Weeking Off Again

Oh sure, we can laugh - but he was just awarded a "Pull It, Sir" prize

CNN viewers may want to install windshield wipers on their television sets now that Jeffrey "Sound of One Hand Clapping" Toobin has returned to the air. Toobin had been given some time off for getting off - specifically, on a Zoom call with CNN colleagues during which he grabbed some lotion, a tissue, and then proceeded to pleasure himself while on camera. 

Granted, CNN anchors do that all the time during actual broadcasts, but the action is usually hidden because they're forced to sit behind desks with washable undersides. And the same practice is also rampant at MSNBC, where they winkingly describe their throes of pleasure as "leaning forward."

All of this takes us back to the title of today's post, "Weeking Off Again," because that's what we're going to be doing this week at Stilton's Place. Taking time off, that is, not making obscene Zoom phone calls while pretending that part of our anatomy is a trombone.

We also find ourselves more than a little distracted by an impending colonoscopy on Tuesday, which means fasting all day Monday and then finishing the day with two rounds of chemically-induced explosive diarrhea. Sort of like if Dr. Fauci sent our tax dollars to Wuhan to create "gain of function" mutations in Ex-Lax.

And of course, we're not really nuts about the invasive procedure itself, likely to be performed with surplus equipment from the canceled "Keystone XL" pipeline project. Although on the bright side, we think we should at least be able to rack up some Woke points for scheduling our anal invasion during Pride month.

(Side note: "News" sources are delightedly reporting that Kamala Harris "made history" by being the first VP to march in a rainbow-striped Pride Parade over the weekend. Our thought is that walking one freaking block isn't even news, let alone history. And more importantly, pretty much EVERY VP has marched in Pride Parades over the years. Okay, back then they were called "4th of July" parades, but trust us, snowflakes - they were about pride.)

Anyway, we've decided to take the entire week off (barring really spectacular events) in order to step away from the news for a bit and make an effort to get some joie de vivre. Which, the astute among you will already have guessed, is French for "Clan MacGregor."

As always, the comments section will remain open and lively - see you there!

BREAKING NEWS: ARKANCIDE HOTLINE

Unsurprisingly, Jeffrey Epstein was unavailable for comment

Sitting On Attacks

Dr. Anthony "Satan's Little Helper" Fauci spoke out Wednesday against his growing legion of critics, saying that an attack on him is really an attack on science.

"A lot of what you're seeing as attacks on me, quite frankly, are attacks on science," whined the man who helped bankroll the pandemic, "because all of the things that I have spoken about consistently from the very beginning have been fundamentally based on science."

(We pause in our commentary to express our hopes that the word "fundamentally" will fully recover from being savagely pummeled beyond recognition.)

"People want to fire me or put me in jail for what I've done," Fauci said accurately, until adding, "namely, follow the science."

Which makes us think that he's a little unclear on the whole concept of "following"...

And speaking of things that are hard to follow, we're feeling confused about two seemingly conflicting statements recently issued by the Biden administration. His ironically named intelligence agencies recently declared that the greatest threat to our nation is posed by White Supremacists, assuming that any can eventually be found. Yet Biden himself declared that the greatest threat to our nation (and the world!) comes from climate change.

Hopefully, some good old-fashioned investigative journalism can help sort out this contradiction soon...

Do Not Kamala

In her ongoing effort to solve the border crisis without actually getting anywhere near the border or interacting with anyone remotely associated with the out-of-control situation, Vice President Kamala Harris recently flew to Guatemala to deliver an important message to potential illegal immigrants.

"Do not come!" she said in clear and unmistakable terms. "Do not come...to the land of opportunity where you will be warmly welcomed, be given food, shelter, a smartphone, premium cable and high-speed Internet, regular infusions of walking around money, free transportation anywhere in the country, and a beautiful new pre-filled voter registration card." Well that should keep them home, right?

Not, of course, that Kamala wasn't willing to sweeten the deal a little by offering more billions of American taxpayer dollars to Guatemala to make it into such a wonderful place that no one would ever, ever, ever want to leave, in much the same way that Dorothy Gale eventually decided to just stay in Kansas.

But perhaps Ms. Harris would have better results if she simply terrified potential immigrants by reminding them that the United States is absolutely teeming with horrible white people. A problem that still hasn't been solved, even though a Yale lecturer recently offered some interesting ideas...

GO DIRECTLY TO YALE

Yale's School of Medicine recently invited Dr. Aruna Khilanani to speak at a weekly forum on mental health (although it was perhaps unclear whether they were for it or against it). During a lecture called "The Psychopathic Problem of the White Mind," Dr. Khilanani bonded with the audience by sharing her personal perspective:

"I had fantasies of unloading a revolver into the head of any white person that got in my way," she explained, "burying their body and wiping my bloody hands as I walked away relatively guiltless with a bounce in my step, like I did the world a f*cking favor." She also described white Americans as "demented, violent predators" after which she called kettles black.

While her audience called her remarks "absolutely brilliant" and said she gave "voice to us as people of color," Dr. Khilanani's opinions have not always been so well received. For instance, her white therapist had previously called her foam-flecked anger about perceived racism "psychotic." But sadly, that condition is now indistinguishable from academic expertise in the Ivy League.

But is it actually a problem to ignore insanely violent rhetoric in a lecture setting? Seriously, what's the worst that could happen? Oh yeah, another Fort Hood massacre:

From The Vault: Prophet And Loss Statement (8/7/13)

In an opening statement at his military trial, Fort Hood terrorist Nidal Hassan - who is presenting his own defense - said that he is a "mujahideen," and that "the evidence will clearly show that I am the shooter. The dead bodies will show that war is an ugly thing."

In response, the prosecution said "no further evidence," after which a firing squad composed of recovering Fort Hood survivors stood, took aim with their rifles, then blew Hassan into the land of imaginary virgins.

Just kidding, of course. Although the scenario above makes perfect sense to Hope n' Change, the reality is that the trial is expected to take at least a month, and perhaps several months - during which time Hassan will denigrate the United States, our military, Fort Hood, and his multiple victims (some of whom he's actually calling to the stand), while praising radical, militant Islam and the glories of executing his fellow soldiers in the name of Allah.

All of which is a huge waste of time and money, an insult to both the dead and the survivors, and a scathing rebuke of Barack Hussein Obama's contention that poor old Nidal was nothing more than a disgruntled worker who had a bad day at the office - and that the rivers of blood which flowed that day had nothing to do with the president's cherished "religion of peace."

One thing is certain: that blood flowed in no small part because this president has made it clear that he won't tolerate "discrimination" against Muslims, including those who print business cards that say "Soldier of Allah," and who give Powerpoint presentations describing the way they'll behead infidels and pour boiling oil down their throats.

Put another way, Benghazi was only the tip of the iceberg: Obama has already given the "stand down" order for our military to protect itself from the Nidal Hassans of this world.

Perhaps another trial is in order to find out why.