But the young eco-warrior wasn't the only one who would be acting childishly in 2019, as we saw beginning in the earliest days of...
JANUARY
Removing any lingering doubts that 2019 might not suck with the intensity of an immense black hole, Nancy Pelosi wrapped her claw-like talons around a ceremonial gavel (which she refers to as "my precious") as she was restored to the lofty position of Speaker of the House of Representatives.
"Let each of us pledge that when we disagree, we will respect each other and we will respect the truth," said the aging harpy who showed her respect for the President by saying that listening to him was like being sprayed with "skunk tinkle."
However, Nancy's gift for insulting tactfully was not shared by all Democrats...
Rashida Tlaib, an incoming Muslim Congresswoman from Michigan (we believe from the district of Dearbornistan) capped off her swearing in by declaring of President Trump, "We're going to impeach that motherf*cker!" despite not having any reason to do so. This is what we in professional journalism refer to as "foreshadowing."
Or perhaps Tlaib was simply offended by the "climate of hate" created by Donald Trump, which inspired horrifying acts of cultural violence like...
Kids on a field trip to Washington from Covington Catholic High School posed for a group picture which was photobombed by a tom-tom thumping Native American (and long-term liberal activist) who got in the face of a MAGA-hat wearing kid. The young man did not react other than to smile, for which the mainstream media labeled him a Nazi, and compassionate liberals on Twitter demanded the student's death.
But sadly, this brave stand against people wearing red hats failed to prevent another horrendous confrontation in...
FEBRUARY
Actor Jussie Smollett put on a bravura performance (and demonstrated the critical importance of scriptwriters) when he claimed that two Trump supporters (who happened to be loitering outside at 2 a.m. during an arctic cold wave) jumped him, beat him, put a noose around his neck, and sprayed him with an unidentified liquid which was possibly skunk tinkle.
Despite an entirely predictable tidal wave of support and outrage from the liberal media, it turned out that Jussie had hired two Black extras from his show to stage the mugging as a salary-boosting publicity stunt.
Still, just because one racist attack turned out to be a complete fraud, it didn't mean America should be let completely off the hook...
Despite an entirely predictable tidal wave of support and outrage from the liberal media, it turned out that Jussie had hired two Black extras from his show to stage the mugging as a salary-boosting publicity stunt.
Still, just because one racist attack turned out to be a complete fraud, it didn't mean America should be let completely off the hook...
To ramp up his political visibility, Joe Biden traveled to Munich to disparage our nation as an "embarrassment" for our treatment of (ahem) "refugees." He was apparently unaware that Germany has had its own problems with setting government policies to find a final solution to the problem of unwanted masses of people.
But Uncle Joe's cluelessness was like a faint, flickering light compared to the supernova of ignorance represented by another freshman Congressperson...
But Uncle Joe's cluelessness was like a faint, flickering light compared to the supernova of ignorance represented by another freshman Congressperson...
Former and future barmaid Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, likely high on energy drinks, introduced the "Green New Deal" - a comprehensive plan to save the Earth from Global Warming by destroying our nation's energy system, ending air travel, and replacing every single home and building in the country. And all for the low, low cost of just $93 trillion!
Of course, instituting a plan like that would require a Democrat in the White House in 2020. A notion which kicked into high gear in...
MARCH
MARCH
Hillary Clinton declared that she is not running for President in 2020, but said she would take an active role by working with the candidates in the crowded Democratic field. In much the same way that John McClaine took an active role "working with" the terrorists at Nakatomi Tower.
Of course, few were fooled into thinking that Hillary had really given up on her all-encompassing obsession with becoming President. Rather, they simply accepted that she wouldn't literally be "running" because, let's face it, this is a woman who pays heavily-muscled men to carry her up and down stairs when not dragging her limp body into a waiting getaway van after a public appearance.
So she wasn't really lying lying. Unlike certain other Democrats...
Absolutely spontaneously and with no political trickery involved, Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff announced that they had no intention whatsoever to pursue impeachment for Donald Trump. "Unless there's something so compelling and overwhelming and bipartisan," said the world's most partisan woman, "I don't think we should go down that road because it divides the country."
Perhaps they were sounding reasonable because they'd gotten a sneak preview of the Mueller "Russian Collusion" Report...
The Mueller Report showed no evidence whatsoever of Russian collusion by Trump or anyone associated with him. No evidence whatsoever of any conspiracies amongst Trump and his people. And no "objective" evidence that Trump made any attempt to obstruct justice.
All of which pretty much assured that we'd never hear accusations about Trump and the Russians again, right? What a relief! America could just go back to listening to Democratic freshman congresswomen make fools of themselves in...
APRIL
Representative Ilhan Omar, a ravingly anti-semitic Muslim congresswoman from Minnesota, said that after 9/11, "Muslims were starting to lose access to our civil liberties (because) some people did something." Yeah...some people did something. The same people who seem to do a lot of somethings whenever they're offended by...what's it called? Oh yeah...civilization.
Meanwhile, with the general public finally able to read a "lightly redacted" version of the Mueller Report (not that almost anyone bothered to do so) which cleared Trump of wrongdoing, Democrats and their media mouthpieces came up with a hilarious new idea about why Trump was guilty anyway...
Collusion was out, obstruction was in, and the game was again afoot (albeit smelling like an old sock). With this highly-charged political atmosphere, our nation needed the promise of a steadying hand. Even if it was a hand that was too frequently involved in creepy groping...
Joe Biden made it official that he was running for President in 2020, simultaneously qualifying for "least interesting news event of 2019." Especially since he had so much company in...
MAY
For the math impaired (ie, all Democrats) that meant 24 candidates were actively running for the Democratic presidential nomination. And the big problem they all had was differentiating their positions from those of their competitors. After all, they all wanted higher taxes, more government control, socialism, Medicare for all, reparations for slavery, freedom to abort babies both pre and postnatally, a "living wage" for any job which could be performed by an arthritic three-toed sloth, the banning of guns and other things that "look scary," the repeal of Free Speech, the replacement of fossil fuels with clean and affordable imaginary alternatives, official ratification that there are 732 different genders whose dignity demands specialized restrooms and glory holes and, most importantly, all of the candidates promised to feed Donald Trump in a wood chipper feet first so that Leftists could enjoy the expression on his face.
But even with so much competition, one candidate's name was on everyone's lips. Even though he did his best to muffle it...
Yes, "Gropin' Joe" Biden was leading the Dirty Two Dozen, despite credible reports from anonymous sources that he'd been spending his post-Obama years cruising near playgrounds in a battered white van with "Free Candy" painted on the side.
Not that we're judging, of course. That would clearly be insensitive of us considering the new guidelines offered in May by the World Health Organization...
The WHO (not to be confused with the greatest rock band of all time) updated their handbook, "The International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Health Problems" - a definitive resource for doctors, health insurers, and hypochondriacs who are sure that they must have something, dammit!
To make the 2019 edition special, the WHO decided to add (if not flat out make up) more "fun" medical maladies, including "compulsive sexual disorder" and "job burn out," which is defined as "chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed." Which, in our experience, pretty much describes every job we've ever held.
And while the WHO doesn't explicitly say it, we assume that they see the job-creating Donald Trump as the Typhoid Mary of stress-inducing employment.
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