The Spies of Life

Showing a surprising lack of foresight, our Founding Fathers somehow forgot to add language to the Constitution which would make it easy-peasy for future governments to crush anyone who criticizes their flagrant abuses of power. 

But showing creativity and initiative that, frankly, seems lacking from most other programs, the Biden administration is looking into the possibility of paying private companies (with your money) to have them spy on you in ways which are entirely illegal for our police and intelligence agencies to do. 

Oh sure, they say they'd only use these tools to go after really dangerous extremists like people who question the fiscal sanity of setting six trillion dollars on fire, or people who regularly attempt to overthrow the government by voting for non-Democrats, and those loathsome scoundrels who dare to talk about such things with their friends under the belief that "Freedom of Speech" still offers protection.

Sadly, if not terrifyingly, this isn't the first attempt by a Biden-related administration to spy on (and harass) ordinary citizens in explicitly fascistic ways.  Recall (as we always do) Obama's Stasi-inspired "Flag@Whitehouse.gov" program and its parasitic twin "Attack Watch"...

FROM THE VAULT: GESTAPOBAMA (2009)

  
 So it's come to this. An office in the White House set up specifically so people can turn in their friends and neighbors who are suspected of thoughtcrime against Obama (and if you don't know what "thoughtcrime" is, go read "1984" right now, before it disappears from the shelves!) 

Who is being paid to read these emails, and by what authority? Once the names are collected...what next? Audits? Threats? A burlap bag over the head? Or maybe just a note in your "permanent record" about how much healthcare you should or shouldn't get... Keep in mind that this is the President who praised the run-up to the Iranian "election" for its "robust debate." Is that what you're trying to encourage with this program, Mr President? "Robust debate?" And will you follow the Iranian model for silencing critics who "could have calibrated their words better?" 

And say, what about that catchy address: "Flag@Whitehouse.Gov" Flag? FLAG?! If this isn't the most obscene defilement of the flag in our history, we don't know what is. Meanwhile, it's safe to assume that people will have a lot of mischievous fun with that address; not just reporting suspected conservatives, but also cranky neighbors, ex-spouses, schoolteachers, your a**hole boss, the person who turned you down for a date...the list goes on and on.

Why not just address the mail to ScrewAnyoneYouWant@Whitehouse.Gov? 

FROM THE VAULT: HOLD de MAYO (5/5/2010)

Happy Cinco de Mayo, everyone! Today marks the festive occasion when Mexicans (and on Cinco de Mayo, aren't we all Mexicans?) celebrate what Wikipedia calls an "unexpected victory over the French" in 1862. Although how a victory over the French could be "unexpected" is a good question for another day. 

Cinco de Mayo is traditionally celebrated with guns fired into the air, ambulance runs to the hospital when victims are hit by falling bullets, mariachi music, margaritas, and a game in which children get treats and treasures by beating the daylights out of a hanging figure called a pinata (which, roughly translated, means "taxpayer"). 

So enjoy the holiday - but please, don't make too much noise! You might wake the immigration officials in Washington from their long, long siesta.

 

Remember: lick the salt, toss down a shot of tequila, bite a lime, and THEN beat your head on the wall.

FROM THE VAULT: NATIONAL CARTOONISTS DAY (5/6/2016)

National Cartoonist Day is held annually on May 5th so that cartoonists, those lonely outcasts, can make believe that everyone is drinking and partying in their honor rather than because every watering hole with a liquor license is serving half-priced margaritas on Cinco de Mayo.

Unsurprisingly, here at Hope n' Change we hold cartoonists past and present in the very highest of regards. And we're talking about actual ink-stained wretches here, rather than simple pixel-pasters like ourselves.  Genuine artists who are in it for the love of what they do - because there's surprisingly little money to be had, especially as print goes the way of the Dodo (a large bird upon which the natives of Mauritius once tattooed cartoons).

We won't list our heroes here as there are way too many of them and we wouldn't want to leave anyone out. But we will give special recognition to the cartoonist who introduced us to so many others, and inspired us as no one else could: our own father, who passed away in 2006 on National Cartoonists Day. We love and miss you deeply, Pa, and are grateful that you can still make us laugh with cartoons like this one...

Meating Out Justice

It only seemed appropriate to add a canine element to today's offering, since the Department of Homeland Security is now officially chasing their own tail.

Having announced that the greatest security threat to our nation comes from "domestic violent extremism" and "white supremacists," the DHS is now looking into its own ranks to make sure none of these omnipresent instruments of terror are lurking behind desks, computers, or badges.

In order to sort out these extremists, they're looking for individuals with telltale signs of anti-American radicalism like a record of military service, any expression of concern about border security, respect for the Constitution, the unacceptable belief that "all lives matter," or any similar attributes which look dangerously like patriotism.

Also, being white is a significant and nearly infallible predictor of being a white supremacist (because duh!) as is denying that you're a white supremacist.

We're not really sure that this is either the most efficient use of our metastasizing tax dollars or the best way to head off an often-predicted but never-occurring 9/11-style terrorist attack on our nation by, um, Trump voters. Many of whom (unlike Al Qaeda, Antifa, and BLM) have never harmed a building in their lives. 

Numbers Game

Okay, the trick isn't that amazing considering that Joe Biden's number is always "two trillion," no matter what the question is. Or at least, that's how it appears based on his speech to mostly empty chairs in Congress, which was an oratorical masterpiece that will ring through the ages according to professional journalists who turned in their reviews long before the teleprompter started rolling.

Two trillion for Covid Relief, two trillion for Infrastructure, and two trillion for Biden's Family Act which will take kids away from their parents to be warehoused under government supervision. Because that's worked so well at our southern border. 

Considering that two trillion dollars seems to be the magic number for solving any big problem, we're a bit surprised that old Joe didn't just drop that amount on curing cancer, which was the "moonshot" assignment given to him as veep under Barack Obama (you'll have to remind us - is cancer gone now?).

Biden's speech outlined a comprehensive cradle-to-grave strategy for the government to meet everyone's needs for their entire lifetime: food, housing, education, child-rearing, medical care, free walking around money and, when the time comes, quite likely a quick and painless euthanasia. And all this largesse will cost is your vote, your soul, and your freedom. What a deal!

Of course, anyone who understands basic math can see that this Brobdingnagian spending spree (using imaginary money plus whatever you think you have in assets and savings) can only lead to the kind of economic collapse currently being experienced in Venezuela.

Not that it would be the end of the world. After all, you can still buy a Big Mac and medium drink in Venezuela if you have enough bolivars (the local currency). How many, you ask?

"Two trillion!" shouts Joe Biden. 

And damned if he isn't right.

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[Editorial note: That last line sounds like something we'd make up...but it isn't. Two trillion bolivars are roughly equal to $7.35 in U.S. dollars. For now, anyway.]

BONUS: A HEARTBEAT AWAY

Of all the ludicrous and offensive things Joe Biden said in his speech, none infuriated us more than his claim that the demonstration in Washington DC on January 6th represented "the worst attack on democracy since the Civil War."

Pardon our asking, Mr. Biden, but what in the living Hell do you think Ashli Babbitt, a petite and unarmed woman, planned to do to topple the entire government if she hadn't been shot at point blank range without warning? Had she made it through the door (after police officers stepped aside to allow her to do so), how exactly was she going to take or hold power?

This is the kind of "big lie" that Joseph Goebbels (no stranger to actually threatening our democracy) would be proud of, and it's no less hateful and destructive than those which originated with that particular Nazi. Moreover, this lie was told with the same sadly familiar goal: to divide people, inspire citizen-against-citizen violence, and secure absolute government power.

You should be ashamed of yourself, Joe, but you clearly lack both the self-awareness and decency.
 

RIP Ashli Babbitt