Monday, July 17, 2017

The Jarlsberg Diaries: Weekly World News

Today we're introducing a new and totally unrequested feature called "The Jarlsberg Diaries," in which we take you for an exciting (and true!) behind-the-scenes look into the colorful life of Stilton Jarlsberg. Fair warning: you may be seeing a lot of this feature in the near future if the stupid Trump/Russia story continues to top the (ahem) "news."

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, weekly world news, headlines, fake news, christie, iceberg

See that story about the severed leg? We actually wrote that, years ago, and it really appeared in the Weekly World News - arguably the greatest provider of fake news ever, although CNN is currently giving them a real run for their money.

We worked editorially with Weekly World News for only a short time; it was a dream job, but sadly there were contractual issues which couldn't be resolved - making us long for a cover story saying "BAT BOY DEVOURS LAWYERS - Receives Thanks Of Grateful Nation."

But just for fun, here's a sampling of some stories we submitted which never made print, but would have looked great with bold-faced caps and lurid illustrations at the supermarket checkout lanes...

ANTS ALREADY RULE THE EARTH
And Our Government Works For Them!

"IT'S HUMAN SKIN!"
Mona Lisa Art World Shocker!

CANNIBAL EATS COURTROOM JUDGE
After Judge Rules It Legal!

TWO-TON TODDLER IS TEETER-TOTTER TERROR!

ALPHABET TO GET NEW LETTER
And You Don't Say It With Your Mouth!

CENTIPEDE BOY NEEDS YOUR SHOES

BONELESS BABY GOES DOWN THE DRAIN
Found Safe & Sound At Local Beach!

SWISS ARMY TAKES ON TERRORISTS
With Pocketknife Tweezers And Tiny Scissors

SKATEBOARDING GRANNY BREAKS SOUND BARRIER!

WOMAN DONATES BUTTOCKS
To Flat-Chested Sister

ELEVATOR HELL: BLIND NUN TRAPPED WITH BOXING KANGAROO!

HOWLER MONKEY IS NEWEST RAP STAR

LEMON LOVER'S FACE IMPLODES!

IRS DEMANDS NUDE PHOTOS OF EVERY TAXPAYER
And It's The Law!

And finally...


BONUS: AN UNKIND CRACK

See that itty-bitty picture in the top right of the Hitler Baby cover? Here it is full-sized. We don't actually have that much against Chris Christie, but considering the conniption fits the Left is having over a slab of ice it just seemed like a fun image.


21 comments:

Greywuff said...

Iceberg picture would be funnier if it were Michael Moore...

Mike aka Proof said...

"WOMAN DONATES BUTTOCKS To Flat-Chested Sister"

There was a deep seated love between them!

Now her boyfriend pants for her.


Greywuff: +1

REM1875 said...

Space- the final frontier
Capitan's Log Star Date 2017
These are the voyages of the Stilton Jarlsberg.....

Into strange unknown realms, to go where no man has gone before......

Sort of.....

Stan da Man said...

Agreed, Moore would be funnier.
Mike - woman donates buttocks - talk about "wearing the ass"
Fun fact - it's my understanding (and, as always, I may be mis-informed) that lipo suction / injection to transit fat from less desirable areas to 'more' desirable (tend to prefer smaller, gravity resistant mammaries, myself) is a Very Real Thing...
So this is not only possible, but likely, to transfer chunky ass to your sister's chest.
Providing she doesn't reject it.

My 'fatal' incident w/ WWN was in the 80's, headline "I was Bigfoot's love slave"
Figured that article was worth $.50.
Roomie decided I approved of the rag as a rule, and started bringing them home.
Mostly, I disapproved. Mostly. Was often amusing to read while waiting for the weed to kick in...

Stan da Man said...

Oh, and as for Christie, I seem to recall he's anti- 2nd Amendment, and pro-islamist. So I have NO freakin' use for his walrus self...

Jim Irre said...

Pooping from her navel is the visual I get!

Fred Ciampi said...

One of my daughters used to bring home the National Perspirer (Enquirer) and your article titles brought home some lovely memories. "Man eats own face", "Elephant girl marries monkey boy". Ah, the memories.

And it continues to astound me how the media can only concentrate on Junior's trip to Russia oh so long ago when there is so much to report on elsewhere; Such as 'my neighbor mowed his lawn this weekend'. That would be much more interesting reading..... Where's my moonshine?

James Daily said...

Outstanding stuff. Now, I'll laugh so hard I'll have an accident and you'll write another headline making me famous. Great way to start a week and please, keep'em coming.

TrickyRicky said...

ALPHABET GETS NEW LETTER - And you don't say it with your mouth!

Am I to ASSume that one has to ingest legumes in order to pronounce this new letter?

AmyH said...

The elevator one really cracked me up.
I used to buy WWN every July when we got to our vacation spot. It was our annual goofy purchase. I do get it on a rare occasion.

Anonymous said...

I miss WWN. I've still got a couple of copies: "Saddam and Osama adopt Shave Ape Baby" and "Cops Kill Second Bigfoot" with an article on J-Lo's exploding butt implants. Haven't seen a new issue in years.

Sam L. said...

My favorite cover was "Skull Of Goliath Found". There was a skull with a rock in the forehead.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Greywuff- I agree. I used Christie at the request of a friend (for whom I made the cartoon) and thought I'd go ahead and post it today just for fun - more at the expense of the climate doomsayers than Christie himself.

@Mike aka Proof- It's always embarrassing if you can't tell whether a woman is showing cleavage or plumber's crack.

@REM1875- Oh, I've got a few stories tucked away. Like the time I had jumper cables attached (painfully) to my nipples onstage. But that's a tale for another day...

@Stan da Man- I think it's not uncommon to take fat from the buttocks and use it to plump lips. Giving new meaning to the term "kiss my ass." Also, following the procedure would you still be able to burp - or would it just be a fart?

@Jim Irre- And thanks for sharing that visual! I think...

@Fred Ciampi- I loved the Weekly World News. The wilder the stories, the better. I didn't pretend I was getting news, I was getting sensationalistic entertainment. Little did I know that we were heading into a world that couldn't tell the difference.

@James Daily- Glad you enjoyed this foolishness. I'd be a happy camper coming up with such stories all day every day. It's a pity that the gig didn't work out in the long run.

@AmyH- Actually the "blind nun and boxing kangaroo" trapped in an elevator gave me a serious case of the giggles when I first wrote it (years and years ago). It's still one of my favorites. I'm tempted to rough together a cover just to see what it would look like...

@Anonymous- I think Weekly World News discontinued print, but it still exists online. It's just not the same, though.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Sam L- I'm pretty sure THAT story was true.

AmyH said...

Im giggling at imagining a blind nun in an elevator boxing a kangaroo. My 4 year old is looking at me funny.

Igor said...

Always good for a weekly laugh, has some good Crispy Creme Christie photoshops in them:
http://www.powerlineblog.com/archives/2017/07/the-week-in-pictures-groundhog-day-edition-3.php

Or, is it photoshop??

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh, and Stilton? Who needs WWN when we have you??
;P

David in SoCal said...

Christie is looking pretty smug in that photo; probably 'cause he knows HIS crack is bigger than the one next to him.

Emmentaler Limburgher said...

Wait, what? That stuff is fake? But, but.... It... It was in the PAPER!

I grew up on those - especially the Enquirer. With all the hokum,they would occasionally get something right before the rest of the "media" even got a whiff of the story, so there was that. All in all, good entertainment for the discerning adolescent...

Oh, and don't motor boat that butt-breasted woman. You'll come up a brown nose...

Sortahwitte said...

The Enquirer used to have one of the best crossword puzzles. When we were camping, we would send the most honest kid (yes, I know) to town to buy one when they came out and then churn out some copies at the library. Everyone got a copy and then we would drag race until somebody completed theirs. Assorted prizes including no camp chores for 2 days, no short-sheeting, and no sleeping hands in the bowl of warm water. Good times. Then the Army Corps flooded our river.

Colby Muenster said...

Has WWN ever tried to market themselves as a genuine news source? I could be wrong, but don't believe they ever have. In my mind, they are rock solid reliable compared to CNN.

Rod said...

Jeez, I'm gone for a couple of days and it seems the world has changed. Don't know if for better or worser in the long run; but it sure is funnier.