No Escape Claus

A Christmas crisis has been averted thanks to Dr. Anthony Fauci, who bravely flew all the way to the North Pole to personally vaccinate Santa Claus after having the jolly old elf sign a few liability forms waiving legal recourse if things went sideways.

Fauci disclosed this exciting adventure during a special CNN/Sesame Street town hall broadcast meant to reassure the nation's children that Santa would not be a superspreader on Christmas Eve, sliding down chimneys and coughing on everything while dropping off presents which might as well be labeled "you'll be dead by New Year's."

CNN clearly picked the right man for the broadcast, as Dr. Fauci has a lot of experience spinning fantastic tales and trying to pass them off as true. Who can forget his whimsical assertion that surgical masks are dangerous for the general public? Or that China was "transparent" and a big, big help in fighting Covid-19? 

Other wink-wink-nudge-nudge storytime favorites from the Fauci canon include his assertion that Hydroxychloroquine is ineffective in the early-stage treatment of the virus, and is super-duper dangerous besides. And that SARS-CoV-2 just popped up naturally and didn't come from Satan's workshop in Wuhan, China. Or his imaginative fable that the hastily approved (and wildly profitable) drug Remdesivir does any damn thing at all! 

As always, Fauci's fables are designed to make himself the hero of the story. Of course, if he just told kids that "Santa doesn't get sick like people do," he wouldn't have been able to talk about his trip to the North Pole...and the magic horse he rode in on.
 

Okay, he gets style points for his 2020 Christmas card

HACKY-SACKED

While details are still a bit sketchy, it would appear that pretty much every U.S. government computer system has been hacked and compromised, that Russia is likely behind it, and the beads of sweat on the brows of spokespeople with rictus-like grins suggest that we haven't heard the worst of it yet. 

Fortunately, Joe Biden clearly has what it takes to wage digital war on Russia and put an end to their malarkey and shenanigans because he was assigned that task back in 2016 and made sure the Russians would never pull that crap again. Well, nearly sure.

Okay, his effort didn't work at all. And this trip down memory lane may explain why...

(10/17/16)



The Obama administration has accused Russia of hacking the email accounts of Hillary Clinton, her campaign manager, and Democrats in general and giving the information to Wikileaks in order to criminally influence our sacred national election by revealing the truth about how despicable everyone on the left is.

Hope n' Change isn't buying the whole "Russian plot" scenario for several reasons: it's of no obvious benefit to Putin, the theory is being advanced by congenital liars who are in full fanny-covering mode, and so far zero evidence of Russian involvement has been offered. 

But that hasn't stopped Joe Biden (apparently taking time off from his extra-special presidential "moonshot" assignment to cure cancer) from declaring that the U.S. is about to engage in a full-blown cyberattack on Russia. Although the odds of our pulling off a sneak cyber attack just got a helluva lot worse thanks to the motor-mouthed veep.

Inka Dinka Doofus

So to speak...

We finally know what it takes to get major mainstream media to do a story - any story - about Hunter Biden. Oh, not about his being a Chinese tool, or a money-launderer, or being a right-hand man in his father's influence-peddling schemes, or banging his dead brother's widow, or knocking up a stripper and falsely denying that the offspring was Gropin' Joe's newest grandchild, or smoking crack while getting a foot job (not to be confused with a pedicure, but possibly having some overlap with pedophilia).

No, for Hunter to get headlines, all it took was a prestigious New York art gallery to announce that they'll be hosting a very special exhibition of paintings that Hunter Biden has made by dripping ink on paper and then blowing it around with a straw. No, really. Not that this is necessarily the worst use of a straw in Hunter's colorful past.

Critics aren't that impressed with Hunter's output to date, describing the paintings as "generic Post Zombie Formalism illustration" and looking like "Fred Tomaselli started making art for dermatologists' waiting rooms." And no, we don't really understand what either of those criticisms really means, other than that they sound like they weren't penned by Trump voters.

And while we were kinda sorta kidding about the pictures eventually selling to the Chinese for astonishingly high prices, we wouldn't be surprised if the gallery really did empty its walls when buyers arrive from adversarial countries wishing to purchase a little art with a big side order of influence. That's what will make the event, and the artist, a sellout.

BONUS: WORST CHRISTMAS CARD EVER

So this showed up in our mail about an hour ago, from a long-time but somewhat distant friend with whom we clearly haven't talked politics in awhile...

Face blurred to protect the sender

Seriously, WTF are we supposed to take away from this? "No Justice, No Peace" sounds more like a threat than a wish for peace on Earth and goodwill to men.

Still, with all of the hustle and bustle of the holidays, decorating, buying gifts, the endless playing of Christmas songs, Hallmark movies, and ubiquitous images of Santa Claus, it's sometimes too easy for us all to forget the true "reason for the season." Which is, of course, that when a felon dies of a self-inflicted fentanyl overdose, cities should burn.

But we know our friend meant well with the card, and will hopefully appreciate the one we're sending back...

North Poll Watcher

Now that the Supreme Court has ruled that Santa isn't allowed to check his list twice this year, Joe "Commander in Cheat" Biden is getting some special attention from the Big Guy himself! 

Perhaps because the jolly old elf wants Joe to stop using the title "Big Guy" when doing business with our nation's enemies...

BONUS: FREE CHRISTMAS ALBUM!

To take your mind off whatever the heck passes for news these days, and to gleefully annoy anyone who is offended by the word "Christmas," we're giving you a free no-strings-attached downloadable album of relaxing instrumental Christmas music!

And yes, it's exactly the same album we give away every year - because it's our holiday tradition!

Not available in stores. Trust us on this one.

It's the Manhole Steamrising "Complete Christmas Collection" and...what's that? You never heard of Manhole Steamrising? Well, you didn't think we could afford to hire Mannheim Steamroller to record a custom album, did you?! Besides, who needs all of those fancy-shmancy synthesizers when you're trying to enjoy quiet moments with the twinkling lights on your Christmas tree and the tinkling ice in your glass of scotch?

The album is solo harp which is actually played by a real angel (we think his name is "Harold") and consists of 15 soothing tracks of Christmas favorites, two of which are "Adeste Fidelis" and are done (as Basil Fawlty would say on gourmet night) "in two extremely different ways."

It's all perfectly legal, and you're free to share the music and/or the link with as many people as you like. In fact, we encourage you to share! Please! Tis the season! Just click this link to get your download started.

You'll end up with a ZIP file which, when double-clicked, will open up into a folder with your 15 songs in MP3 format. It's our way of saying "thank you" and "Merry Christmas" to everyone who visits Stilton's Place!

Want to sample the music before downloading or enjoy it without downloading? Then just click here to listen to the Youtube version!