Schrodinger's Poll-Cat

At the time of this writing (after 10:30pm on Tuesday), there's no clear winner of the 2020 Election and a great likelihood that the result may not be known for days. A number of states have adopted bizarre standards for collecting votes by mail, making it theoretically possible that the last, deciding votes won't be counted until 10 days after election day. Which, appropriately for this whole freaking year, falls on a Friday the 13th.

We'll certainly have more to say about election developments as they unfold, but for tonight we're going to bed - taking at least a little satisfaction from the fact that there may not be a clear winner tonight, but there's already a clear loser: the media and pollsters who confidently (and inaccurately) predicted a "blue tidal wave" and an easy landslide victory for Joe Biden. To them we say, "C'mon man!"

Rube-y Tuesday?

Thanks to the miracle of Daylight Saving Time, we recently gained yet another hour of unwanted suspense leading up to Election Day. On the plus side, many Democrats now believe that because of the time change, Tuesday won't happen until Wednesday this week. An idea which we should reinforce as much as possible.

Approximately 92 million early votes have already been cast - a number which will surely skyrocket on Tuesday when the living are allowed to vote.

Here at Stilton's Place, we have no freaking idea which way this thing is going to go. According to the media and pollsters, Trump is going to get his orange hiney kicked. On the other hand, the media and pollsters are despicable liars, about whom maggots tell jokes trying to gross out their friends. Others believe that Trump will win in a blowout based on the fact that God, in His infinite wisdom, is using the President as a tool to achieve things in "mysterious ways." Occasionally bordering on downright baffling.

Whichever way the election goes, it's critical to make preparations now for the aftermath. For one thing, you should lay in a supply of food, water, medicines, and toilet paper in case a Trump victory triggers a wave of commerce-disrupting violent riots in the streets. Of course, you should also lay in a supply of all those things in case Trump loses, because they sure as hell won't be on store shelves once the commerce-disrupting socialists take over.

This is also potentially a good time to stock up on American flags with "only" 50 stars in case of a Democrat victory. These will not only be valuable collector's items, but they'll also be a handy way to identify your home as not belonging to an asshole.

Finally, it's likely that the acrimony between friends and family members will only increase once the election is finalized. To help bring us all together again, we suggest that you plan to send a peace-making gift to those people you've disagreed with. If Trump wins, we suggest you send a tasteful bouquet with a gift card that says "Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" as many times as possible. If Trump loses, just send the liberals on your list a lovely handbasket and a map which smells of brimstone.

Wait of the World

After a bit of introspection, we were able to identify the queasy feeling which has been tying our stomach in knots. It's the feeling we have when spending endless hours in a waiting room while a loved one is in surgery. Is everything going to be okay? Is nothing going to be okay? Are there really NO magazines to read unrelated to golf?

But while we wait, there are at least a few amusements to distract us...

Yes, there's fresh rioting and looting related to an incident in which police fatally shot a black man for no reason whatsoever other than that he was big, out of his mind, and was chasing them with a butcher knife.

But the usual numbnuts on the Left are still complaining about police officers saving their own lives, and are declaring that a knife is such a silly little weapon that it shouldn't even be considered dangerous. 

This is not an opinion shared in Nice, France, where two people were killed, and a third killed and beheaded, by a knife-wielding maniac shouting "Allahu Akbar." An Arabic phrase which, according to Google, translates to "free Nikes for everyone if the gendarmes shoot me."

FROM THE VAULT: TRICKY TREAT

Happy Halloween from Stilton's Place!