COMMENTS:

TO REACH THE COMMENTS SECTION, JUST CLICK ON THE TITLE OF EACH POST!

Monday, January 29, 2018

Stand-Up State of the Union

In further budget cut news, Trump has already whittled Obama's 57 states down to just 50.
Okay, we don't really expect President Trump to deliver a State of the Union address anything like this...but we couldn't help treating ourselves to a moment or two of pleasant fantasy. 

And no matter what he says, it's safe to assume that both the Democrats and mainstream media will react as if Trump had proposed a publicly funded 24-hour kitten-skinning cable channel.

To show how serious they are about their opposition to Trump, the Democrats will be running a rebuttal speech in which the latest Kennedy spawn will criticize giving political control to wealthy families. Maxine Waters will also be delivering a rebuttal in which she criticizes political power being in the hands of the mentally unstable. In other words, Democrats have no understanding whatsoever of "irony."

Weepy former comedian Jimmy "Obamacare Saved My Baby" Kimmel will be doing a review of the speech on his show, capably aided by porn star (and possible Trump paramour) Stormy Daniels who presumably has some things she wants to get off her surgically inflated chest.

All in all, we're expecting a very entertaining night of television.

BONUS: EYE DO

Yesterday marked the 35th anniversary or so of the Jarlsbergs entering into matrimonial bliss. The happy occasion was unmarred by the fact that Mrs. J has decided to start seeing other people.

Oh, not romantically. We mean she wants to literally see people - which is why she's going under the knife today for cataract surgery. Afterwards, she'll be wearing an eye patch for awhile and no doubt experiencing some minor discomfort from all the pirate jokes she'll be subjected to.

Which reminds us of the following old chestnut...



The new cabin boy on a pirate ship stared in awe at the Captain of the vessel - a formidable looking rascal with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a skull and crossbones eyepatch.

"How did you lose your leg, sir?" the boy asked.
"Cannonball blew it off," growled the pirate Captain.
"And how did you lose your hand?"
"Sword fight," was the snarled reply.
"And please, sir - how did you lose your eye?" asked the boy.
"I looked up one day and got seagull poop in it," the Captain answered.
Puzzled, the boy said, "That shouldn't make you lose an eye."
"Well," sighed the Pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."

39 comments:

Section147 said...

Where’s Henny Youngman when you need him???

Don Stoutenberg said...

even worserer... what if she now sees how ugly some of us infidels/deplorables are, and starts looking for rose coloured glasses... or a glass or rose' ? i can laff at my self, took me 6+decades to get into the fat dumb & happy club... ok... 2 out of 3... LOL!



Joseph ET said...

It was quite a coincidence that I needed cataract surgery right after I retired and had Medicare. They had a great sales pitch too. “Wow, can you still drive?” Scared me to death. I said: “OMG we need to fix this NOW, doc!” I then had to choose the standard or the deluxe lens and Medicare doesn’t cover the difference in cost of the deluxe ones. Of course I should get the best that we can afford, after all eyesight is important. Deluxe it is.
Mrs. ET was great getting the eye drops in and all that and I only used the pain meds for about two days. The plastic eye cover didn’t come with a head band, but we made one. The Doctor also provided a great pair of sun glasses which I find useful when I’m outside as everything is very bright. I still use glasses, but mostly just for the computer and they are over the counter +1 readers. It’s cool to lay on the couch and watch TV without needing glasses.
I thought about getting a deluxe lens in one eye and the standard in the other, and then switch out to the one I like best. I guess that wouldn’t be very practical, but how would one tell if there’s really a difference between the types.

Yet another outstanding toon Stilton, thinks a million.

REM1875 said...

Poor, Poor ST. Mrs Jarlsberg......
Might be wise Doc to go easy on the pirate jokes or you will be wearing patches on both eyes..... at least till the swelling goes down......

Actually congratulation !!!

Jason Anyone said...

"And no matter what he says, it's safe to assume that both the Democrats and mainstream media will react as if Trump had proposed a publicly funded 24-hour kitten-skinning cable channel."

Lib'rals mutter 'bout Trump fodder
They demand much, offer nada
Damp shirts wet from tear drops staining
Economic forecast predicts more tears raining.

(Inspired by Glenn McCoy's "Singing in the Rain" cartoon. https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DUskhVmX4AAS346.jpg )



"Yesterday marked the 35th anniversary or so of the Jarlsbergs entering into matrimonial bliss."

Yeah, but when did you get married? :-)

And good luck on the surgery, Mrs. J!

James Daily said...

The State of the Union address will not be the same with our favorite Supreme Court judge not attending and taking a nap. Maybe she is getting measured at the mortuary.
Meanwhile, that porn star thing has never made sense to me, just too convenient. Actually it will have zero affect on his governing, just MSM fodder for those that haven't been downsized for #meto indiscretions. Life is grand.

Alan said...

Happy 35th Anniversary! I tried 3 times and could never make it past the 5th.

Judi King said...

Loved your toon. If only he'd do his address that way.
Happy Anniversary!
I had cataract surgery last year. It was no big deal. She'll be glad she did it.

Geoff King said...

What with Trump's sometimes crass all bullshit aside manner of speaking and the Dims penchant for playing rude childish games, this SOTU Address promises to have more entertainment value than the new Star Wars movie or possibly next Sunday's Superbowl.

Emmentaler Limburger said...

Happy Anniversary! 35 years is an achievement in today's society - well done. And, is Mrs. J getting one of those bionic lens implants that twinkle when the light hits them, and causes them to see better than they did in their misspent youth?

And I won't be watching the SOTU address. I can't take the amount of bullshit that will be slung by any venue that would be carrying it. And that they'd have "Aunt Esther" Waters tell people what they should think of the address really says something about the declining intellectual standards on the left.

Fred Ciampi said...

Happy Anniversary. Took me three tries but anniversary number 44 is coming up.

Congrats to Mrs. J. I had cataract surgery done on both eyes two years ago a couple of weeks apart. Got off the table with 20-20 eyesight. When the eye doctor first told me that I had cataracts I responded with "no I don't, I have a Toyota".

For the STOU speech tonight I think it's best that the demoncrats et al are best to stay away. We see too much of them as it is. 'Nuff said.

Jack Wiegman said...

Gawd! You're a god, Stilt.

... and the kitten-skinning channel goes live in 9... 8... 7...

Chuck said...

ROTFLMAO! Dead on target, as usual!

And tell Mrs. J. that I had cataract surgery done a couple of years ago. Two days after the second eyepatch came off, I went in to renew my driver's license. First licence I have had in over 50 years that did NOT have the 'must wear glasses' restriction. 20/20 in one eye, 20/15 in the other. She'll love it. I wish I had had it done even before I had cataracts.

rickn8or said...

Happy Anniversary to the Jarlsbergs! It IS quite the accomplishment these days. I've only been able to be single, married and divorced equal amounts of time.

Cataract surgery is no big deal?? Au contraire! Mine made ALL the girls so much prettier! May the Mrs. be equally blessed, but in the other direction.

And finally, what about Michael Moore, Mark Ruffalo, Alyssa Milano, Rosie Perez and Whoopi Goldberg staging a "People's Pre-Buttal" for which they're charging admission? Can you imagine all that ego in one room? I'm pretty sure the Kitten Skinning Channel will be a much more profitable enterprise.

TrickyRicky said...

Happy Anniversary! Great longevity, the Tricky family will be celebrating our 25th this year. It's not always easy, but it is always wonderful.

Anonymous said...

Many Happy returns Doc!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCy6UtNxoY0

Stoo

Pete (Detroit) said...

For some reason I keep reading SOTU as STFU...
If delivered as above, that might even be somewhat accurate...

Other than that, yeah, I got nothing...

Sincere congrats on the longevity of your marital bliss!
Never made it there, myself - too big a d-bag when I knew the right women, too fussy anymore. I do appreciate there are better things than being single, but as others have pointed out above, there are worse...

CenTexTim said...

One of your best, Stilt. Well Done!

Congrats on 35 years (+/-) of wedded bliss.

Best wishes for Mrs. J. I just hope that after the surgery she doesn't make a spectacle of herself...

James Daily said...

Forgot: Congrats on the 35th. I have been married 50 years
5 years each to 10 different women.
Actually, its more than that - to my first round draft choice
(Still laughing at Ginsberg for not retiring last administration instead of putting her faith in Clinton's administration. Now she is stuck until she dies.)

Rob said...

Happy Anniversary Js!
The best part of today's strip is that I can totally see President Trump delivering that exact speech and not be surprised (or upset).

Gee M said...

LOL! OK...one of the absolute funniest by a master...albeit a sit-down comedian rather than the other kind.
Congratulations on such a good choice in a patient and forgiving spouse...Happy 35th!
And while I have had the cataract surgery I had no patch or any Pirate jokes...but that is one of my mos fav Pirate funnies!

My favorite National Holi-day is "Talk Like A Pirate Day"...[ i.e., arrrrgggh! Damn' arthritis! ]
(National Talk Like A Pirate Day - Wednesday, September 19, 2018)

Dan said...

Happy Anniversary,
Happy cataract surgery,
that was a great cartoon, and
your pirate joke really cracked my wife up.

Nothing like good laughs first thing in the morning.

Thank you.

John the Econ said...

Considering Trump's non-existent filter, is a speech similar to your cartoon necessarily a "pleasant fantasy"?

"To show how serious they are about their opposition to Trump, the Democrats will be running a rebuttal speech in which the latest Kennedy spawn will criticize giving political control to wealthy families. Maxine Waters will also be delivering a rebuttal in which she criticizes political power being in the hands of the mentally unstable."

For decades, I've been trying to tell Republicans that it's a waste of time and energy trying to seek love from the rabid left. They will always hate you because you are not them. Remember, Mitt Romney, the most squishy milquetoast GOP candidate that you're ever likely to see also was a worse-than-Hitler Nazi to these people. The only difference with Trump is that for the first time since Reagan, we have a Republican who doesn't really care. Oh, he's thin-skinned to be sure. But he doesn't care enough to back down. That's the difference.

It wouldn't have occurred to me to say this a year ago, but is it possible that the axiomatic over-the-top Democratic reaction to anything not part of the Progressive agenda is going to burn out in 2018 as reality starts to hit more and more Americans? For example, after a decade of almost zero growth and offers of "crumbs" by Democrats, people (at least those who work) are going to get measurable raises and tax cuts meaning thousands of extra dollars in their pockets. Yes, the truly delusional will be telling themselves that "Hey, 8 years of Obamanomics finally worked!" But most will not. They'll see Democrats offering the same old crumbs as before, and will even continue to spout Progressive pieties, but will quietly vote with their pockets.

Eye Do: Congratulations Mr. & Mrs. Jarlsberg! I've long argued that a long, successful marriage is its own reward. It's not just a gift to each other, but to all who know you. Thank you.

Stinking Bishop said...

Congrats on your 35th, and best wishes to Mrs. J on her upcoming surgery. I need add nothing to those above who had good experiences with their own surgeries, but I will add a couple of pirate jokes:

What's the first letter in the Pirate alphabet? ARRRRRRR!

What's the second letter? AYYYYYYYE!

Colby Muenster said...

I, for one, can't wait to hear Maxine Waters' response. Her incoherency is only surpassed by her innate ability to ignore facts. A Kennedy is doing the official rebuttal? Boy, those Liberals sure do have their sh*t together, right? They picked just the right person to show how rich and out of touch Donald Trump is.

So... the Hollyweirdish types are having a "pre-buttal?" Harf! Isn't that a bit like winning a Noble Peace Prize when you've done absolutely nothing for the cause of peace? I have this mental image of Ruffalo and Goldberg rolling around in the ashes wearing their sackcloths. Too effing funny! I guess the casting folks did a pretty good job when they picked Ruffalo to play the dim witted Hulk.

But look out DJT! Darth Vader Ginsberg is going to show YOU who's the adult in the room! what a freaking baby!

Congratulations on 35 years, Dr. and Mrs. Jarlsberg! May you go 35 more, at least! I'd suggest you have a jug of rum and a parrot ready when she comes home, Stilton.

Anonymous said...



Post-American Politics Is Kayfabe. The Word Is KAYFABE.
KAYFABE: kayfabe /ˈkeɪfeɪb/ is the portrayal of staged events within the industry as “real” or “true,” specifically the portrayal of competition, rivalries, and relationships between participants as being genuine and not of a staged or pre-determined nature of any kind. Kayfabe has also evolved to become a code word of sorts for maintaining this “reality” within the direct or indirect presence of the general public.

http://www.barnhardt.biz/2016/10/08/post-american-politics-is-kayfabe-the-word-is-kayfabe/

Sortahwitte said...

I can't wait to hear about what "aunt esther" waters has to say. I say hear about because I don't have the stomach to actually listen to her. And then, another kennedy with a silver champagne flute stuck in his mouth. I swear, the kennedys and the clintons must be related. Rape and incest are family games they all play, along with "what's in it for me?" Thieves and deplorables. Socially and genetic throwbacks to the world of neanderthals. F*ck em all.

David aka True Blue Sam said...

I had both eyes done a year ago. I see 20/20 with one and 20/15 with the other. Readers for reading and writing. Good Luck to your Mrs, and Happy Anniversary!

unkawill said...

Brilliant.Congratulations.

REM1875 said...

I find being short sighted in one eye and far sighted in the other helps distinguish between pistol and rifle shots....
And yes I am a cheap bastard ......

Anonymous said...

Ron in Ohio Sez:

Congrats on the 35 years to you both - We're @ 47 and counting and lovin' every minute of it.

As for the cataract surgery; My wife had her left eye cataract operation on Dec. 27th and her right eye on Jan. 10th. She is doing very well and only needed the patch for the ride home because of the glare hurting her eye. Tip, keep a good, dark pair of sun glasses in the car for about a month, she'll need them.

Only one more day of me administering her daily eye drops. Then, I'll have to find another way to cater to her I suppose. She's got less than 2 weeks left before she can get her new reading (Only) glasses. She can already see the TV better, read the on-screen program guide and see all of the food labels in the pantry again. Only problem is, she sees EVERYTHING now, I can't get away with anything.

I wish I could attach a wonderful cartoon that is related to improved vision. I have had the cartoon for some time and do not have the link from where I got it. That is something I never do anymore, now, every time I save or pass-along something from the Internet I always give the attribution, I wish everyone would.

Congrats again!

Anonymous said...

Wealthy Chinese lady goes in for an eye exam.
Doctor says "You have Cataracts!"
She replies "No doctor, I drive Rincon Continental"

wendybar said...

I have been posting your website to this comic on any FB page that left your credit line off....There are quite a few of them!!

Gee M said...

I was on a thread on a Newsmax article, and a very on-point poster made a good post...I put the Stand-up State of the Union in reply, gave him the heads up on Stilton's Place, and he was LOLing, swore he was sending your site addy to all his friends with a sense of humor.
I am like the Red Cross of political humor...I work where there is a tragic need for assistance, like where snowflakes are gathering and prepping for their head's exploding.

"I love the sound of Liberal heads exploding in the morning...smells like Victory."

joe jetson said...

To quote Homer Simpson "It's funny because it's true!"

joe jetson said...

Advice for Democrats on "Response To State of the Union"- DON'T be a passenger if Kennedy's driving!

Rod said...

Congratulations on the anniversary and if she's getting her eyesight fixed.. you might want to spruce up a little bit. {grin}

Please tell the Missus to stay calm and enjoy the light show as the larger membrane the natural lenses were in slowly collapses to fit the little button intraocular lenses; then it will be better, pretty quickly amazingly better and very stable. And get strong UV protection eyeglasses/sunglass 'cause it will probably be much brighter.

Alfonso Bedoya said...

Re the SOTU speech: Were the Democrats all on Thorazine, or had they all just been embalmed and placed upright in their seats? I couldn't really tell.....

Alfonso Bedoya said...

To the Missus: Congratulations on the cataract surgery. I had both eyes done (one-at-a-time) a few decades ago and since found that I haven't had to change the prescription for my glasses since Bush was in office. I can now see colors again; life is good. My best wishes to you!