Nationally Guarded

Say what you will about the Democrats, but you definitely can't accuse them of being too rigid when it comes to policy. For instance, all summer we heard from Democrats that you definitely should never, ever send the National Guard into areas where demonstrations are likely to take place, because you'll only "inflame things" and increase the risk of violence. And nobody wants that, right?!

Still, the Dems have subsequently decided that it's a good idea to deploy 20,000 armed National Guard troops in Washington to help assure that the rabble neither speak up about President Trump's "Impeachment of the Week," nor do anything to disrupt the coronation of the Most Popular Presidential Candidate Who Ever Lived.

And while we certainly don't want to plant any unsettling conspiracy theories in the minds (and we use the term loosely) of Democrats, ask yourself this: could anyone really expect to overthrow the government using a small mob of yahoos wearing buffalo helmets, or would such a plan require about 20,000 trained, armed fighters who had sworn an oath to protect the Constitution? And if some clever strategist wanted those troops in Washington on January 20th, wouldn't it be clever to trick the Democrats into just asking for them to come?

But of course, this is very unlikely to be the case, and the Democrats definitely shouldn't worry about it. Much.

FROM THE VAULT

With the big tech companies cutting off services to conservative enterprises, many of us are now wondering if we should reconsider the usefulness of installing our data on private servers. This would keep things safe from prying eyes, and apparently it's easy enough to do that even a completely crooked elderly woman can handle it...

(3/6/15)

When it comes to the Clintons, you never know which scandals will stick and which will miraculously disappear because of the deal they made with Satan when selling their tattered souls. That being said, Hillary's metastasizing email scandal seems to have the potential to derail her presidential aspirations - and perhaps incur criminal charges.

It seems that when Hillary became Secretary of State, she immediately set up a private email server in her home and conducted all of her official business (and quite likely monkey business) on that computer email system rather than the cyber-secure government system which is required by federal law.

After a two day silence on the subject, Hillary eventually tweeted that she really, truly wants America to see her emails, and State Department spokes-hipster Marie "Jobs For ISIS" Harf has confirmed that this will absolutely happen. You know, eventually.

The problem is, the State Department doesn't have (and never has had) all of Mrs. Clinton's emails - it only has the ones which Hillary's personal staffers chose to give them.

Apparently, a lot of people in high places (perhaps even a certain president?) were aware of and comfortable with this clear violation of law and (oh yeah!) putting classified communications at risk for the sole purpose of protecting Hillary's obsessive political aspirations.

Now that her private email system has been discovered, Hope n' Change would like to suggest that Mrs. Clinton go back and review the many unread messages in her spam folder.

Maybe that's where Ambassador Chris Stevens' requests for help in Benghazi ended up.

The Right To Remain Silenced

What with ideological purity tests heading our way (with judgment and sentencing to be dispensed by Amazon, Google, Apple, Facebook, Twitter, Citibank, and many more), this is a good time to be boning up on articles of Progressive catechism that you can use to bluff your way out of a firing squad (the only use of a wall that liberals actually approve of).

Because the things that liberals believe aren't necessarily logical, it's best just to memorize this stuff rather than trying to think about it when you're on the spot. For one thing, if you're caught "thinking" you're already screwed. So remember, when posing as a progressive:

• You sure as hell don't want impoverished black kids to have school choice, because that might put crappity-ass union teachers out of work. 

• You believe, even on Martin Luther King Day, that it is our duty to judge people on the basis of their skin rather than the content of their character.

• Everyone needs a free college education before landing a minimum-wage job that, by law, should pay enough to raise a family of six in exquisite comfort.

• Rich people didn't earn their money. And it's not even their money - it's yours! All of it! Also, the gold in their fillings!

• Using a second square of toilet paper will cause the end of the world.

• 12-year-olds should definitely get to vote. Or really, children of any age who can recognize the letter "D."

• Fossil fuels are bad because they come from dinosaurs WHO KILLED PEOPLE so it's pretty damn obvious that their fermented juice wants to kill us, too.

• Nobody actually knows their own gender or anyone else's. Don't ask, don't tell, don't assume, don't look, don't look away. If something wants to have sex with you, you're a bigot unless you say yes.

• Human fetuses are NOT people and NOT alive so they're technically okay for vegans to eat.

If you're asked any questions not covered by this list, just start to giggle and claim that your "mind is kinda blown because I just smoked some sweet, sweet weed," then invite your inquisitors to join you in a hunt for some bitchin' pizza or doughnuts or something. Odds are they'll go with you.

DOUBLE INDIGNITY

In theory, today is the day that Nancy Pelosi and the House Dems will once again file articles of impeachment against Donald Trump. He is accused of causing riots, violence, and death by making incendiary political remarks which, being the tools long used by the Democrats (especially in 2020), represents a potentially significant copyright infringement.

While many Americans wonder what the Big Honkin' Deal is, what with President Trump clearly innocent of the named charges and already out the door in a few days, it turns out that there are little-known ramifications of a kind never before seen in American political history. Ramifications known only to Constitutional scholars and, in our case, day-drinkers.

Because if a President is impeached twice and convicted, his name and visage is to be stricken from all public records, and the original opposing candidate - Hillary Clinton, in this case - will be digitally inserted into the history books...

Biden & Harris would still take office as scheduled (by the Chinese), but Mrs. Clinton would at least have an imaginary term on paper and in the digital cloud. And this would be a pretty sweet deal for Hillary who, besides becoming the first woman president, would also be able to take credit for a wildly revitalized economy, a term with no new wars, and such remarkable foreign policy successes that Nobel Peace Prize nominations have been stacking up.

President Hillary would also be heralded for having rebuilt the military, restored American jobs, and bringing unparalleled improvement to every metric of the lives of minorities and the working class. And when the going got tough when a pandemic hit, it was digitally-inserted Hillary who bravely and presciently shut down our nation's borders and instituted a vaccine-development program which would produce successful results on a timetable that every expert said would be impossible. All accomplishments that the Democrats will lustily cheer as historic successes for their party.

Yes, that Hillary Clinton was one hell of a virtual president alright. 

Thanks, 2021!

Well THAT didn't take long

So here we are, at the dawn of (as the Chinese curse goes) an interesting time. Social media and big tech are coming down hard on Conservatives to make sure they can't continue using that dangerous "Freedom of Speech" thing, and there no longer seems to be any limit - any - on the Leftists' demands to remake our country to their liking. In fact, the only thing currently protecting Conservatives is the Left's inability to figure out how to send us all to the ovens without creating billowing clouds of polar bear-threatening carbon emissions.

And it's no wonder the Leftists are so angry, considering that the Constitution still (albeit temporarily) allows human monsters to write horrible things like this:

So what does all of this mean for Stilton's Place? Frankly, we're not sure yet. While we hope it doesn't happen, it's entirely possible that this site (and its predecessor) could be made to disappear with the flick of a switch. 

So before that happens, make sure you've added your current contact information to our email list (just click on the giant words "CLICK HERE!" near the top of the left column. Or do it here, for that matter). Do this today. Right now. That way, we can still be in touch if things go sideways here in 1984-land. And your information is always 100% safe with us: we never spam, and we'll never, ever give up your information. 

And just so you know how serious we are about that, at all times we keep a small, tooth-colored pill concealed between our cheek and gums. Should we face brutal interrogation, we'll crack that pill with our teeth and then... Well, seeing as how the pill is just a Tic-Tac, our tormentors will get a forceful blast of peppermint-fresh breath as we tell them to get stuffed.

We're also archiving everything from Hope n' Change and Stilton's Place in convenient PDF form, and will soon be posting and/or emailing links where you can download ("for fwee," as Kamala might say) all 12 years of tasty conservative comedy and commentary to enjoy when you're quietly hiding in your attic from the Woke Gestapo.

And hey, even if they hear you laughing up there, they won't come up - they're scared of spiders.