Distaff Meeting

We've seen multiple articles suggesting that the recent election "results" are most attributable to women, which is surprising because we didn't know that the coded algorithms in voting machines can have periods.

Still, it seemed only right to bring our female contributors to the fore today because, frankly, we could watch the two of them debate all day. Or perhaps for the next four years.

BONUS: ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY WALK INTO CANDOR

In his thuddingly ponderous new book, "A Promised Land," Barack Obama answers one of the great burning questions associated with his legacy: why the hell he picked a whackjob political hack like Joe Biden for the vice presidential slot?

"One of the reasons I'd chosen Joe to act as an intermediary," says B. Hussein, "was my awareness that in McConnell's mind, negotiations with the vice president didn't inflame the Republican base in quite the same way that any appearance of cooperation with (Black, Muslim socialist) Obama was bound to do."

Granted, he's inserted parentheses to make it clear that these were what he thought people's perceptions were - although it gets a bit confusing why he's apparently denying being a Muslim socialist and Black.

But getting back to Joe Biden, Obama was somewhat concerned that Gropin' Joe's "lack of a filter periodically got him in trouble," and that he would "share whatever popped into his head." But these drawbacks were overlooked because Biden was "decent, honest, and loyal" and presumably could also fetch, roll over, and play dead (traditionally a vice president's biggest responsibility).

The former president also made clear that Joe Biden repeatedly opposed the raid which killed Osama bin Laden, but finally gave Mr. Obama the advice to "follow your instincts," which firmly established that the vice president was a man with an unflinching gift for plausible deniability.

Which brings us to this blast from the past...

In the wake of Osama bin Laden's widely reported (if little seen) death, information has been released stating that the terrorist leader felt there was no real point in killing vice president Joe Biden because of his unimportance. 

Hope n' Change feels compelled to come to Mr. Biden's defense. Obviously he's important, or he wouldn't have had access to the top secret information that the raid in Pakistan was carried out by Seal Team Six...information that he then revealed to the world (and to terrorists eager to seek revenge) despite having agreed not to share any operational details of the mission. Oops! So widespread is Mr. Biden's gaffe that the Walt Disney company has just trademarked the name "Seal Team Six" for commercial exploitation, which rather underscores the Mickey Mouse nature of the vice president's policy on secrecy.

Fortunately for Mr. Biden, the news media hasn't focused much on his "not worth killing" status because of something far more important discovered in Osama bin Laden's lair. Pornography! Apparently there was plenty of it, though currently there are no plans to show it to the public.

According to Barack Obama, the material which he has personally reviewed is "very graphic" and "should not be treated as a trophy" and will only be shared with the president's closest friends and advisors and, perhaps, Charlie Sheen. -Unless Biden gets his hands on it...in which case "72 Virgins Gone Wild" and "Camel Humps" will be found on his Facebook page. -

Oh Barry Me Not

In today's confusing and ever-shifting landscape of smoke, mirrors, and outright lies, it's nice to know that some things never change. Like the fact that Barack Obama is still a divisive race-baiting piece of excrement, and we still enjoy mocking him.

Barry is currently schlepping yet another autobiography, this one titled "A Promised Land." And as usual, the man who helped set America's streets on fire is eager to attack those darn persons of no-color. In his book, he attributes President Trump's election to the idea that the Orange Man was "an elixir for the racial anxiety of millions of Americans spooked by a black man in the White House," adding "my very presence in the White House triggered a deep-seated panic." Of course, we agree with that latter statement for myriad policy reasons that have nothing to do with his race.

Also popping up in the public eye like an unwanted stye is Michelle Obama, who has rejected the idea of "unity and healing" (which, in fairness, we have too) and recently tweeted that "tens of millions of people voted for the status quo, even when it meant supporting lies, hate, chaos, and division." So we're again reminded that when she was forcing inner city kids to work her White House vegetable garden, Michelle was at least able to provide all the manure needed.

But getting back to B. Hussein's literary efforts (and self-absorption), let's pay a little visit to some of our past observations on the subject...

And we can't resist sharing this post from 2010 in its entirety...

 

The ever-prolific Barack Obama has just completed work on a children's picture book entitled "Of Thee I Sing: A Letter to My Daughters." 

Originally, the book (which was written as part of a $1.9 million publishing contract) was supposed to be about young Barack Hussein Obama, a "skinny kid with big ears and a funny name." That version of the book has been shelved, however, perhaps because this didn't seem like the very best time to remind people that the skinny kid with big ears was raised by a Muslim stepfather in Islam-dominated Indonesia. 

Instead, the president's new book focuses on famous American icons like George Washington, whose infamous teeth demonstrated the need for universal healthcare...Jackie Robinson, who proved that African-Americans could play sports...and painter Georgia O'Keefe, who showed us that close-ups of flowers could look like something other than close-ups of flowers. 

The book features a colorful cover which shows the president's daughters taking their dog Bo for a walk... but not carrying a plastic bag with which to clean up any steaming mess he leaves at the White House. Now there's symbolism.

 

BONUS: A CRYPTIC VICTORY?

We're really not big on conspiracy theories, and it's nearly impossible to get accurate information about anything from the media anymore. But that being said, our gut is telling us that there's a better than 50/50 chance that there was widespread voting fraud, and on a scale large enough to change the outcome of the election.

Proof? We don't have it yet (emphasis on "yet,"). But based on Democrat precedent, we should continue with at least 3+ years of investigation anyway.

Serfs Up

Despite repeated calls from the Left for "Unity and healing...or else," we seem to be no closer to untangling the colossal fustercluck which was the recent alleged election. Because depending on who you listen to, there is either massive evidence of widespread voting fraud...or this was the squeakiest clean election ever. 

Our gut tells us that it's the former, and apparently about 71 million other guts are currently telling their owners the same thing. Which means the chance of achieving national "unity and healing" anytime soon is smaller than a gnat's fart...albeit more pungent. 

The only way out of this mess is to prove to everyone's satisfaction that the election results were fair, accurate, and not corrupted by the Democrats, big tech, the Chinese, or the lying Washington bastards who've tried to overthrow the government for the past four years. Happily, both sides can readily agree that a thorough investigation is warranted, and should be conducted with care and transparency.

Ha, ha - just kidding! The party that spent tens of millions of dollars and years of time "investigating" whether or not Donald Trump paid Russian hookers to pee on a bed once used by Obama (which he didn't, but probably should have) suddenly finds it unseemly to conduct investigations...especially into something as trivial as blatant election tampering.

Whatever the eventual outcome of the legal maneuverings, all of this is not going to end well. Half of America is going to be totally unwilling to accept the legitimacy of our next president. And that's going to make for a very long, and potentially dangerous, four years.

SHORT TAKES

• Barack Obama is currently on the interview circuit to promote his third freaking autobiography, and a fourth is already scheduled. The book, "A Promised Land," is a hefty 768 pages which could make it difficult, but not impossible, for him to shove up his ass.

• Readers have asked for a medical update on Mrs. Jarlsberg, and we're happy to report that she's mending nicely from her back, foot, and wrist injuries. She has also amazed her physical therapists by actually doing her exercises at home, which apparently is something of a rarity among patients.

• The suspicious timing of Pfizer's recent announcement of a Covid-19 vaccine stinks to high heaven, as did their now recanted claim that they had nothing to do with President Trump's "Operation Warp Speed" vaccine initiative. This doesn't do much to build our confidence in the vaccine itself, especially since it uses a technology that has never been used before (having to do with messenger RNA telling your cells to do funny things). We hope the vaccine is great, effective, and safe - but we're not going to be first in line to try it, having grown used to life with only one head.

But in the interim, there are very effective protocols that can be used to greatly reduce the dangers posed by Covid-19. These protocols are all backed by science and, oddly, pretty much hidden from public view by the government, the media, and formerly respectable medical institutions. The rat bastards.

So here are the most recent protocols, which we encourage you to print out and share with others:

By the way, this chart was prepared for medical personnel, so when it refers to patients "on floor," they mean "checked into the hospital" as opposed to "stretched out cold on the carpet." Also, even if you're sick of hearing about all of this (and who isn't?) we'll note that at the very least, the benefits of taking Vitamin D appear to be fairly astounding when it comes to this illness. It's cheap, it's safe, and it's readily available - but it takes a little while for it to build up in your body, so don't wait.

AND FINALLY...

A classic (and now timely) cartoon by Stilton's Dad...