News at Tan

In our constant quest to bring diversity to these pages, Stilton's Place has again solicited opinions on topical stories from a variety of women, including women of color. Toasty brown color.

And who can argue with their trenchant insights? For instance, it's actually 100% true that the "Washington Redskins" have officially changed their name to the "Washington Football Team."  Although this represents a new low in sheer gutlessness, we think that the name is still offensive - and not just because of the reference to A) a dead white slaveowner and/or B) a filthy corruption-filled swamp.

Did the owners (and how offensive is that term?!)  give any consideration to the fact that the rest of the world says that "football" means "soccer?" Isn't it time for us to adopt the global standard and call our sport something else entirely? And can we really tolerate the word "team," which is a blatant homophone for "teem" - as in "the wretched refuse of your teeming shore"? Why is anyone still calling immigrants "wretched refuse"?! Seriously, the whole name needs a complete do-over. And while they're at it, ditch the religiously offensive "pigskin."

And speaking of pigs (we are masters of the deft segue), how about the "Wall of Moms" who linked arms in Portland to guard their precious little protest-fascists against the big bad police? These "Moms" claim unwavering and unthinking allegiance to Black leaders, none of whom seem to turn up in pictures of the event.

"If [Black leaders] want one wall of moms, they get one!" said one of the petulant, blindingly-white middle-aged women. "If they want two, they get two! If they tell us to jump, we jump. And if they tell us to leave, we leave." Which we'll bet happens a lot.

And rounding out (rather fetchingly) today's trio of stories, Donald Trump has finally been seen wearing a Covid-19 suppressing face mask. He has additionally tweeted that "in our effort to defeat the Invisible China Virus...it is patriotic to wear a face mask." That's not quite declaring that he backs the science, but hopefully people who have been reluctant to wear masks in public will now do so in order to keep Donald Trump  from thinking that they're anti-American assholes.

BONUS: DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER, DAMMIT!

There's really no special significance to this cartoon, but sometimes punchlines come to us unbidden and if we don't get them out of our head, we break out in hives. True story.

IN MEMORIAM: OL' REMUS & THE WOODPILE REPORT

We're sad to report that Ol' Remus, the host of the popular conservative blog "The Woodpile Report" has passed away. The blog was a reliable source of wit, information, and analysis. It will be missed.

B At Last, B At Last...

George Floyd did not die in vain. Oh sure, in the wake of his death there have been hundreds of businesses burned to the ground, dozens of monuments defaced, tens of millions of dollars in property damage, multiple murders, a skyrocketing increase in crime, and greater racial animosity dividing the nation than we've seen in half a century.

But it's all been worth it, because the Associated Press has announced that they have changed their internal style guide and will now always capitalize the word "Black" when used in the context of race and culture. The AP did not comment on whether capitalization will apply when "black" is used in the context of historic plagues.

Interestingly, the AP has also announced that they won't be doing the same for the word "white," because "white people suck." Okay, that's not how they said it, but the inference is clear enough. In the words of the New York Times, "white doesn't represent a shared culture and history in the way Black does."

Which is undeniably true unless you count picky little things like the Magna Carta, the Renaissance, and the founding of Western Civilization.  Although, based solely on having a shared culture and history, it will probably still be okay to capitalize "White Trash."

BONUS: MECCA DIFFERENCE WITH JOE

In what's being touted as an historic event, the Man Who Lives in Biden's Basement addressed a group of 3,000 people during a Muslim American Advocacy event to solicit their votes in November.

Biden spoke passionately about Islamaphobia, the need for a Palestinian state ("Maybe Idaho"), and the enormous contributions of Muslims in fighting the coronavirus pandemic - presumably by ordering their women to keep their faces covered for another thousand years.

Perhaps thinking fondly of the black children who so loved to stroke his leg hairs, Biden said: "I wish, I wish we taught more in our schools about the Islamic faith. What people don't realize is...we all come from the same root here." He then started chuckling, wiggling his eyebrows, and repeating "come from the same root" Beavis & Butthead-style until his chair was kicked from offscreen.

While Biden didn't make many actual policy statements, nor prove he was wearing pants, he was very clear about one thing: "If I have the honor of being president, I will end the Muslim ban on Day One. Day One."

We assume that, in Joe's mind, he means that Muslims will finally be able to use the same Ban (or any deodorant of their choice) that other Americans use.

Useless Money-Saving Tips!

If Indiana Jones was lashed to a pole just as a current news broadcast was about to open, he would surely scrunch his eyes shut and shout "DON'T LOOK AT IT!!!"

Which is why I'm skipping all of that topical stuff (hey, who wants a melted face?) and am instead sharing something (hopefully) fun out of my files.

In this case, we're traveling back in time to 1980, when the nation was caught up in an energy crisis. A major public utility company hired my Dad and I to create a comic piece about energy conservation which they could put in their consumer newsletter, thereby making it less likely that said consumers would storm their offices with torches and pitchforks. Although my Dad was the more experienced copywriter, he let me do most of the writing while he created the cartoon illustrations.

It was a delight for me to share a project with my Dad, and a nice bonus to get paid actual money for just making up ridiculous stuff. My career path was set.

Some of the cultural and technical references are a bit dated, 40 years later, but most of the tips are every bit as practical and useful now as they were then. Which is to say...not very.

FROM THE VAULT: RUMPER STICKER...

We've been hearing that the odds are getting better for Elizabeth "Princess Running Gag" Warren to be selected as Joe Biden's VP choice. Which would make her, we guess, the "Tepee VP"...

We're skeptical, since Biden has all but promised that his candidate will be a woman of non-assumed color and #BlackVotesMatter, but anything could happen. Which is why we're revisiting this possibly prophetic cartoon from the old Hope n' Change days!