Hocus Pocus Hanky Panky

Watching the seemingly unending and entirely mysterious process of "vote counting," we're put in mind of a stage magician doing his act and making doves, cards, and silks appear from unexpected places in endless quantities. And so it is with votes for Biden magically appearing just when you thought you'd seen the last of them. 

Of course, Joe himself is giving us plenty of cause to see him as a somewhat tacky stage magician. One of his illusions is that his party can saw the nation in half, and then Joe will say the magic words "badakathcare trunalimunumaprzure," and join the halves into a functioning whole again. C'mon, man - we all know that's not going to happen, in part because neither Joe nor his party wants it to happen. 

And while a good magician never reveals how he does his tricks, we're hoping that the proper authorities (assuming such even exist anymore) will be doing a deep dive into finding out the tricks which the Democrats are apparently using to try to (ahem) "influence" the results of the most ineptly run election in our nation's history. Seriously, when did "Election Day" turn into "Election Month?"

Our best guess is that Biden will soon be proclaimed the winner, that myriad (and valid) legal challenges will immediately arise, and the Leftists will accuse President Trump of acting like a dictator for not unquestionably accepting Biden's claim that there was "nothing up his sleeve."

At that point, keeping things peaceful in our nation will be the real trick. 

BONUS: MEANWHILE AT THE DNC...

Schrodinger's Poll-Cat

At the time of this writing (after 10:30pm on Tuesday), there's no clear winner of the 2020 Election and a great likelihood that the result may not be known for days. A number of states have adopted bizarre standards for collecting votes by mail, making it theoretically possible that the last, deciding votes won't be counted until 10 days after election day. Which, appropriately for this whole freaking year, falls on a Friday the 13th.

We'll certainly have more to say about election developments as they unfold, but for tonight we're going to bed - taking at least a little satisfaction from the fact that there may not be a clear winner tonight, but there's already a clear loser: the media and pollsters who confidently (and inaccurately) predicted a "blue tidal wave" and an easy landslide victory for Joe Biden. To them we say, "C'mon man!"

Rube-y Tuesday?

Thanks to the miracle of Daylight Saving Time, we recently gained yet another hour of unwanted suspense leading up to Election Day. On the plus side, many Democrats now believe that because of the time change, Tuesday won't happen until Wednesday this week. An idea which we should reinforce as much as possible.

Approximately 92 million early votes have already been cast - a number which will surely skyrocket on Tuesday when the living are allowed to vote.

Here at Stilton's Place, we have no freaking idea which way this thing is going to go. According to the media and pollsters, Trump is going to get his orange hiney kicked. On the other hand, the media and pollsters are despicable liars, about whom maggots tell jokes trying to gross out their friends. Others believe that Trump will win in a blowout based on the fact that God, in His infinite wisdom, is using the President as a tool to achieve things in "mysterious ways." Occasionally bordering on downright baffling.

Whichever way the election goes, it's critical to make preparations now for the aftermath. For one thing, you should lay in a supply of food, water, medicines, and toilet paper in case a Trump victory triggers a wave of commerce-disrupting violent riots in the streets. Of course, you should also lay in a supply of all those things in case Trump loses, because they sure as hell won't be on store shelves once the commerce-disrupting socialists take over.

This is also potentially a good time to stock up on American flags with "only" 50 stars in case of a Democrat victory. These will not only be valuable collector's items, but they'll also be a handy way to identify your home as not belonging to an asshole.

Finally, it's likely that the acrimony between friends and family members will only increase once the election is finalized. To help bring us all together again, we suggest that you plan to send a peace-making gift to those people you've disagreed with. If Trump wins, we suggest you send a tasteful bouquet with a gift card that says "Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" as many times as possible. If Trump loses, just send the liberals on your list a lovely handbasket and a map which smells of brimstone.