Friday, August 30, 2019


James Comey has been found guilty of violating FBI policy, violating his terms of employment, misuse of confidential official records, and violating pretty much every standard of professional ethics known to man.

So of course, the lanky sumbitch is apparently not going to be charged with anything because, as Jeffrey Epstein so recently reminded us, it pays to be on Hillary's good side. Or, considering what Comey spent much of his career covering, her backside.

This lack of justice, and our desire to start Happy Hour a little early, is why you're getting this Earwigs cartoon today...

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We recently discussed our dissatisfaction with movie theaters, but now we want to address a problem with watching movies at home: too many of them stink.

Mrs. Jarlsberg's favorite movie is "Die Hard" (it's also her favorite Christmas movie), but there just aren't many slam-bang, good guys versus bad guys, high stakes actioners for us to watch. Or are there?

That's where you come in: in the comments section, give us some suggestions of "Die Hard" type movies that we've been missing (or might just want to see again). We've enjoyed things like "Cliffhanger" with Sylvester Stallone, "Breakdown" with Kurt Russell (excellent film!), and "Air Force One" with Harrison Ford.

The movies don't have to be particularly current nor high budget, but they do need to be emotionally engaging and eventually show good triumphing over evil.

In other words, NOT a movie about James Comey.

Wednesday, August 28, 2019

Bomb-y Weather

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It is being reported that President Trump has, on more than one occasion, told his staffers to look into the possibility of dropping nuclear bombs on hurricanes to break them apart before reaching American shores. Trump, on the other hand, tweets: "This is so ridiculous, never happened. Fake news!"

Granted, the story is pretty suspicious, and bolstered only by statements like "there's reportedly a White House memo that proves it." On the other hand, can we imagine that Trump might have suggested bombing the living hell out of a weather phenomenon? Absolutely! And even though it would be a terrible, terrible idea, the 8-year-old that lives in our brain says: "yeah, but it would be so cool!"

Frankly, we don't think Trump ever really planned to bomb hurricanes. Rather, he was simply taking a tough position in order to bring hurricanes to the bargaining table.


We got an interesting email from a well-intended reader recently, who asked: "Just out of curiosity, who IS this guy that appears in your blog's background?"

Wait, what?! We'd never noticed that before, but sure enough if you open your browser window really wide and squint at the margin, there he is...

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And it looks like our special mystery guest is...Hitler! Holy crap!

Okay, it isn't really Hitler. It's just a little stain spot on a grunge design which Blogger/Google offers free to users. But still...that's not exactly a good look for a conservative blog at a time when we're all being called Nazis. And what if Google deliberately inserted the subtle image in their most patriotic template knowing that conservatives would use it, and they could later be accused of spreading subliminal fascism and get a lifetime ban from the Internet?

Not willing to take the risk (and to distract from our attack of paranoia), we opened the HTML of the website to change the background and give Little Adolf the boot (or jackboot). This was, technically speaking, a huge mistake. Because we don't actually know doodly-squat about HTML and had soon managed to completely screw up the whole look of "Stilton's Place."

Every link we've included for the past few years disappeared. Text was suddenly an almost-invisible grey. Post Titles were bright blue. And the background color for posts was "blinding white." Not to mention that every alternative graphic background we tried (to replace the offending one) made us want to gouge our eyes out.

Happily, after about two hours of work (and by "work" we mean hundreds of random mouse clicks), we managed to put the site back together again. And we made an important journalistic decision: rather than try to remove a meaningless smudge that might offend someone or might be construed as dog whistle Nazism, we are leaving it on the page while formally and officially stating IT ISN'T FREAKING HITLER. Although the little spot next to it does look a little like Eva Braun.

By the way, that spot is actually a pretty interesting example of pareidolia, the fascinating tendency of the mind to take a vague stimulus and try to make it into something recognizable (and frequently a face). It's why we can take the completely random and meaningless and imagine we see spooky faces in wallpaper, animals in clouds, or - in the case of Democrats - presidential potential in any of their candidates.


Hooray! Thanks to the help of an anonymous reader (hey, stand up and take a bow!) we were able to change the background image enough to send Mr. H back to Argentina! Now if we could just do something to take all of those filthy, disturbing images out of the Rorshach inkblots...

Monday, August 26, 2019

Koch Knocker

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There's no way we can actually make this funny today, but some things are so appalling that we just can't let them go by without comment.

In this case, we're talking about Bill "world's unfunniest man" Maher's remarks regarding billionaire philanthropist David Koch's death from cancer. Koch, a Libertarian who took a liberal stance on many social issues, also held many conservative beliefs and made financial contributions to people and causes (like legitimate climate studies) that Bill Maher hates passionately.

Which is why on "Real Time with Bill Maher," the obnoxious comic celebrated David Koch's passing with the following monologue (repeated here verbatim):

Fuck him...I'm glad he's dead!
(pause for laughs)
He was 79, but his family says they wish it could be longer. But at least he lived long enough to see the Amazon catch fire.
(pause for laughs)
Condolences poured in from all the politicians he owned, and mourners are being asked in lieu of flowers to just leave their car engine running.
(pause for laughs)
As for his remains, he has asked to be cremated and have his ashes blown into a child's lungs.
(pause for laughs - then it's time to get serious)
He and his brother have done more than anybody to fund climate science deniers for decades, so fuck him. The Amazon is burning up. I'm glad he's dead and I hope the end was painful.

It's not rare to hear Leftists like Maher puke up naked hate speech, but to actually celebrate the pain that someone felt while dying of cancer is a new low.

We would never wish for the death or illness of anyone, and certainly not take pleasure from the pain someone experienced during an agonizing death. But if and when such a fate befalls Bill Maher personally, we're willing to make an exception to our rule.

This humorless bastard needs to start worrying a lot less about climate change, and a lot more about Karma.


David Koch once told the Wall Street Journal that he'd rather donate money to a good cause rather than "use it on buying a bigger house or a $150 million painting." Unlike the Obama family, clearly.

So to whom did David Koch donate?

$185 Million - Massachusetts Institute of Technology, for cancer research, childcare center, biology building, and school of chemical engineering.

$150 Million - Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center. The biggest gift the center ever received.

$128 Million - New York Presbyterian Hospital

$100 Million - New York State Theater at Lincoln Center

$66.7 Million - Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center

$65 Million - The Metropolitan Museum of Art

$35 Million - Smithsonian's National Museum of Natural History

$26.5 Million - M.D. Anderson Cancer Center

$26.2 Million - The Hospital for Special Surgery in New York

$20 Million - American Museum of Natural History

$20 Million - Johns Hopkins University, for a cancer research center.

None of this remarkable and selfless generosity matters, of course, to those on the Left who defined David Koch as one of the worst of the "evil rich," and someone who "doesn't pay his fair share."

We look at it differently, and with the utmost in respect and gratitude. Rest In Peace, Mr. Koch, and thank you.