government is emptying the prisons, spending trillions in make-believe money, and locking up churches while making sure Planned Parenthood stays open," explained Sanders. "I keep pinching myself just to be sure this isn't just some kind of wonderful dream!"

In a nod to his roots, millionaire Sanders plans to bring a number of young Jewish people to one of his three homes and turn it into a kibbitz, "Which is like a kibbutz, only I just watch everyone else work and tell them what they're doing wrong."

Presumed Democratic presidential nominee, Joe Biden, could not be reached for comment because he's farting in a bathtub and giggling about the bubbles.

UPDATE:

Although Bernie has "suspended" his campaign, he's not taking his name off the ballot in upcoming primaries, and he's not releasing the delegates he has nor the ones he might subsequently win. His goal is to head into the convention with enough clout that he can force Biden to adopt Sanders' far-left policies.

According to the Wall Street Journal,"The only thing that would make (the Sanders camp) support Mr. Biden is his agreement to meet their demands, which include endorsing the Green New Deal, Medicare for All, a 50% reduction in prison populations, a wealth tax, cancellation of student debt, free undergraduate tuition in public institutions, abolishing the filibuster, packing the Supreme Court, federal gun licensing, and abortion subsidized by federal taxpayers."

None of which should present much of a problem for Biden, who will happily (and unintelligibly) voice enthusiastic support for whatever nonsense is written on his cue cards.

FROM THE EASTER BASKET (OBAMA YEARS): HE DYED FOR YOU

Yes, that's the actual "crucified Easter Bunny" artwork that your taxes paid for.

Easter is a day when people stop to reflect on the importance of faith, morality, and responsibility in their lives and ask: "What would Jesus do?"

And the answer, according to the Obama White House, is push-ups. Jesus would do lots and lots of push-ups. Or at least this seems to be the thinking at the 2015 White House Easter Egg Roll being held today (Sunday was reserved, of course, for golfing) which has once again been turned into a fitness event.

Picking one of the lesser known passages from the Bible, the event's theme is "Gimme Five," and will feature healthy eating tips, cooking demos, and activities which will "encourage children to lead healthy, active lives in support of the First Lady's Let's Move initiative."

To make sure the 35,000 attendees don't forget the true meaning of the day, the official (and safely inedible) White House Easter Eggs each carry a portrait of the Easter Bunny wearing running shorts and a sweat band...which is a lot like a crown of thorns, only washable.

On the flip side of the eggs, a few words are inscribed to give comfort, strength, and a renewed sense of faith in these troubled times. The words are: "Barack Obama" and "Michelle Obama." And in the spirit of eternal sellvation, you can buy the official set of five eggs for $29.99. Which means you'll get a penny back from your 30 pieces of silver.

Predictably, some people are annoyed that the White House has taken one of the most sacred days on the Christian calendar and turned it into an entirely secular jazzercise class. But out of journalistic integrity, Hope n' Change won't pass judgement on the Obamas quite yet.

First, we want to see if they ask any of the guests at this year's White House Ramadan celebration to do squat thrusts.

The Jarlsberg Diaries: Why I Was Late For Work

Okay, pretty much nobody is actually going to work these days, let alone having to explain why they are late. So let's turn the clock back to 1989...

I've mentioned here before that I am, among many other things, a radio kind of guy. I worked in the business for years, doing writing, production, and voice work - usually with an emphasis on comedy. I love the ability to create "theater of the mind" with audio and, even now, have nearly 8,000 sound effects and 14,000 pieces of production music on my computer. All of which falls somewhere between overkill and obsession.

When I first moved to Texas, I was hired to write syndicated radio scripts for "Hiney Wine" - a purely fictitious product which was perfect for radio-friendly double-entendres: "Founders Harry Hiney and Big Red Hiney remind you that there's no better way to relax after work than with a little Hiney." It was I who introduced the winery's upscale brand "Snifter Hiney," and yes - the jokes wrote themselves.

Which made me think, "why not create a syndicated comedy series of my own and get rich?" And thus was born "Why I Was Late for Work," a daily 60-second skit in which ridiculous characters offer up preposterous excuses for being late. The idea was for radio stations to sell sponsorships and then feature the bit every day during morning drive time (I simultaneously offered up a second series called "Gripe Line" in which fake callers phone in to the radio station to complain about moronic things).

Of course, a demo was needed, so I wrote and produced one (using some of the top radio voice talent in Dallas) to send off to various syndication companies. "Wow!" they all said. "That's really funny! Good luck selling it to someone else! Go away!"

But their (and my) loss is your gain, because some 30 years later, you are about to hear what almost no one else has ever heard. And you can decide whether or not I should have just let this ancient artifact continue to collect electronic dust on my hard drive.

In order to host this on Youtube, I've cobbled together a very rough video to accompany the audio demo, but the intent is really to give you something fun to listen to rather than look at.

I hope you enjoy it!