COMMENTS:

TO REACH THE COMMENTS SECTION, JUST CLICK ON THE TITLE OF EACH POST!

Friday, April 6, 2018

Raging Bull - Part Two

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, condom, snorting, de niro, nra, missing key
This explains why they don't want us seeing into their backpacks.
Ultra-liberal actor Robert De Niro has made yet another attack on the Right, saying that with gun-toting, Trump-loving morons like us "we're at the point where it's beyond trying to see another person's point of view." As if he'd ever tried to see our point of view.

But we had to laugh at Bob's assertion that the young students who recently participated in school walkouts are nascent geniuses whose moral strength and spontaneous wisdom will eventually create a better America at the voting booth.

Most telling is De Niro's phrase, "they're the ones that feel the way we do" - the "we" in this case referring to hardcore Leftists. But note that he doesn't say these kids think the way his Hollywood pals do, just that they feel the same way. Because Progressivism is always about feeling rather than thinking.

Which is just as well, because kids are idiots these days. Exhibit A is the current "condom snorting challenge" sweeping social media. The kids take videos of themselves snorting a condom up one nostril, sucking it back until it's dangling down the back of their throat, then grabbing the end (while trying, sometimes unsuccessfully, not to puke) so the whole pre-lubed mucus-coated shebang can be dragged through their nasal passages and yanked out of their mouth. After which they post the appalling video online to make sure that they will never be hired by any potential employer who has access to a computer.

But eventually these Trojenz-tooting dolts will make it to the polls. We can only hope that sometime between now and then, the "become an informed voter challenge" turns into an online craze.

PERSONAL: THE KEY TO UNHAPPINESS

We know exactly how he feels
I'll confess to not being able to fully focus on today's post owing to the fact that I lost a key and it's driving me mad.

Or more accurately, not driving me mad (or anywhere else) because it's my car key. Not the kind you can go to a hardware store and copy for a buck. NooOOooo, this is one of those fancy high-tech keys which will cost hundreds of dollars to replace if it can't be found. And it's the ONLY key missing from my key ring, which is kept in my pocket at all times (can you feel the Agatha Christie-style mystery building?).

Owing to my barnacle-like lifestyle and the fact that the key must have been lost at home (how else could I have driven there?), there are very few places to look...and I've looked in all of them. Repeatedly. Crawling on my belly like a reptile (or a Swiffer, considering the dirt and dog hair I collected) to look under, well, everything.

This is made all the more distressing by the fact that I have just a wee touch of obsessive-compulsive disorder (who else would do a thousand cartoons about a sick kid using the same art?). Mind you, I don't have OCD to the extent that I wash my hands (or any other part of my anatomy) hundreds of times a day, but I've got it bad enough to rearrange the shopping carts in a parking lot if the smaller ones have become mixed in with the bigger ones. But hey, we all do that, right? Right...?!

Anyway, for the sake of my sanity I'm hoping that damnable key will turn up soon. I'd say more, but I'm off to Amazon.com to buy a metal detector.

EXCITING UPDATE!

The key has been found! And I'm rather proud of the Holmes-ian process I used to locate it. I asked myself what I had done differently than usual yesterday and, sadly, it was exactly one thing: upon returning home from a power lunch at Wendy's, I pulled out the car key and then reached into the back seat with the same hand to grab a sweatshirt.

I returned to the scene of the crime, flashlight in hand, searched the car unsuccessfully for awhile... then spotted the key neatly tucked between the two front seats in a spot as thoroughly hidden and inaccessible as Barack Obama's college records.

I realize that this makes all the preamble above fairly pointless, but I wasn't about to erase this much perfectly serviceable writing (grin).   -Stilton

49 comments:

David A. Fox said...

"He walks, he talks, he crawls on his belly like a reptile ..." :)

Mike aka Proof said...

The key to serenity...is finding it!

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

Did you know there's no hyphen in "Anal-retentive"? 😈

Geoff King said...

I have to wonder if the preferred condoms for snorting are pre-lubed or just the regular variety? French Ticklers could add an interesting dimension to the challenge.
Ever notice how anything you lose always turns up in the exact last place you look?

James Daily said...

I appreciate your enlightening me (us) as to what condom snorting is. I was never curious enough to google it. Maybe it belongs with those that squirt milk from their eyes or the guy that did snakes thru his nose. May it rest in peace.
I am financially aware of the key thing as when the wife's purse was stolen, I had both cars re keyed plus replacing a couple of remotes. It is not cheap. Poor dinero (I like that better than De Niro) which is the Spanish word for their worthless currency.
TGIF as even the retired need relief from this insanity.

Gpadwds said...

I have CDO. It’s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be.

Dr. Roger Harris said...

Reminds me of the two obsessive-compulsive, dyslexic, agnostic insomniacs who argued all night about the existence of "DOG"����

Dr. Roger Harris said...

As further proof that car manufacturers are jerking our collective "junk", complete basic computer setups can be bought for the replacement cost of a programable car key...around (GAG...HORK...BLECH...)$250.00! PASS THE CONDOMS & TIDE PODS, PLEASE...

"IGNORANCE can be educated...CRAZY can be medicated...but there ain't no cure for STUPID!"

Anonymous said...

How did the key get off the ring to be lost or misplaced?

Gumby-damn-it! said...

So... who knew a condom was a relatively inexpensive alternative to a net pot? One question: if these flaming idiots have a cold or allergy symptoms while "competing" with themselves, do they get "cool points" or are points deducted for cheating?

REM1875 said...

Do both nostrils ...it help ya breed better .....

Anonymous said...

Great post. Sorry you lost that key. You have checked the washer, dryer and clothes hamper right ? I've found pocket knives in all of these items, though I ritually check my pockets before I put them in the washer (not the hamper though, which I should).

Rituals - I haz those two. Like when done with a fast food wrapper / meal, I will fold the wrapper to make flat, and place in covered plate (along with used utensils, seasoning packets, used napkins and other wrappings) before covering it up and throwing away. What - you don't ? Damn you are weird !!

Just one example of how weird I am . . . :^)

Hope you find that key soon.

REM1875 said...

So ya found the key to happiness...... and shared it with us ......
Well done

Gumby-damn-it! said...

Of course, might it also conversely follow that a Neti Pot may also be a relatively inexpensive form of birth control as well...?

Judi King said...

If kids like that are our future, we are doomed. I don't even think many if not most 18 years are smart enough to vote, unless in the military. And, does anyone care what De Niro "feels"?

I know the feeling of a lost car key....horrible. Glad you found it.

Fish Out of Water said...

As to politics and social commentary, Robert De Niro is to relevancy as a large rock on Mars is to me.

Fred Ciampi said...

I'm so glad that Bobbie The Nero (thinks he's Nero?) will set us straight in our misguided thinking.

And I have some suggestions for things the nice children can snort; plutonium to glow in the dark, gunpowder to make a bang on Broadway, and moonshine to enjoy the sunset. There, I hope that helps.

Unknown said...

Now, try to figure out why you'd take the key off the key ring and then try not to do that again! :-)

TrickyRicky said...

To steal a line from Dennis Miller on one of the shows last night, when De Niro starts one of his demented diatribes, it makes me feel like Travis Bickle...."You talkin' to me? You talkin' to ME?? YOU TALKIN' TO ME!!??? What a screaming douche nozzle.

Regarding your (obviously mild) OCD, thank God I'm not the only one. Do you count steps?

Greywuff said...

@Tricky Ricky No but I do have to make sure all the Sweet & Lo packets I'm opening to put in my iced tea are all facing the same direction.

AmyH said...

My ex-husband and friends used to take their chain necklaces off and snort them through the nose and out the mouth. I thought it was stupid then. I guess if he (they) were early 20s now, they would be doing condoms too. (Other childish behavior helped lead to the demise of the marriage.) He and his friends never voted then & I would imagine he doesnt vote now being close to 50. So, Im not too concerned with this current crop of idiots. They are too busy chewing on Tide Pods, snorting condoms & figuring out the next "cool" thing.

Dave said...

I have been trying to pass off my OCD as being "neat and tidy." My Dr. once spoke with me about by personal habits. I did admit to washing my keys from time to time, but there was no way I would admit to washing a bar of soap if someone else used the shower before me; doesn't include family of course. Spring washing, waxing, and upholstery cleaning is a 3 day ritual for me; need to get every single crumb from under the seats.

Emmentaler Limburger said...

Robert who? Didn't he make his fortune and fame starring in some very, very violent, gun-and-criminality featuring movies? I suppose he only did that to educate us. Two-faced, leftist spent douche receptacle that he is.

Condoms. In the nose. I hope they're using the flavored ones, or they'll never again breathe a breath of air that didn't smell like it came from the inside of a Uniroyal. Of course, if they ARE using flavored ones, they'll never again breathe a breath of air that didn't smell like it came from the inside of a flavored Uniroyal. Maybe that's why they're scarfing down Tide pods? To kill the Uniroyal effect?

I fear for the future. Truly, I do...

TrickyRicky said...

@ Emmentaler- I just wonder if they’re smart enough not to employ used condoms.

Terry Johnson said...

No, No, NO! kids you're doing it all wrong! You pull the condom over your entire head first and then breathe in. Gee whiz do we have to tell you everything?

Anonymous said...

tip: if you've lost your key fob, try to start the car---it will only start if the key is nearby. this narrows your search area, either in the car, or not. . .

Terry Johnson said...

..."Challenges" I'd like to see: 1. the poke-in-the-eye-with-a-sharp-stick challenge. 2. the walk-off-a-cliff-because-johnny-did-it challenge. 3. the touch-the-electric-fence-to-see-if-its-on challenge.
Sadly, most of this idiocy occurs because of the enablers at F***Book, YxxTube and others who provide morons with a shot at 15 seconds of fame. May they reap what they sow.

John the Econ said...

We really do need to thank Tribeca Bob for his honesty and proudly proclaiming and confirming what we've long suspected:

o Progressivism is all about "feelings" over intellect and substance; just like what he and Hollywood peddles.

o Progressives aren't interested in other people's points of view; They'll argue because there's no point, but in reality it's because doing so is both hard and uncomfortable.

o Progressivism is the ideology of children, entirely because of the two points above. It's easy and requires absolutely no intellect or self-discipline. Just whine long and hard enough, and the nanny state is supposed to respond to your needs and make the bad people behave.

And this is why they are miserable, because "feelings" and "reality" do not mesh well.

As for the condom-snorting kids:

Their parents obviously didn't know how to use them correctly either.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@David A. Fox- You absolutely caught the reference. I'm a huge fan of oldtime sideshows and the patter used to draw in the crowds!

@Mike aka Proof- That's beautiful.

@M. Mitchell Marmel- See, it's jokes like that one that make me need medication. (grin)

@Geoff King- Years ago (make that decades) I remember a condom with little nubs on the outside which was advertised thusly: "it's like thousands of tiny fingers urging her to let go." If those are still made, they should definitely be packed into young nostrils.

@James Daily- Per my remark above about liking sideshows, I actually appreciate people who can squirt milk from their eyes or run a snake up their nose. And I feel a certain unity with those folks: there's an actual cartoon of me in the Ripley's Believe It Or Not book of human oddities...but that's a story for another day.

And I'm SO tired of hearing from De Niro. He's done some fine acting in his day, but nothing that bespeaks any great moral wisdom.

@Gpadwds- Yes, yes, yes!

@Dr. Roger Harris- I like the philosophical bent these comments are taking today (grin). And yes, the cost of replacement keys is insane. You can buy a pretty nice 4k LED television for $250 (or less) these days. What a scam.

@Anonymous- I presume the key fell off the ring because of black magic. Seriously, there is a metal ring (admittedly a coil rather than a single piece) which connected the car key to the larger key ring. That ring was still attached to the key, and the ring appeared to be intact and closed. So that part of the mystery will remain unsolved.

@Gumb-damn-it!- I actively encourage the kids to try condom snorting while they have colds. It will be harder, more painful, and even more disgusting - so I'm definitely in the "cool points" camp.

@REM1875- Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!

@Anonymous- I found the key be eliminating all of the usual suspects then using the power of deduction. Regarding your fast food rituals, I had to laugh- when I sit down with my burger, I have to completely open the paper wrapper and then do two inward folds on each side until it's become a tiny square "plate." When I've finished the burger, I fold the wrapper into quarters before disposal. I don't think we're weird, I think we're civilized.

@REM1875- Hey, it made for a goofy anecdote. I was hoping that it was entertaining enough to make up for ultimately being pointless.

@Gumby-damn-it- Frankly, I think incorporating a Neti pot into foreplay would cut down on a LOT of sexual activity.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Judi King- I don't think all kids are that dumb by a long shot. What's scary is that some of them DO exist...and actually want to broadcast their idiocy online. Shouldn't stupidity still carry a stigma?

@Fish Out of Water- With the exception that, when on camera, the Martian rock is interesting.

@Fred Ciampi- I hope the young people appreciate the guiding hand you're giving them with your suggestions.

@Unknown- I didn't take the key off the key ring! It was...uh...dark forces! Yeah, that's the ticket!

@TrickyRicky- Still...that was a great and creepy scene in "Taxi Driver." As far as counting steps, I don't do that. Or at least didn't until today.

@Greywuff- Well that's just good sense!

@AmyH- I guess everything old is new again. And by any chance did those chain necklaces have a tiny spoon hanging from them? And you make a good point that idiocy isn't anything new- there are plenty of videos on Youtube of guys (it's almost always guys) who are old enough to know better but manage to blow themselves up, crash, or fall from a great height. Darwin in action.

@Dave- Wow, I'm really sorry to hear about your semi-obsessive Spring cleaning. Maybe you should drop by castle Jarlsberg for, oh, 3 days and we can work on that. And I don't wash the bar of soap around here, but certainly would in a shower shared by others.

@Emmentaler Limburger- De Niro was asked about all the gunplay in his films and waved it off as simply playing a role which doesn't represent his views. Which is fine, I guess, but I'd like to hear him speak to the likelihood that the glorification of gun violence in entertainment has a negative impact on our culture and (ultimately) safety.

Regarding the condoms, I think they should use the glow-in-the-dark ones to make for cooler video. Not to mention that they should put Ben-Gay on them for lube.

@TrickyRicky- Well, if they're only gently used...

@Terry Johnson- See, that's what they should be teaching in schools instead of how to put rubbers on bananas.

@Anonymous- That would be a great suggestion IF my car had wireless start/unlock capabilities (that is to say, by proximity rather than pushing buttons). My key was old enough to not have that function, but new enough to be very expensive to lose.

@Terry Johnson- As you point out, you can see most of those lame-brained acts on Youtube already. I must admit I sometimes search "fail compilation" on Youtube for just that reason.

@John the Econ- As usual, you've defined the problem of Progressivism eloquently.

Regnad Kcin said...

Someone should tell Mr. DeNiro to pull the Trojans out of his sinuses as they are severely blocking his oxygen intake that's causing his constipation of ideas and a diarrhea of words.

Colby Muenster said...

What would you call it if you put Bobby DeNiro, Kathy Griffin, Maxine Watters, Chris Matthews, Nancy Pelosi, Cher, Madonna, Ashley Judd, George Soros, both Clintons, Chuck Todd, Joe Scarborough, both Obamas, John McCain, Joy Behar, Whoopie Goldberg, and that Hogg kid on a spaceship to Uranus?

A good start, and the best 47 billion dollars you ever spent.

Little Johnny can't spell, never took history, can't read or write cursive, gets a medal for showing up, has absolutely no clue how our government is set up, thinks the Bible and the Constitution are outdated gibberish form a zillion years ago, and now snorts condoms and eats laundry soap?

To quote Roger Daltry, "I hope I die b'fore I get old."

Did anybody catch the guy at the Greensboro City Council meeting? I love this dude!

http://insider.foxnews.com/2018/04/05/gun-owner-takes-greensboro-city-council-law-abiding-citizens-are-majority


Rod said...

I lost the charger to my cell phone a couple of years ago. It's long-since been replaced but the original has not been found. There's only about 5 acres, 2 shops, 2 homes, 3 vehicles and their contents in which it's most likely to be.

Stilt: Might you be able to tell me how to find it?

As for DeNiro: With a few exceptions if someone is a professional "performer" or "actor", I tend to not think of them as real people. They gave that up.

Lee The Voice said...

Lost and can't find something that you know should be able to find it? Many of us do that. They say it's a sign of aging. If I ever get old I'll let you know.

Igor said...

Stilt, why does your musings of Lost Things in the Car remind me of the Orcstate commercial featuring "Mayhem"?
(The one where you lose your cell phone while driving, people...)

conrad clark said...

Ace Hardware (and probably locksmiths) can duplicate many of those "smart" keys. If your key is one of them, make a backup.

NVRick said...

@Rod Have you seen the Chevrolet commercials where the disclaimer says "These are real people, not actors"? That about sums it up. Actors are not real people.

Wahoo said...

De Niro snorts used condoms...well, that's what I heard.

Pete (Detroit) said...

conrad - couple of years ago, I bought a used car that only came with one Smart key, took i tto local Ace and they duped it for about $60, which beat the tar out of $90 (or more) at the dealer... Getting a key duped (depending on brand of vehicle) isn't too bad, compared to losing BOTH keys and having a dealer rep come out, make a new pair, and set the CAR to THEM...

As to stupidity on line - I one searched "bottle rocket out my ass" just to see... I expected to get SOME hits, but wholly CARP! 638,000 of them? Even assuming that a % are duplicates / re-posts, that's an ass ton of stupid, right there!

As to snorting condoms, given the not insignificant chances of suffocation, either directly or by aspirating your barf (Hey, he lived like a loser, but died like a Rock Star!) it appears that sometimes using a condom INcorrectly can prevent reproduction, as well!

valvenator said...

"it appears that sometimes using a condom INcorrectly can prevent reproduction, as well!"

That't if he's not a baby-daddy already.

Stilt, your story reminded me of my favorite sniglet.
IGNISECOND: The overlapping moment of time when the hand is slamming the car door shut while the brain is saying "my keys are in there!"

Geoff King said...

I have yet to own a vehicle which requires an electronic key. I currently drive a '85 Ford Bronco II. Not my newest model vehicle, but I love the simplicity when working on the engine. It actually has a real carburator with adjustable fuel/air jets!
However, I learned a long time ago to always carry a spare key in my wallet for those times I accidently lock the door with my keys still in the ignition, or for when I knowingly leave them there and my dog locks the door while I am away.
The new Tesla Model 3 now has a smartphone app that replaces the electronic key.
Great for when your vehicle is speeding out of control somewhere in the solar system and you left your key fob on Earth.

Anonymous said...

A few years ago we leased a BMW convertible. It was an OK car but didn't live up to the BS about the ultimate driving machine. Best described as "ordinary." Anyway it had a key fob but no key that you had to insert into a rectangular hole in the dash and then press a button to start the engine. Every time I did it I thought, "how in the hell is this an advance from just sticking in and turning a key?" It was just one of many things BMW did that fell into the "too clever by half" category. Lots of hi tech BS. It didn't even have a dip stick to check the oil. You had to cycle thru a lot of crap with an extra stalk on the column to find that you were low on oil. Pure nonsense. It was one of those cars that when you got rid of it you hardly remembered ever having it. I always felt that it cost at least an extra $10K just so you could have the blue and white emblem on the hood and trunk. Totally overrated.

Regnad Kcin said...

People have to realize that there's hundreds of engineers trying to justify their existence by re-inventing the wheel. Back in the 80's there used to be only a couple of recalls a year at MB. Once all this "new high tech" came into being and the black boxes took over running everything, the campaigns, service bulletins, product improvement notices, and (horror of horrors!) red bordered safety recalls proliferated like bacteria in a petri dish. Next time you take your Benz into the dealer, demand to see your car's "Vehicle Master Inquiry" sheet. If you know an old MB tech and you want to make him cringe, ask about the "Servo Brake Control" recalls. Basically, it was MB's attempt at putting airplane brakes in all their mid 2000 year cars. Total cluster fuck ! After flogging that dead mule for several years, the SBC system was discretely withdrawn from production. Following that debacle, the marketing boobs at MB took over and proceeded to dismantle MB's engineering priorities and turned their cars into overpriced excreta that are always at the bottom of the J.D. Powers rankings. How the mighty have fallen.......

Anonymous said...

So in essence, it was exactly where you knew it would be... the last place you looked.

Mike Porter said...

Sorry man, I hate Mr. Anonymous - that bastard always pisses me off. Your 'not a robot' thing erased my name, and I fell into the trap. Let's try that again, just between friends...

Mike Porter said...

Nothing is truly lost, save for lack of trying.

Navyvet said...

You can bet that sooner or later one of these shit-for-brains is going to choke to death on this condom stupidity. Then the DeNiro's and fellow loons will be marching that we ban condoms.

John the Econ said...

Why I'll never own a German car: Back in the early '90s, one of my best friends owned a BMW. I drove a Toyota. Our clutch slave cylinders failed at the same time. I went to the local chain auto parts place and bought a new one for $15, and it took me less than 30 minutes to replace it myself with the simple tools I carry in the back. My friend on the other hand, had to order a replacement from Germany for over a hundred dollars in addition to some weird-ass tool for another couple hundred that one needs to do the job. Was still cheaper doing it that way than taking it into the BMW place where the job could be done in a day or two (since they didn't have the part in stock either, but they could at least find one on the continent) and the cost would be at least $500.

But you have to admire the marketing cachet this creates. Whereas you will see countless old and beaten up Toyotas on the road, you don't seen that many aged and beaten up BMWs, Mercedes, or like German cars on the road because increasing maintenance and repair costs render them completely unaffordable as "beater" cars. This psychologically enhances their appeal as "exclusive", and justifying their high purchase price.

Fritz Brohn said...

You know my methods Watson. Use them!