Big Bang Theories

Astrophysicists tell us that there is absolutely nothing in the universe which sucks more powerfully than a black hole...with the exception of the whole damn year of 2020. So it's not surprising that these same scientists are now predicting that an asteroid known as 2018VP1 may slam into the Earth on November 2nd, just one day before the presidential election.

Reactions to this potentially earth-shattering news are streaming in from every quarter...

• Donald Trump: "Asteroids are not all bad! Not all bad! Some have big diamonds in them that are, like, the size of grapefruits. Or maybe a pomelo, you'd have to ask the scientists."

• Joe Biden: "I am proud to face this challenge, even though it is hard for me personally. I lost a lot of dinosaur friends to an asteroid."

• CNN: "This is a direct result of Trump's pervasive climate of violence."

• Andrew Cuomo: "I'll be in a shelter which I'm padding with layers of people from nursing homes."

• Antifa: "Burning cities? Broken windows? Panic in the streets? Sounds like a win!"

• Dr. Anthony Fauci: "Masks will help. No, they won't. Yes, they will. No, they won't..."

• Wall Street: "Ding-ding-ding! The stock market is hitting new all-time highs!"

• Kamala Harris: "It's KAH-ma-la, damnit! KAH-ma-la!"

• Nancy Pelosi: "It's times like this I wish my face could move enough to scream."

• Every A**hole in Hollywood: "Would it help if we made bigger donations to Black Lives Matter?"

• Alexandria Old-Casio Keyboard: "Can't we just use, like, a lot of Preparation-H?"

Scientists have calculated that the hurtling asteroid has about a 1% chance of hitting the Earth and that it has a diameter just a little over 6 feet - making it smaller and likely less destructive than Bill de Blasio.

Tragically, this "Not Big Enough Bang" means that we're all still going to have to put up with the election and whatever fresh Hell the year has in store for us.

BONUS: RISING POLL

Three of a Kind

Readers- All is basically going well here, but still no time (and not much inclination) for me to delve into news and politics. So here are three more decades-old cartoons by my Dad. Enjoy!  -Stilton

Witch Glitch

Click cartoon for larger, more glorious size!

The only reason we don't think "candidate" Joe Biden is actually a motion-capture creation is because he exhibits so little motion and so few human traits. Seriously, why go to a lot of high-tech trouble to create an end product as boring and unconvincing as what we're seeing?

As for the Dem's virtual convention, we're happy to admit that we've only been subjected to a few short clips. Which is all we can take before that vein in our forehead starts pulsing like a frog's leg hooked to a Sears Diehard Battery. These are the worst people in the world, and we're saying that fully cognizant of the existence of serial killers, kiddy diddlers, and Rap artists.

Still, we've heard that the usual media poltroons are saying that Michelle Obama's speech was so spectacularly good that there is an actual possibility, still unconfirmed, that it brought George Floyd back from the grave. 

Of course, she's made previous convention appearances which also caught our attention...

FROM THE VAULT: CONVENTIONAL WISDUMB (7/27/2016)

The Democratic convention is in full swing which, through Herculean effort, we will not use as a set up for a joke involving nooses. Oh sure, it would be funny - but (to quote Richard Nixon) "it would be wrong, that's for sure."

Especially since one of the opening evening's speakers was Michelle Obama, the wife of our nation's first half-white black president, there to give a ringing endorsement to Hillary Clinton - the wife of our nation's first all-white black president.

Choosing, as ever, to take the high road, Michelle whined for the umpteenth time that she wakes up each day "in a house built by slaves" - which she apparently finds more upsetting than having her pricey wardrobe, dozens of personal "assistants," and luxury 5-star vacations paid for by today's wage slaves.