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Wednesday, November 25, 2020

Many Happy Returns

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As long as this is looking like a weird Thanksgiving, we just thought we'd go for it in the cartoon above. But all kidding aside, even in a year as screwed up as this one, we all have a lot to be thankful for - and a day devoted to reflecting on gratitude is just what we've been needing. 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING to you and your family from all of us here at Stilton's Place!

OREGON OF THE SPECIOUS

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You may have seen in the news that Oregon's Governor, Kate Brown, is telling citizens to call the police on any neighbors who dare to have more than six people present for Thanksgiving. Which would be bad enough on its masked face, but is made considerably worse by the fact that this same Governor presided over months of street violence because she believes cops are violent thugs who shoot people just for the sheer hell of it.

To be sure, she was only offended by needless Black deaths from police violence, but what would she have Oregonians do if their neighbor with a seventh family member at Thanksgiving is Black? Should SWAT still be called in to shoot Great Grandma if she resists arrest? ("We had no choice - she wouldn't drop the greenbean casserole.")

Still, Governor Brown has accomplished one thing this Thanksgiving: she's made us awfully thankful that we don't live under her fascist rule.

THE BABYLON BEE-MINUS

Barring a major news development, we're going to be taking Friday off. But to help tide you over, we're offering up a selection of headlines which we've been playfully submitting to a user forum over at The Babylon Bee (our favorite online humor site). Enjoy!

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Monday, November 23, 2020

Unjust Desserts

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If you're finding the election results very hard to swallow, there's a good reason why. And to us, it's also an obvious reason, though our liberal friends who natter "there's no evidence of widespread voter fraud" are blind to it. Which is why we'd like them to conduct the following little thought experiment.

On National Choose Your Dessert Day, you're presented with two sealed boxes. One is marked "Apple Pie" and the other is marked "Dog Poop." You have to pick one and eat the contents, but the choice is entirely up to you. Those who are administering the procedure won't attempt to influence you in any way when you're making your choice, and you've been clearly and repeatedly assured that the boxes are labeled with complete accuracy. Once your choice is made, no one but you will open the box, ensuring you get exactly what you chose.

So which box do you pick, knowing you'll have to chow down on the contents?

Probably the box that says "apple pie," right? Which is a shame, because now you have to eat a large, steaming pile of dog poop. The delicious fresh-baked apple pie with streusel crumbles and a solid gold fork (also yours to keep) was in the other box. Because the labels on the boxes were lies and the people who assured you they were accurate were liars.

The selection process was fair and not rigged in any way and no amount of investigation will show otherwise. Don't like the outcome? Go ahead and take your case to the Supreme Court. They'll not only rule that the process was fair, but Chief Justice John Roberts will also give you a hefty "contempt of court" fine because your breath smells like dog ass.

But while the process was fair, the selection itself was "fixed" before you ever made your choice and got that "I Had Dessert" sticker applied to your vomit-streaked shirt.

And this, of course, is how the presidential election was "fixed" without the need for faked ballots, nefarious computer algorithms, or a big turnout by The Voting Dead. For four years, people were repeatedly lied to and told that President Trump was inside a box falsely marked "racist, sexist, lunatic, fascist, Russian agent" while the other box was labeled "Honest Joe Biden with Delicious Streusel Crumbles." A label you could only read after brushing away a cloud of buzzing flies. 

People were free to choose...they just weren't free to know what they were really choosing.

Which raises three important questions: how soon should "unity and healing" begin after a fixed election, how long should we keep letting a cabal of liars get away with distorting our choices, and when in the living hell will Democrats realize that their own mouths aren't full of apple pie?


UPDATE/CLARIFICATION

Just to be clear, as the Invisible Man used to say, today's post is not intended to say that there wasn't a wide and rich variety of voting fraud. We think there was and, whether or not it was enough to tip the election, there needs to be a rigorous investigation followed by prosecutions and appropriate wall-and-blindfold-based punishment.

Our point is that even if that happens and even if no direct fraud is shown to have taken place (fat chance), it wouldn't change our opinion that the election was "fixed" by four years of false information beaten into the American electorate. Which is why we'll never, never accept this election or its results as legitimate.

Friday, November 20, 2020

Feather Dust-Up

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Thanksgiving is only days away, and it's already clear what Democrats will be giving thanks for: another opportunity to use their Covid-enhanced political power to make people miserable. 

Around the country, Thanksgiving gatherings are being limited in terms of the number of people who can attend, the number of different families (ie, from different households even if the same biological family), and duration of the event - no hanging around for seconds, televised football games, or asking people if anything happened in 2020 to be grateful for. Not that it would take a long time to answer that last question.

The most draconian mandate we've heard so far is limiting the Thanksgiving dinner to only 6 people. Which makes us wonder what our niece's family of 8 (under one roof) is expected to do. Will they draw straws to see who has to stand outside while the rest of the family bow their heads in prayer? Can those losers eventually be fed, or must leftovers be destroyed in the interest of national health? And will the excluded family members have to file a federal lawsuit to allow them to recount their blessings? 

We don't know, but we're certainly getting tired of government overreach and bureaucrats who order us to grab our ankles so they can give us a good stuffing. And we're not talking Pepperidge Farms.

SIDE DISH

As long as we're talking about Thanksgiving and actively avoiding the alleged "news," here's an old food-themed doodle from the hand of Stilton Jarlsberg. It is unknown if there will be a similar cartoon in the coming days about green bean casserole.

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